Hello friends! It's that time of year again...time to dish on everything Oscar...
What a strange year it was - it seemed that the night was more about social responsibility than about "Who Are You Wearing?" While it is refreshing to see winners use their 45 seconds in the spotlight to bring attention to a cause OTHER than themselves...it all left me feeling disjointed and sad. I felt the urge to go march on Washington, but I just wasn't sure what I was supposed to march for? Civil rights, gender equality, veterans' issues, homophobia, suicide, mental illness, immigration issues and parental neglect...they busted out ALL the big guns last night. It all felt so very RESPONSIBLE! I'm sorry, but I enjoy a little more narcissism and self-absorption with my Oscar winners!
I had such high hopes for NPH...alas, I cannot say that your hosting skills were LEGEN...wait for it...DARY. I knew that it would be tough - Ellen was amaze-balls last year...she had better stars...better movies...and better jokes. The night was working against you Neil...when the stars are making the night about political correctness, it's not easy to mock and make fun.
I didn't love the opening number (Billy does it better)...some of the jokes were kinda mean...your best moments were the subtle little comments that most of the audience probably missed - the Oscar stage is not the place for that type of humor - that's why David Letterman crashed and burned before you. You had your moments...but I didn't need to see you in your tighty whities to know that you were grasping for straws at that point. You fared better than Seth MacFarlane....does that help at all? Probably not...you were WAY MORE BETTERER than Anne Hathaway and James Franco! Still not helping? Ugh...I am trying. I think it has become blatantly obvious that Tina Fey and Amy Poehler should just have a permanent job hosting Awards shows - all of them - the Oscars, Grammys, Emmys, Globes, SAGs..you can keep the Tonys NPH...that seems to be more in your wheelhouse.
Let's talk about the music! FABULOUS! After Pink's spectacular rendition of Somewhere Over The Rainbow last year, I was not expecting the abundance of riches last night...Tim McGraw breaking my heart singing Glenn Campbell's poignant song about his battle with Alzheimer's...John Legend and Common performing the HELL out of their Selma hit Glory...and my favorite of the night - Lady Gaga paying homage to The Sound Of Music and Julie Andrews with a medley of tunes. When Ms. Andrews came out, the mutual admiration between the two was truly touching - the way that Gaga just turned and walked away after their hug, as if to say - it's all YOU Julie...I am not worthy. (Side note - Gaga's red carpet choices will be addressed in just a few minutes...bitch can rock a microphone, but her sartorial preferences are another story altogether...)
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| Getting Side-Eye from ScarJo |
Before I jump into the fashion, I need to take a moment and address the sad story that has become our old friend John Travolta. WHAT IS HAPPENING??? After last year's name-shame debacle, what looked like an attempt to salvage yourself only wound up making you look like CREEPY DUDE. What is with all the weird touching? What is with the botox? What is with the CHOKER? It's a necklace dude. Please make a movie that includes dancing. And keep your hands and lips to yourself. And wear a bowtie. That is all. #dannyzukowouldbedevastated
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| Touchy-Touchy with Adele Dazeem |
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| Stop trying to make CHOKER happen. |
Well, enough about the show - on to the clothes!
So many of my faves were not in attendance last night! I miss the days where actresses came to the Oscars just to be "fashionable" - wherefore art thou Catherine Zeta-Jones? Halle Berry? Charlize Theron? Kate Hudson? Anne Hathaway? Jennifer Lawrence? Salma Hayek? Penelope Cruz? WHERE IS TILDA SWINTON??? (OK - I know I have not been very nice to the woman, but if she doesn't show up once in a while, my annual TILDA SWINTON AWARD becomes altogether meaningless...)
No one really stood out to me as a showstopper. And there is nothing sadder than when the Best Actress winner looks like ass when she finally wins the big one (especially when she has looked stunning on many previous occasions...but they need to be ranked in some type of order, so here goes...
ROSAMUND PIKE - Givenchy Couture
It's not because she just had a baby 2 months ago (but really, she just had a baby two months ago?)...she is this year's "fashion" girl on the Awards circuit - she wore that insane Dior number to the SAG Awards and I really thought that she peaked too soon. WRONG! This dress is stunning...perfect fit, perfect hair and make-up, perfect shoes...love! Red can be "repetitive" - it's like the second most obvious choice other than black - but when it's done right - it's always a home run.
J-Hud! Working it! Girlfriend, I shudder to think about that monstrosity that you wore the year you won your Oscar...it was all chicken cutlet boob action and back fat - oy the bolero! You have come a loooooong way baby! Simple, elegant, flattering, great color, works with your short hair - and gorgeous earrings too...stunning!
It's not usually one of my favorite color choices - but if you are going to venture into fleshy beige territory - make sure you are a California Goddess with spectacular highlights and a dress that fits like a second skin. Oh, and that smile you wear when you are with your man is the perfect accessory...always a fave Jen...you never go over the top, and yet it works on you. Sorry you were snubbed...#friendsforever
MARGOT ROBBIE - Saint Laurent
OK - you all know that I am no fan of black - black is for publicists, agents, documentary filmmakers and mom-dates. So when black is chosen - it needs to be "next level" - Hello Margot Robbie! The reason this dress works is a) the great new haircut, b) the vintage Van Cleef and Arpels necklace and c) the lip color. Black can be spectacular - as long as all the other pieces are in place!
Side Note - It was not easy for me to include you in my fashion review as my son has a pervy teen crush on you thanks to your impressive nudity in Wolf of Wall Street. Ewww, gross and thank you very much for that.
Oh baby. Wait - make that TWO babies. This woman had twins at the end of November. Yup. Three months ago. Two boys. I am guessing that feeding the BOYS is helping her GIRLS, if you know what I mean...but much like Rosamund, that fact alone would not land her so high on this list - and when you take into account that it's also one of my least favorite colors...you just can't beat the fit of the Atelier Versace...it fits her perfectly in all the right places - great hair, love the necklace...it helps that she is freaking beautiful, but that hasn't stopped others from blowing it! Nice job Zoe!
DAKOTA JOHNSON - Saint Laurent
Another case of Red Done Right - the detail on the shoulder is gorgeous - probably even more in person...love the ponytail...would maybe like to see this girl smile a little more - but I think we will have ample opportunity to watch that happen in the years to come...shout out for not only bringing your mama as your date, but for "bickering" with her on camera while on the red carpet - just like a real mother and daughter would! Flashback to your first Oscars many years ago with your mama and your stepdad...those are some shoes...
ANNA KENDRICK - Thakoon
I like it - not like obsessed with it or anything - color is still a little drab for your complexion...but the style is interesting and you are really rocking that hand-on-hip. The hair could be better - but it has DEFINITELY been worse - and I am so excited for Pitch Perfect 2 to come out that I don't really care what you are wearing - I'm a fan!
KEIRA KNIGHTLEY - Valentino CouturePlaying the whole mama-to-be - ethereal - flowy - glowy thing to the hilt this year is Ms. Knightley - and she is making it work. There's kind of a lot going on with the fabric decoration, but I guess if you are mondo preggo, you need to rock that whole "Earth Mother" thing while you can...cause bitches be losing baby weight in 4 seconds lately (see above...)...good luck Keira. The world is waiting to judge you.
EMMA STONE - Elie Saab
OK. So, we have reached the portion of the blog where the tide starts to turn a little. Emma - you know that I heart you - and I am loving every single part of this look...EXCEPT...the color. It's Pea Soup. Like, shooting out of Linda Blair in The Exorcist Pea Soup. When I think of all of the amazing colors that this dress COULD have been? It makes me a little veklempt. You, my dear, are a redhead - a ginger - a carrot top - whatever you call it, it brings with it a certain set of rules - I have two words for you Emma - JEWEL TONES. You are young - I have been telling Julianne and all the others for YEARS now...J-E-W-E-L T-O-N-E-S...I am attaching a handy color palette here for your future reference...
SCARLETT JOHANSSON - Atelier Versace
Much like Emma - I am 50/50ish on this one. The dress - JUST the dress - gorg. Great color (jewel tone - CHECK!), great fit (she is another one with a freaking newborn at home) - BUT the necklace. Overkill. Like dominatrix scary when paired with your "ear cuff" accessory and the whole shaved head thing you have going on. I can deal with the hair if that's like your thing right now, but the necklace and the ear cuff are pushing it into "militant" territory. And why so serious? Smile! you are a beautiful woman! I hate when they forget their smiles!
Sooooo...Reese has this whole "movement" thing happening where she wants reporters to #askhermore - meaning instead of asking her who she is wearing, ask her something with more gravitas...more substance...just more. That's awesome. So let me be the first to ask: "Reese - when you had the forehead filled, why does it appear that they only did between your eyes? And when you raise your eyebrows, why do you now have a bizarro curved wrinkle thing going on near the hairline where the fillers and stuff didn't make it? And since this is the case, have you considered bringing back your famous bangs until you get that situation corrected?" JK! I love Reese - I know that she has no choice but to Botox it up - that's how Hollywood works...but when it looks bizarro, I can't stop staring at it while you speak, which means that I am not noticing your little black and white frock so much.
NAOMI WATTS - Armani Prive
Trying to find the right words...we have a bandeau bra thing happening underneath...lots of shimmer...but if I am being honest, the first thing that I think of when looking at this dress is that it would make a pretty awesome tile pattern if I ever get that master bathroom I am hoping to have some day. If I can get past the "master bathroom" idea, I kind of like the dress. Is that weird? #renovationgoals
GWYNETH PALTROW - Ralph & Russo CoutureWell, I don't hate it. I do loathe pink, but it's kind of like a regular thing for her, so I am not surprised. The whole "ginormous flower on the shoulder thing" has been done - (see also: ginormous bow on the shoulder thing)...but I do like her ponytail and her earrings. But I must admit - all I am REALLY thinking about is whether or not the steaming of the vag was part of her "Oscars Beauty Prep" day...#tmi
JESSICA CHASTAIN - Atelier Versace
The funny thing about this dress is that depending on the angle of the photo, it looks completely different. See here - in this photo how she looks like a linebacker on top? Well, from alternate angles she looks MUCH better. LOL...I don't like the hair. Boring. This is probably one of those "dresses that looks better in person" - navy dresses often do - BUT - guess what? You have like a billion people seeing it on camera. So let's remember that next time. (See Jewel Tones chart above to create a more striking dynamic next year...thank you.)
MARION COTILLARD - Dior
Oy Vey. What to say? I would love to say "hey, at least the front is pretty" but I wouldn't really mean it. It's reminiscent of a shower curtain pattern I seem to recall in a Las Vegas hotel many years ago...looks very thick and stiff - not enough waist definition - OH WAIT...Wait a minute...what's going on in back there? Great idea! Let's put a strip of black material that looks like velcro under the ass area! That will REALLY improve the overall effect of this already awkward-looking schmatte. No likey the French chick's dress. #mondieu
LAURA DERN - Alberta Ferretti
I just don't understand. Why? Why? Why? Why do we take a nice dress, a great statement necklace, even a great clutch - and ruin it by wearing our hair in such a ridiculous way that no one can look at anything other than the ridiculousness of said hair. Really? One eye is not a "thing". #cyclopseyeisnotathing
JENNIFER LOPEZ - Cleavage Couture (whoops I mean Elie Saab)
ATTENTION EVERYONE - J Lo's boobs are SPECTACULAR! They defy gravity! Did you hear me? Is there anyone out there on the planet Earth and the Universe beyond who is unaware that J Lo has AWESOME and PERFECT boobs? She can wear a WIDE V NECK LINE and they are PERKY, LIFTED, SEPARATED...I mean really SPECTACULAR is the only appropriate word. Everyone is listening?????? Great. Can we stop with this look now please? #enough
KERRY WASHINGTON - Miu Miu
Eh. Disappointed. #peplum #leafpattern #safe
NICOLE KIDMAN - Louis Vuitton
It's just so hard to say negative things about actresses that used to be at the top of my list. I don't even know what to make of this situation. It's shimmery, it's gold - the red belt is just weird. And for the second year running, her husband has better hair than she does. #bringbackthechartreuse
OPRAH - Vera Wang
Sigh. Inhale. Siiiiiggggghhhhh...oh my Oprah - listen. I have a similar chest situation in my life. It's not easy. I get it. But I am fairly certain that there are better ways to address it then to push the cleavage up into the clavicle region. Too much push. Need more tuck. And flatten. There's cleavage...and then there's this. This is cleavage on blast. Too much...#advicefromafellowchesty
LADY GAGA - Azzedine Alaia (and Rubbermaid Couture?)
Well well. It looks like we have a winner of the Annual Tilda Swinton Award...bottoming out our list this year is none other than Lady Gaga. The dress. The dress on its own...would still be hideous. It's like robot-star trek-star wars-wackiness. So just to repeat - dress alone = hideous. Add red rubber dishwashing gloves to this horror show? And THAT is how you win the Tilda Swinton ladies and gentlemen. Kudos to you Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta...you have further cemented your place in the glorious lexicon of WTF.
AND JUST IN CASE YOUR ENGAGEMENT TO THAT CHICAGO FIRE HOTTIE EVER GOES UP IN SMOKE...I THINK I FOUND A BACK-UP SOULMATE FOR YOU...
What has become of my Jordan Catalano? #mysocalledlife4eva
That's a wrap folks! See you next year...xo
