Oscars 2013...

Oscars 2013...Metal Health Will Drive You Mad!

Welcome to Candi's Oscar Fashion Recap - Version 6.0 - get ready to bang your head!

I gotta tell you my friends...this was a rough one.  Last night will not rank high on the list of all-time great Oscar telecasts for this girl...just saying!  Not only the show - which was moderately entertaining, but oftentimes laborious at best - but the fashions? Pretty much gross.  I hate to write a fashion recap that is heavy on the negative, but when all of Hollywood decides to show up draped in recycled car parts and tin cans, they just don't make it easy...  

But first, some random commentary on the big show:

Seth, Seth, Seth - you know that I adore you - I believe that the genius and multi-level humor written into every episode of Family Guy is sheer brilliance...your whole "Peter Brady/Donny Osmond with a touch of smarmy" thing you have going on works for you...I even picked you as the "random celebrity that I would have lunch with" on various All About Me surveys...I heart you, like for real.



But this is not the venue for you.  I don't say this to be mean.  I say this because while other critics will say "he was beneath the Oscars", I will say that you are ABOVE them...by this, I mean that your humor is a very specific type of funny.  It's sarcastic, mocking, self-loathing, over-the-top and the exact OPPOSITE of what the Hollywood industry stands for.  They do not like to be made fun of. They find themselves superior on almost every level.  They are, as a whole, egomaniacal at best.  They may clap politely, but inside they are all like, "Who IS this UNGODLY man and why is he on our stage?" - you were like Peter Griffin visiting an episode of Downton Abbey...and the worst part is that you kind of knew this, so instead of going balls to the wall and letting it rip, you held back (oh, I know that you held back) and so you were just...dare I type this? BORING.  Unfortunately, there is nowhere to go but down at this point.  Hit up MTV for the next movie awards...maybe the Espys?  You should have followed Ricky as the Golden Globes host and let Tina & Amy handle the big show...they would have totally rocked that shit.

But THANK YOU for bringing TED to the party...I love me some Ted!  He's insanely inappropriate, but that's okay when you are a cuddly stuffed bear in a tux.  Besides, he was only slightly less eloquent than his co-presenter (former CK undies bohunk Marky Mark), who, when opening the envelope and announcing a tie, proclaimed "No BS - it's a tie..." - you can take the boy out of South Boston...well, you know how that saying goes...

Random Fact about Seth:  Did you know that he was scheduled to be a passenger on American Airlines Flight 11 - one of the two planes that struck the World Trade Center on September 11th? He was severely hungover and missed his flight. True story.  This has absolutely nothing to do with the Oscars, but I am fascinated by this story nonetheless.

The THEME of the show was MOVIE MUSIC - just in case you missed that.  It's not that it's a bad theme, it just felt like we've been there, done that.  It's not like Chicago and Dreamgirls came out 30 years ago - All That Jazz?  What about a different song from Chicago - like maybe He Had It Coming...now THAT could have been fun...and J-Hud has performed that song several times in public - we know she can bring it.  But at least she got to redeem herself for the fashion disaster of 2007...an important rule to remember about Oscar dresses - pockets = comfort = probably not gonna work...just the way it is!  

CONFESSION:  I have never seen a James Bond - 007 movie.  Like ever.  Not a one.  And honestly?  Don't really care to.  So you will have to excuse my complete and utter disinterest in the "Salute to 007" - now if they had just shown some clips and got on with it, that would have been fine with me - a quick game of Candy Crush would hit the spot right about now anyway - but then they had to go and put on a musical performance from DAME Shirley Bassey:

That look on her face?  It is directly proportionate to the frightening "sick cat" screeches coming out of her throat - GOOOOOOOOOLLLLDDDD-FING-ERRRRRRRRRRR...my ears are now bleeding - thanks for that.  I am sorry DAME Shirley Bassey, but that song is just awful.  Of all the 007 theme songs, that's what they got?  How about For Your Eyes Only? Was Sheena Easton busy last night?  How about a little Duran Duran - A View To A Kill?  I am sure they were free...hell, Paul McCartney is like everywhere these days - can you say Live & Let Die?  But I digress...

PEOPLE.....PEOPLE WHO WEAR CHOKERS...And then Gypsy Rose Barbra came out - I am not obsessed with her they way most of the world seems to be...sorry!  Her voice is still like a cross between Fergie and Jesus (to quote Dale Doback of Stepbrothers)...but I just can't with her look.  I'm starting to think that she may be that girl Jane from that creepy story about The Yellow Ribbon - click this link  if you don't know what I am talking about...

WINNER WINNER CHICKEN DINNER...there were a few surprises this year - I must say, love me some Jennifer Lawrence, and loved Silver Linings Playbook, but I would not categorize it as Best Actress material.  She lucked out with lack of competition.  And we all know Anne Hathaway just won because she bought that book "Oscar Winning For Dummies", which clearly states than any ONE of the following will increase your Oscar odds:  1) lose or gain weight  2) bad haircut or prosthetic that diminishes your "Hollywood beauty" or 3) hooker with a heart of gold - talk about a trifecta!  All 5 Supporting Actor nominees were awesome, Daniel Day-Lewis was a lock...Argo was an amazing movie...but I was not happy that Ang Li won Best Director for the Tiger On A Boat flick...I fear that Spielberg was being punished for Ben Affleck NOT being nominated - not fair guys!  Lincoln was snubbed...that's my story and I'm sticking to it!

What's that? This is supposed to be a Fashion Recap? I almost forgot...

EDITOR'S NOTE:  The next time you wonder what it would be like to be rich and famous, please know this...if you have girlfriends in your life that will look at you and say "NO - NOT THE DRESS FOR YOU - SORRY MAMA" - then you are waaaaaayyyyy ahead of the game.  Because many of the ladies that I am about to go to town on obviously do NOT have these people in their lives.

BUCKLE UP...HERE WE GO!

OLIVIA MUNN - I don't care for this girl...she was the girl that showed her boobs (WE SAW YOUR BOOBS!) in the opening scene of Magic Mike...but I love this dress.  So much that I kind of wish that someone I like was wearing it...I know that's mean, but it's how I feel...did you see the name of my blog? CANDIDly Speaking...take it or leave it...of all the metallic horrors on the red carpet this evening, this dress did it right - metal as an ACCENT - over fabulous red satin - my favorite dress of the evening.

CATHERINE ZETA-JONES - There is always that one chick that thinks it's appropriate to dress like an Oscar for the big night (she was one of MANY tonight rocking metallic)...but damn if CZJ doesn't pull it off!  This is a stunning woman...she is at the top of my list based on those earrings alone...and I have always had a slight girl-crush on her, I must admit...

JENNIFER GARNER - Love her - love the color - love the cut - MOM OF THREE - looking good Mrs. Affleck!  I even like the necklace...she went to the same "messy with a part and wisps" stylist frequented by several other ladies tonight, and I am not in love with the hair, and maybe a little more color on the lip...but overall, nice job mama...

JENNIFER LAWRENCE - Can't say that I love it - wish it wasn't this pale color - has a little Barbie Bride aura to it - and it's just a whole lotta dress (see below) - the fit is beautiful on her shape, but it's a little too stuffy for my Katniss..but for a Best Actress winner (who knew?) - it will hold up over time in the history books I think ; )

KERRY WASHINGTON - I love this dress...love the color, love the blinginess of the bodice - could do without the bow, but I don't hate the bow...but I don't like her hair!  Now, let me just say that due to my INSANE obsession with SCANDAL (Thursday nights on ABC - you must watch it!), I am very up close and personal with Kerry on a weekly basis...and her hair always looks better than this...I know, minor detail, but it's part of the deal for me...

JENNIFER ANISTON - Jen's wearing red! On anyone else, I may have said the dress was a bit simple and nothing fabulous, but on my girl Jen (notorious for wearing 50 shades of black in her entire awards show history) - I AM LOVING IT! She looks happy, and that always makes a girl shine : )

STACEY KEIBLER - Besides Catherine Zeta-Jones-Douglas, this was the only metallic gown that I liked.  Especially the back! George Clooney's arm candy is looking pretty good this year...but Stace, we have a bit of a situation with that hairdo...I see where you were going - the dress has a little bit of a flapper vibe going on with the scallops...but instead of being complimentary, it just looks sort of matchy-matchy. And fugly.  Baby steps...

HELEN HUNT - So good to see you my dear...I have been a fan since The Quarterback Princess when you wiped the mud from your cheeks to go to the prom...you look marvelous.  And for those that think this dress is no big woop...guess where she got it?

 H & M...that's right bitches!  Bargain couture at its finest - and they donate a portion of the profits from their formal collection to some kind of environmental charity or something. BOOM!  Crunchy Granola Fabulous!

CHARLIZE THERON - What to say? My first thought was Brigitte Nielsen in Rocky IV...I can't lie...and it's eerily similar to Anne Hathaway's Globes dress I believe - I am just not a short hair person...Halle only please! Yeah, she's gorgeous and I know that she is sure to be a fave with the critics - The structure! The hair! But for me? Just eh.


ANNE HATHAWAY - OH HELL NO. #1 - Pink. Blech.  #2 - Is it cold on the red carpet or are your nipples just happy to see me?  #3 - You described your dress as being a "party in the back" - but guess what we see? The FRONT. And it's no party.  The hair - the necklace - all just not good.  But hey, congrats on that Oscar...


HALLE BERRY - I am not sure what to say.  The shoulders - bad.  The stripes - horrendous.  The color - boring.  The hair sucks too...either stay super-short or just break down and get the weave...it's a borderline mohawk.  This is supposed to be a "Bond Girl" style dress according to what she said on the Red Carpet...not feeling it.  Thinking she should have just worn the bikini from her own Bond Girl experience...she almost looks like Prince if you look really fast...and that is not a compliment.

JESSICA CHASTAIN - I was very unkind to you last month - I named you Worst Dressed at the Golden Globes...you deserved it, but I still felt a little bit bad.  So I am going to say that based on the epic fail of THAT night, this look is quite the improvement.  I still think your hair should be a little darker, but at least it's not a frizzfest tonight.  And the dress could be a little more in contrast to your flesh...but props to you for hiring a stylist with a clue this time around...you're learning!   

JANE FONDA - Did she decide to do the Bond Girl theme as well?  It's like 1980s Vanna White mixed with 1980s Krystal "Dynasty" Carrington - and it's like SUPER yellow.  Like School Bus-Banana-Canary yellow.  And I get the impression that if you were to scrape your fingernail down that cheek, you'd have a large portion of thick foundation under said fingernail.  This totally skeeves me out. 

NAOMI WATTS - Metallic Entry #746...I liked this dress for part of the night, then turned on it, then liked it again.  Now I guess I am having a LOVE/HATE relationship with it?  The boob situation looks a bit precarious - it's like I WANT to like it, but I can't push the words BATTLESTAR GALACTICA out of my head.  

REESE WITHERSPOON - As a rule, I am not a into royal blue - if it was ALL royal blue I might have liked it, but the black kills it for me - and the hairdo is WAY too pageant for me.  Maybe if the black was some sort of bling? Just not a good time.

LARA SPENCER - You know it's a bad night when you are including the pre-show commentator people in your Oscar Fashion Recap.  But Lara knocked it out of the park last night - great dress, perfect style for her, metallic but not METALLIC!!!! - LOVE the bangles - and the hair not only looks fantastic but it is the perfect style for the dress...ACES LARA!

RENEE ZELLWEGER - Was Renee wearing a dress? I was too focused on what was going on with her face to notice.  She is BANGED UP...that side view is frightening - the Madonna arms are not helping - I am all for fit and healthy, but the dress should enhance that, not make you look like you are 75% complete with your sex-change operations.  

NICOLE KIDMAN - Just one more example of Metallic Gone Bad. Very bad. Again, it's unfortunate that I hold her to a higher standard based on past home runs on the red carpet...but I do.  And this is not a home run...it's like a weak dribbler to the pitcher.  And as many times as I have harrassed her for wearing pasty, pale confections, this is just too heavy for her...and her hair looks like she went to her husband's stylist...

SANDRA BULLOCK - Scalloped metallic!  With a lace motif!  The only thing that could make metal worse would be combining it with lace and scallops.  And she seems to enjoy this style with the high neck and man shoulders thing going on - it is not flattering.  Either go sleeveless, or wear a sleeve.  And the hair is just droopy and weird.  There is a stunning hair brooch thingie, but it's tucked behind her ear in an extremely bizarre location that does nothing for either the brooch OR the hairstyle.  You're better than this Sandy.

ZOE SALDANA - She has a history of wearing split-personality dresses (see the Purple-People Eater Pop Pom dress from 2010 - (go ahead and Google it - I can't do everything for you people!) I am loving the top of this dress...but then you move down and it's all - WHAT'S GOING ON DOWN HERE?  WHO LET BLACK AND GREY IN TO THE PARTY?

SALMA HAYEK - What is that VELVET?  What's going on here?  She looks like she is being strangled - it's all very Spanish Cleopatra.  I don't know if she should be walking the red carpet or hanging on the wall in my Nana's basement.  The actual dress style, even with the choker action, would probably be stunning in a solid striking color in a gorgeous satin - like burgundy, red, emerald green, coral, charcoal grey, cerulean blue, purple, copper...I could go on...there is a whole RAINBOW of colors out there...PICK ONE!  PLEASE?

AMY ADAMS - It's not just the feathers.  It's the ABUNDANCE of feathers.  Every time they showed her sitting in the front row, I had to check and make sure Jack Nicholson was still there and not eaten by Amy's skirt.  When it looks like the dress is wearing you, that means it's just too much.  And I actually love the color, but not on you...please repeat after me...I, Amy Adams, am a pasty redhead, and therefore I should steer clear of dresses that blend with my pastiness and instead seek out stunning contrasts often found in the jewel tones category...and WHAT is with this hairdo tonight??? I am so over it.

KRISTEN STEWART - Am I the only one that sees this natural progression happening over the next 30 years?  Helena Bonham Carter-ville here you come...  

BEN AFFLECK - Shout out to you my man for an amazing acceptance speech - all of it - the reference to your first win 15 years ago - acknowledging that your career has had bumps in the road, and most of all, for admitting in front of a billion people that marriage is hard work - so much more refreshing than the fake "everything is perfection" that most of Hollywood tries to portray...you have come a long way, and it's wonderful to watch!  And BTDubs...Argo was amazeballs.

THE TATUMS - Cutest. Couple. Ever.

ROBIN ROBERTS - I am closing it out with you, Robin.  Not only are you an inspiration and the epitome of class and grace, but you are ROCKING that dress...congrats on kicking cancer's ass...

Until next year...   

Candi 

Commercial-ized

Super Bowl Sunday is here!

A sacred tradition in our country...more celebrated than many other, less exciting holidays on our calendar (Arbor Day Bash anyone?)...in fact, a petition was recently filed in Washington DC lobbying our government to declare the Monday AFTER the big game a national holiday...the irony of this being that many people that are partying on Super Bowl Sunday have little or no interest in the actual game.

If your team didn't make it past the first round of the playoffs, or even worse, your team's main rival DID make it - not a very enticing game for you.  If you don't even have a team and are not a fan of the game in general, the game is just background noise for the gluttonous display of eating and drinking going on outside of the HD box.

For many, the actual game also interferes with the musical performances...remember 2009 when Jennifer Hudson blew the roof off singing the Star-Stangled Banner in her first performance following the murders of her mother, brother and nephew? Well, if that wasn't emotional enough for you, this year she will be singing America The Beautiful with the chorus from the Sandy Hook Elementary School...and that's just during the pre-game.  Alicia Keys is singing the National Anthem, and we know all-too-well that Beyonce will be shaking her moneymaker during halftime.

But the most popular non-football event on SBS is the time between the plays...the commercials!  The amount of money, time and energy put into Super Bowl advertisements has become an industry in itself.   A recent survey confirms that 91% of consumers say they are as interested in watching the commercials as the game itself. 

This year's offerings run the gamut from the traditional (Budweiser's Clydesdales...again) to the non-traditional (a series of Tide ads featuring players from both the Ravens and the 49ers)...and of course, plenty of sex and silliness...Sports Illustrated swimsuit models eating fish sandwiches in bikinis on the beach being both sexy and silly I guess?  I have already picked my favorite (since we can now see actual previews of commercials - the joy of THAT INTERNET THING) - hands-down, Seth Rogen and Paul Rudd's Samsung Mobile ad - because sarcasm and wit have always been sexier to me than swimsuits and fish sandwiches.

I must admit that my house watches most of its TV on DVR, which (joyfully) negates commercials as a whole...but during those times that I am watching actual live TV, I do pay attention to ads...and what I have seen in terms of trends lately are FAR from sexy or silly...in fact, the state of commercials today in the non-Super Bowl environment can best be described as DISTURBING.

Candi's Least Favorite Non-Super Bowl Ad Trends:

1.  Dysfunctional Digestion...Is the entire frigging country bloated and constipated?  Whether it's Jamie Lee Curtis shilling her diarrhea yogurt or the endless glut of Fiber One products designed to "clean you out" - seriously?  It's enough to make me miss that old Pepto-Bismol spot where they sang that song - nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, diarrhea (cha cha cha) - one of the original "disturbing" ads that started this trend.

2.  The Side Effects Will Kill Ya...since the floodgates opened and tons of prescription meds were allowed to be shown on TV, we have been inundated with these bizarre commercials...women sitting in dark rooms suffering from depression...little kids staring longingly out the window to the yard they can't play in because of their crippling allergies...executives sitting at business lunches, unable to eat anything on the table due to their flaming esophagus issues...and then the sun comes out!  We have a pill for that!  Only problem is that this commercial is 60 seconds instead of 30 because it takes us an extra whole time slot to read the list of frightening and damaging side effects...we'll treat your depression, but you might suffer kidney damage!  But hey, you'll be the happiest, most well-adjusted patient in the dialysis clinic!  

3.  Insurance Overload - While some of them are actually slightly amusing and quite clever (example - the Allstate Mayhem commercials), my annoyance stems from the general overabundance of the insurance ads in general...Allstate (Mayhem AND the President from 24), Flo the Progressive Lady (I think she shoots 3 commercials per day), Farmers (We Are Farmers...bum ba-bum bum bum), The General (who apparently smokes 3 packs a day) - ENOUGH!  It's just overkill. 

4. Share The Wealth - Julia Roberts doesn't have enough money? She needs to do voice-overs for Progressive insurance? She is far from alone...stealing work from voice-over (starving) artists on a TV near you these days are George Clooney, Keifer Sutherland, Kevin Spacey, Gene Hackman, Jeff Bridges, Tim Allen, Dennis Leary, David Duchovny, John Goodman, Brad Pitt, Sean Connery...used to be that voice-overs were for the ugly people...can we go back to that please?     

5.  TMI Nation...by far, the single most disturbing trend is the over-sharing going on these days about menstruation and bowel movements.  These are just things that should not be discussed in any way, shape or form.  Period.  Speaking of period, I don't need to see all these chicks dancing in da club, secure in the fact that their tampons won't leak on their slutty white minidresses...nor do I care about the girl in the white string bikini enjoying the pool (and even the diving board!) for the same reason.  Are there this many people having these types of accidents? Do they have mothers or friends? And don't even get me started on the toilet paper commercials...Enjoy the go? For real?  I need to see a commercial about women "getting real" and lamenting the fact that their toilet paper is ripping when they wipe their ass?  CUT YOUR NAILS.  LAY OFF THE ACTIVIA.  AND SHUT UP.
 
I guess I should just be thankful that these types of ads are not "flashy" enough to be part of the Super Bowl rotation.  Because if that happens, get ready to watch Julia Roberts complaining about how her constipation issues lead to her needing stronger toilet paper and a prescription for Cymbalta in order to deal with it.

Fly Me To The Moon...Alone

Last month I took my first business trip in quite some time...before I was a stay-at-home Mommy for 5 years, I was a frequent business traveller...it was something I most certainly did NOT miss about my old job! It wasn't the trips so much as the air travel experience.  All of it - weird limo drivers at the crack of dawn, airport ridiculousness, the airplane itself...and all the complete idiots I found myself surrounded by at every turn.  No, I'm not being mean - there is apparently an entire secret society of humans out there that turn into incompetent asshats when they travel by plane.

These asshats can be classified in one (or more) of the following ways:

The Rule-Breakers - probably the most annoying - they are a lock for attempting to bring their entire life's posessions on as carry-on baggage...they feign stupidity during the "zone" call while boarding and board first (how else would they get to occupy 3 overhead compartments for all their crap)...and then they talk on their cell phones or type on their laptops until the landing gear comes up...No jerk-off, they didn't mean YOU! YOU are SPECIAL!

The Human Hold-Ups - there was this little incident a few years back that we refer to as 9-11...you must have missed that whole thing about "increased security" maybe?  Oh, you HAVE heard? I just assumed that you were living under a rock since 2004 because you don't have your frigging ID out AND you chose to wear the entire contents of your jewelry box on your person  - I am SO enjoying standing here barefoot waiting for you to de-bling yourself for the metal detectors. Thanks for that!

The Lollygaggers - related to the Line-Killers, but in their own category - usually travel in a pack (an extended family, a group of students) - bound to be spread out about 5 across (you can't pass them) and not at all in a rush...oblivious to those of us around them that would rather not treat the terminal like a Sunday stroll in the park.  Can we move it along please?

The Hurry Up & Waiters - the complete OPPOSITE of The Lollies - they are going 100 mph at all checkpoints - breathing down your neck on the security line (some personal space please?)...power-walking, even on the moving walkways, rushing their asses off to get to the gate 1 hour early...and wait.  Jumping up to board, even when their zone is 5 announcements away...Springing out of their seats when the plane lands to get a prime spot in the aisle directly next to their goddamn seat and wait 12 minutes for the crew to hook up the plane to the walkway and open the door...and then full-on sprinting to the baggage area, at least 10 minutes before the bag arrives and frantically looking at EVERY SINGLE NAME TAG as if they have no fucking clue what their luggage looks like.  Take a valium please.

The Make-Yourself-At-Homers - I don't consider myself a germophobe, but carrying the pillow from your bedroom through an airport and then lying on it at the gate while waiting to board is just a little bit much for me...and thank you for removing your shoes...it makes me feel better to know that you are as comfortable as possible.  Feel free to lose the bra if it makes your flying experience more enjoyable...

The Help - possibly the most unpleasant of all the groups - the actual employees of the airports and airlines...pick a spot - the airline counter (grumpy), the restaurants (turtle slow), the bathroom attendants (just creepy) and WHOA-BOY the airplane attendants (fka stewardesses and male stewardesses)...when I flew back in the day, they had a certain decorum that bordered on manic joy - so helpful, bending over backwards to make the flight enjoyable...well, times have changed...on a recent flight to Chicago, I asked a female attendant if she could help me get my bag into the overhead (because I am short and I have T-Rex arms) - her response: "Well, you are going to have to help yourself - I'm not allowed to touch anything because I could get hurt - that's not in my job description"...I shit you not - I thought she was kidding! Thanks for nothing!

And not in their own categories because their rudeness cannot be contained within the boundaries of an airport - in no particular order - the loud talkers - the snot-snorters - the open-mouth chewers - the perfume-bathers - the litterbugs...and, of course, the smelly people.

Whatever happened to flying the friendly skies? 

Olympic Annoyances...

USA! USA! USA!
As is always the case, I am totally caught up in the Olympic games...the drama, the competition, the personal interest stories, the guts, the glory...during the summer months when my DVR has cobwebs, the Olympics are a welcome respite from my 837th Kardashian marathon. But, as with all things, there are always a few things that irk, disturb, vex and perturb me...in no particular order...

Fly Me To The Moon?
Why in GOD'S name are these girls dressed like astronauts from the future? When did red, white and blue morph into grey, black and lime? I would rather see them up there in their sparkly leotards then in these gruesome get-ups.  Look at the Magnificent 7 from 1996 - that photo says "USA" - the one from 2012 says TAKE US TO YOUR LEADER.  These warm-ups are the ugliest thing I have ever seen...I mean GREY? The jacket is the color of concrete - even silver would have been better - and the sneakers are just stupid. Why would they NOT 

wear red, white and blue? Even those purply leotards that they wore on Qualifiers night annoyed me...there are endless combinations of style that can be created with red, white and blue - especially when you bring silver into it.  But not grey.  And not lime.  For God's sake, it's the Olympic Games, not the Hunger Games! HORRENDOUS!

And have no advances been made in the world of gymnastical hair??  The scrunchies are bad enough - add to that the barrettes that I wore in my 5th grade grammar school photo and this is truly a recipe for disaster.  Are there no hairstylists that would accept a free trip to London in order to groom these poor girls? Don't even get me started on the make-up - that Russian chick's face got gang-banged by liquid eyeliner and rainbow glitter...the juxtaposition of the heavy make-up and severe hairlines with their squeaky little-girl voices is jarring, to say the least.  It's almost like they have to rebel against the fact that their diet and exercise routines give them the bodies of 11-year olds by whoring themselves into oblivion from the neck up!  Must they be full-body bitch-slapped with a glitter stick before going out on the mats?  I CAN'T WITH THIS.

Hip-Hip-Beret...
The US Team Official Uniforms - Opening Ceremonies - Much ado has been made about the fact that they were manufactured in China - you know what? I am thinking we should be GLAD they were not made here at home.  For real? This is the best we can do with this? The women look like they are walking in the city to catch the bus with their ill-fitting skirts and sneaks...the men are wearing white pants. WHITE PANTS.  Ralph Lauren does not design clothes that reflect this nation - he designs clothes for people that summer on Martha's Vineyard and attend galas during the holiday season.  The only people that look good in his ensembles are the 6-foot waifs he uses in his print ads - I mean, these are Olympic athletes and they look like a bunch of Frumpy McFrumpersons walking in a 4th of July parade on Chappaquidick Island.  Germany looked better than us. GERMANY.

OH SHUTTLECOCK!
There was a scandal in badminton.  Yes, I said badminton.  If you ask me, the scandal is why in the HELL badminton is an Olympic sport at all...it is like the summer's answer to curling.  I would rather see darts, bowling, baseball, softball (yes, they got rid of freaking baseball and softball, but kept badminton) or possibly even flip-cup before I would choose to watch badminton.  


HE SAID...HE SAID


What Ryan Says: 


"Me & Mike? Oh yeah, we're friends...we make each other better swimmers...we push each other to strive for the best..."

What Ryan Means: When is this Motherfucker gonna stay the hell home and let me be the man? I mean how many medals does one dude need? I hate him with the light of a thousand suns...I should have laced his frigging Subway Breakfast Sandwich with Ex-Lax and HGH...friends my ass...

They've Got Balls...
Hi! We're the US Women's Olympic Volleyball Team!  Since they only show our matches at 4:32 am Eastern Standard Time, we decided to create some excitement around ourselves by posing naked in the hopes that more people would take interest in our poor, neglected sport.  Oh, hell, who are we kidding? We just didn't want to pose in those horrific Team Uniforms from Ralph Lauren...




SEACREST...OUT!  

SEACREST = TOOL

The irk of all irks has got to be this toolbag Ryan Seacrest having any part of the Olympic Games.  Is nothing sacred?  Poor Dick Clark must be rolling over in his grave...doesn't he have enough jobs?  Give someone else a chance...it is quite obvious that SPORTS is not the forte of Ryan Seacrest...if you need any proof beyond his metrosexual grooming habits, check out his high school picture...Wait! Let's pose him in "Olympic" situations! They will totally buy it! 

I'm not trying to be mean - but when is enough enough with this guy? He has American Idol, he has radio shows, he has Julianne Hough as his live-in girlfriend, he has the New Year's Eve Specials on ABC, he OWNS the Kardashian shows - yes, owns them - Seacrest Productions is turning into a major media conglomerate - he even bought Ellen DeGeneres' 50 million dollar mansion...

Did you know that there was a specially-choreographed piece honoring those who died in a 2005 London terrorist attack that was left out of the Opening Ceremonies broadcast in the United States? NBC chose to show Toolbag's interview with Michael Phelps and his family instead.  Thanks NBC! I would much rather watch the zillionth puff piece on Michael Phelps instead of actually learning something historical. I didn't know that he had ADD as a child! They have NEVER mentioned that before! That Ryan - he really knows how to dig deep.


And to think, it's only halfway over...

Vacation? All You Never Wanted *

Warning: If you don't have children, you may not relate to this piece. If you are planning to have children, you may want to file it away in your "parent" brain for future reference...

The family vacation. That one week each year where we can leave the cares of the world behind. It's what we wait for, work for, dream about...

Now I am not talking about Disney or a Caribbean island, or a place so different from home that you can actually fool the kids into thinking that you are not their personal slave for the week. Oh no - I am talking the reasonably-priced, old-school family vacation here - the beach bungalow, the RV, the cabin, maybe even a hotel, but nothing too luxurious...the kind of place that comes with a (shudder) kitchen and everything!

Sounds great when you are planning..."Honey, we can save money by eating breakfast and lunch in the room and just going out to dinner!" How did he ever talk me into that one?

Breakfast + Lunch = DISHES (which are not part of ANY vacation in my mind)

Think about it - it's not really a vacation; it's more like a re-location.

You pack up your whole life (and 352 toys) and drive it a few hundred miles away, only to unpack it in a different space. Meals and dishes aside, there are also beds to be made, wet towels to be picked up off the floor - damn, even the kids still need to be bathed when they are on vacation!

Don't bother packing that new book you bought in a delusional state at the drug store before you left - fat chance you'll be opening up that baby!

Somewhere around day 3 you realize that you have essentially paid someone a great deal of money for the privilege of doing your daily chores in a different location - most likely smaller and with less televisions and/or channels.

And there's a good chance that you and the spouse will spend your hours shooting daggers at each other while you silently argue over who is going to chase the 2-year old around the pool for the afternoon - GOOD TIMES!

At the end of the week, all the same stuff (plus several annoying stuffed items and soon-to-be-garbage souvenirs) go back into the car for the long trip home. Time for laundry! Woo Hoo!

My advice to those of you that have not attempted this before - skip vacation for a few years and save your money for Disney - blow it all on the Mouse!

* title borrowed (with a twist) from the Go-Go's - without permission!

Happy Birthday To Who?

My baby girl is turning 1 on Sunday...

Ahhh, the kiddie birthday party...I have been to a few hundred of them in the past 15 years or so courtesy of my fairly large family and group of friends. The 1-year old and 2-year old years seem to be the ones that bring on the most celebration.  

There is a running theme throughout these affairs. I'm not talking about Elmo or Dora theme (though I have had my fill of each of those). The theme that I find to be most consistent is that the guest of honor spends all or most of the day in a total and complete state of misery.

Why is this? Well, mainly because a 1-year old or a 2-year old can get a little overwhelmed when faced with 50 or 60 people in one room all staring at them. Mom and dad have probably gone all out - over the top decorations, goody bags, tons of food, and not much energy or patience left to spare once the actual party day arrives.

Inevitably, the day will begin with either an incomplete or nonexistent nap for the birthday child. Though Mom and Dad have taken great pains to schedule the party around the nap time that the child has consistently stuck with for the past two or three years, this will be the day that the little prince or princess will go all independent and change it up on you.

They try to stick to the schedule...carefully planned out times for arrivals, greetings, eating food...but something usually happens to screw up the plan. If there is entertainment hired - say, a visit from the aforementioned Elmo or Dora, there is a good chance that the birthday child (as well as many other young guests) will have a total and complete meltdown when faced with a gigantic, furry version of the sweet little character that they are only used to seeing on the TV screen. So Mom attempts to scare the fear away by jamming the kid in the face of the thing, while Dad is thinking "Cha-ching! That's $300 we'll never get back!"

Who wants cake?

Mom is now officially sweating buckets. Dad is trying to take pictures, but the flash isn't going off or the battery is low, causing "Sweaty Mom" to mouth obscenities at him over the writhing head of the birthday child being restrained in mid-air on top of a frightening character cake that the poor kid wants no part of. One or both Grandmas are reaching for the child, trying to help, causing SM to shoot the daggers at them instead of camera-spastic Dad. Thirty other kids are singing Happy Birthday with their grimy mugs about four inches from the cake, all waiting to blow spittle at exactly the same moment in an effort to "help" the

birthday child.

Even though Mom and Dad have pre-determined that presents will NOT be opened until after the party, there is at least one person (most likely a grandma) that feels that their present is way more important than everyone else's and MUST be opened on public display. This sets off a domino effect, of course, and before you know it, Mom is frantically trying to take mental notes of who gave what because cards are being opened and thrown to the wayside along with the discarded wrappings - thank you cards will be a total

crapshoot.

And it is usually at this exact time, while watching the birthday child look at a piece of ribbon as if it was the most amazing gift of all, that the parents realize that they could have saved a boatload of money and aggravation and amused the kid with some leftover tissue paper from last Christmas.

Let's face it - these parties are more for the grown-ups than they are for the kids...they would be just as easily amused without all of the pomp and circumstance - and at a fraction of the cost!

Humor Has It...

Me: Hey, the new neighbors moved in! We should say hello...
Him:  Why?
Me:  Because it's the neighborly thing to do!  We should get to know them...
Him: Nah, we know enough people...
Me: Heavy sigh...


Sometimes we have a conversation and I wonder how we ever became a couple in the first place. I have always been a social person - I can make a friend alone in a room as long as there is a mirror - my husband? Not so much...


We have been an item since 1985 (27 of our 41 years)...that still freaks me out!  Some days I want to physically harm him...others my love for him is so strong that it hurts.  Sometimes we are almost like friends...others we are teammates united against a common enemy (aka our children).  Why are we still together? In a world where divorce has become more common than a cold, how have we made it this far?  


It's because he makes me laugh.  It's simple, but true.  He can find humor in the most mundane circumstance...when we were in high school he used to nickname condiments - mustard was Mustardo Kinski - I have no idea why! But I would laugh...


He makes up fake song lyrics - we used to call him Rain Man for his uncanny ability to memorize song lyrics after listening to a CD only once or twice (of course, that was before Rain Man meant something different to us entirely...) - but he can take a song and insert a story about something else, and it's hysterical. Movie lines...his brain is stuffed with them!  Comedies, dramas, you name it - he will know the lines - go ahead and quiz him.  The shit he can do with an episode of Dora The Explorer could blow your mind, trust me! 

I tell you these things because I know to the depths of my soul that humor is what has kept us together during the past few years of coming to terms with autism as a part of our life...our ability to laugh at things that are sometimes borderline inappropriate has been a constant dating back to the beginning of our relationship...


I remember when I told Adam that Luke would be taking a bus to school - he was three years old and was going to be attending school about 15 minutes away from our house - he looked at me and said, "Like a yellow bus? A small one?" I nodded yes and I could see what he was thinking without him even saying it - Luke would be riding on what used to be referred to as the Tart Cart when we were kids..."Well, that sure came back to bite me in the ass..." he replied without missing a beat.  I burst out laughing, because in our house, sometimes the alternative to a burst of laughter is a bucket of tears. 


In a house packed with tension, laughter can cut through, providing a release that you don't even know you need until you have it...it interrupts the day-to-day frustrations and keeps us moving forward...

I realize that this may sound a bit twisted...but it works for us.

Me:  Wait until the new neighbors get a load of Luke...
Him:  You mean like when he is jumping naked on the trampoline?
Me:  Or launches his sippy cup over the bushes into their driveway...
Him:  Hey! We may finally get that 8-foot fence across the back yard that we can't afford!
Me: Way to find the bright side, hon.

You just gotta laugh ; )