Commercial-ized

Super Bowl Sunday is here!

A sacred tradition in our country...more celebrated than many other, less exciting holidays on our calendar (Arbor Day Bash anyone?)...in fact, a petition was recently filed in Washington DC lobbying our government to declare the Monday AFTER the big game a national holiday...the irony of this being that many people that are partying on Super Bowl Sunday have little or no interest in the actual game.

If your team didn't make it past the first round of the playoffs, or even worse, your team's main rival DID make it - not a very enticing game for you.  If you don't even have a team and are not a fan of the game in general, the game is just background noise for the gluttonous display of eating and drinking going on outside of the HD box.

For many, the actual game also interferes with the musical performances...remember 2009 when Jennifer Hudson blew the roof off singing the Star-Stangled Banner in her first performance following the murders of her mother, brother and nephew? Well, if that wasn't emotional enough for you, this year she will be singing America The Beautiful with the chorus from the Sandy Hook Elementary School...and that's just during the pre-game.  Alicia Keys is singing the National Anthem, and we know all-too-well that Beyonce will be shaking her moneymaker during halftime.

But the most popular non-football event on SBS is the time between the plays...the commercials!  The amount of money, time and energy put into Super Bowl advertisements has become an industry in itself.   A recent survey confirms that 91% of consumers say they are as interested in watching the commercials as the game itself. 

This year's offerings run the gamut from the traditional (Budweiser's Clydesdales...again) to the non-traditional (a series of Tide ads featuring players from both the Ravens and the 49ers)...and of course, plenty of sex and silliness...Sports Illustrated swimsuit models eating fish sandwiches in bikinis on the beach being both sexy and silly I guess?  I have already picked my favorite (since we can now see actual previews of commercials - the joy of THAT INTERNET THING) - hands-down, Seth Rogen and Paul Rudd's Samsung Mobile ad - because sarcasm and wit have always been sexier to me than swimsuits and fish sandwiches.

I must admit that my house watches most of its TV on DVR, which (joyfully) negates commercials as a whole...but during those times that I am watching actual live TV, I do pay attention to ads...and what I have seen in terms of trends lately are FAR from sexy or silly...in fact, the state of commercials today in the non-Super Bowl environment can best be described as DISTURBING.

Candi's Least Favorite Non-Super Bowl Ad Trends:

1.  Dysfunctional Digestion...Is the entire frigging country bloated and constipated?  Whether it's Jamie Lee Curtis shilling her diarrhea yogurt or the endless glut of Fiber One products designed to "clean you out" - seriously?  It's enough to make me miss that old Pepto-Bismol spot where they sang that song - nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, diarrhea (cha cha cha) - one of the original "disturbing" ads that started this trend.

2.  The Side Effects Will Kill Ya...since the floodgates opened and tons of prescription meds were allowed to be shown on TV, we have been inundated with these bizarre commercials...women sitting in dark rooms suffering from depression...little kids staring longingly out the window to the yard they can't play in because of their crippling allergies...executives sitting at business lunches, unable to eat anything on the table due to their flaming esophagus issues...and then the sun comes out!  We have a pill for that!  Only problem is that this commercial is 60 seconds instead of 30 because it takes us an extra whole time slot to read the list of frightening and damaging side effects...we'll treat your depression, but you might suffer kidney damage!  But hey, you'll be the happiest, most well-adjusted patient in the dialysis clinic!  

3.  Insurance Overload - While some of them are actually slightly amusing and quite clever (example - the Allstate Mayhem commercials), my annoyance stems from the general overabundance of the insurance ads in general...Allstate (Mayhem AND the President from 24), Flo the Progressive Lady (I think she shoots 3 commercials per day), Farmers (We Are Farmers...bum ba-bum bum bum), The General (who apparently smokes 3 packs a day) - ENOUGH!  It's just overkill. 

4. Share The Wealth - Julia Roberts doesn't have enough money? She needs to do voice-overs for Progressive insurance? She is far from alone...stealing work from voice-over (starving) artists on a TV near you these days are George Clooney, Keifer Sutherland, Kevin Spacey, Gene Hackman, Jeff Bridges, Tim Allen, Dennis Leary, David Duchovny, John Goodman, Brad Pitt, Sean Connery...used to be that voice-overs were for the ugly people...can we go back to that please?     

5.  TMI Nation...by far, the single most disturbing trend is the over-sharing going on these days about menstruation and bowel movements.  These are just things that should not be discussed in any way, shape or form.  Period.  Speaking of period, I don't need to see all these chicks dancing in da club, secure in the fact that their tampons won't leak on their slutty white minidresses...nor do I care about the girl in the white string bikini enjoying the pool (and even the diving board!) for the same reason.  Are there this many people having these types of accidents? Do they have mothers or friends? And don't even get me started on the toilet paper commercials...Enjoy the go? For real?  I need to see a commercial about women "getting real" and lamenting the fact that their toilet paper is ripping when they wipe their ass?  CUT YOUR NAILS.  LAY OFF THE ACTIVIA.  AND SHUT UP.
 
I guess I should just be thankful that these types of ads are not "flashy" enough to be part of the Super Bowl rotation.  Because if that happens, get ready to watch Julia Roberts complaining about how her constipation issues lead to her needing stronger toilet paper and a prescription for Cymbalta in order to deal with it.

Olympic Annoyances...

USA! USA! USA!
As is always the case, I am totally caught up in the Olympic games...the drama, the competition, the personal interest stories, the guts, the glory...during the summer months when my DVR has cobwebs, the Olympics are a welcome respite from my 837th Kardashian marathon. But, as with all things, there are always a few things that irk, disturb, vex and perturb me...in no particular order...

Fly Me To The Moon?
Why in GOD'S name are these girls dressed like astronauts from the future? When did red, white and blue morph into grey, black and lime? I would rather see them up there in their sparkly leotards then in these gruesome get-ups.  Look at the Magnificent 7 from 1996 - that photo says "USA" - the one from 2012 says TAKE US TO YOUR LEADER.  These warm-ups are the ugliest thing I have ever seen...I mean GREY? The jacket is the color of concrete - even silver would have been better - and the sneakers are just stupid. Why would they NOT 

wear red, white and blue? Even those purply leotards that they wore on Qualifiers night annoyed me...there are endless combinations of style that can be created with red, white and blue - especially when you bring silver into it.  But not grey.  And not lime.  For God's sake, it's the Olympic Games, not the Hunger Games! HORRENDOUS!

And have no advances been made in the world of gymnastical hair??  The scrunchies are bad enough - add to that the barrettes that I wore in my 5th grade grammar school photo and this is truly a recipe for disaster.  Are there no hairstylists that would accept a free trip to London in order to groom these poor girls? Don't even get me started on the make-up - that Russian chick's face got gang-banged by liquid eyeliner and rainbow glitter...the juxtaposition of the heavy make-up and severe hairlines with their squeaky little-girl voices is jarring, to say the least.  It's almost like they have to rebel against the fact that their diet and exercise routines give them the bodies of 11-year olds by whoring themselves into oblivion from the neck up!  Must they be full-body bitch-slapped with a glitter stick before going out on the mats?  I CAN'T WITH THIS.

Hip-Hip-Beret...
The US Team Official Uniforms - Opening Ceremonies - Much ado has been made about the fact that they were manufactured in China - you know what? I am thinking we should be GLAD they were not made here at home.  For real? This is the best we can do with this? The women look like they are walking in the city to catch the bus with their ill-fitting skirts and sneaks...the men are wearing white pants. WHITE PANTS.  Ralph Lauren does not design clothes that reflect this nation - he designs clothes for people that summer on Martha's Vineyard and attend galas during the holiday season.  The only people that look good in his ensembles are the 6-foot waifs he uses in his print ads - I mean, these are Olympic athletes and they look like a bunch of Frumpy McFrumpersons walking in a 4th of July parade on Chappaquidick Island.  Germany looked better than us. GERMANY.

OH SHUTTLECOCK!
There was a scandal in badminton.  Yes, I said badminton.  If you ask me, the scandal is why in the HELL badminton is an Olympic sport at all...it is like the summer's answer to curling.  I would rather see darts, bowling, baseball, softball (yes, they got rid of freaking baseball and softball, but kept badminton) or possibly even flip-cup before I would choose to watch badminton.  


HE SAID...HE SAID


What Ryan Says: 


"Me & Mike? Oh yeah, we're friends...we make each other better swimmers...we push each other to strive for the best..."

What Ryan Means: When is this Motherfucker gonna stay the hell home and let me be the man? I mean how many medals does one dude need? I hate him with the light of a thousand suns...I should have laced his frigging Subway Breakfast Sandwich with Ex-Lax and HGH...friends my ass...

They've Got Balls...
Hi! We're the US Women's Olympic Volleyball Team!  Since they only show our matches at 4:32 am Eastern Standard Time, we decided to create some excitement around ourselves by posing naked in the hopes that more people would take interest in our poor, neglected sport.  Oh, hell, who are we kidding? We just didn't want to pose in those horrific Team Uniforms from Ralph Lauren...




SEACREST...OUT!  

SEACREST = TOOL

The irk of all irks has got to be this toolbag Ryan Seacrest having any part of the Olympic Games.  Is nothing sacred?  Poor Dick Clark must be rolling over in his grave...doesn't he have enough jobs?  Give someone else a chance...it is quite obvious that SPORTS is not the forte of Ryan Seacrest...if you need any proof beyond his metrosexual grooming habits, check out his high school picture...Wait! Let's pose him in "Olympic" situations! They will totally buy it! 

I'm not trying to be mean - but when is enough enough with this guy? He has American Idol, he has radio shows, he has Julianne Hough as his live-in girlfriend, he has the New Year's Eve Specials on ABC, he OWNS the Kardashian shows - yes, owns them - Seacrest Productions is turning into a major media conglomerate - he even bought Ellen DeGeneres' 50 million dollar mansion...

Did you know that there was a specially-choreographed piece honoring those who died in a 2005 London terrorist attack that was left out of the Opening Ceremonies broadcast in the United States? NBC chose to show Toolbag's interview with Michael Phelps and his family instead.  Thanks NBC! I would much rather watch the zillionth puff piece on Michael Phelps instead of actually learning something historical. I didn't know that he had ADD as a child! They have NEVER mentioned that before! That Ryan - he really knows how to dig deep.


And to think, it's only halfway over...