Oscars 2014...Alright, Alright, Alright!

CANDI'S OSCARS 2014 RECAP...

Welcome to the 7th Annual Oscars Fashion Recap...we have taken this puppy from email to Facebook to Blogger, Twitter and beyond...thanks for stopping by!

What can I say?  I've seen better, I've seen worse - that goes for the show itself as well as the fashions.  It continues to be a trying time in fashion over there in Hollywood.  There is no discernible style that I can see. In a word, I would have to say SAFE is the best way to describe the current trend.  Not many risk-takers, and the ones that do often get rapped across the knuckles for stepping out of the box!  But as always, the night had its moments...so let's get to it!

The ABC Red Carpet Special - Robin Roberts is always a class act...BUT how do you NOT have style guru Clinton Kelly from The Chew doing fashion commentary over that himbo Tyson Beckford? The man called Julia Roberts JESSICA. Nuff said.  You are not invited back. Leave the microphone at the door on your way out please. Buh-bye.

The E! Red Carpet Special - Broken record here - I'll use one of Kelly's favorite words - "This group is completely and utterly boring."  Kelly, Ross and Giuliana - all morons who bring nothing to the table other than vapid useless gushing. Still in need of a thesaurus.  And the "special" guests are a joke.  The only special guest this group needs is Joan Rivers - know why? Because this gang is like Randy Jackson mixed with Paula Abdul and sprinkled with happy fairy dust. THEY LOVE EVERYONE.  EVERYONE LOOKS INCREDIBLE.  I can't.  And note to E! - if you are going to have Ryan Seacrest in the money spot, get that boy a platform or something - he just looks positively miniscule interviewing all of these strapping actors and amazon actresses that dwarf him.  No bueno.

RED CARPET SPOTLIGHT:

Click here to view the now Annual "Jennifer Lawrence Falling At The Oscars"

ON WITH THE SHOW...

Aaaaahhhh Ellen - always a fun time - and she didn't disappoint - love her out and about in the audience throwing them all off guard...she really has the perfect shtick for the Oscars - funny, but not condescending...she is safe...just as a host should be...the Awards and the nominees (well, the dresses too) should be the STARS of the show. The pizza bit was genius.  And mad props to the stars that actually ATE pizza while in their Oscar finest.


My Personal Highlight - On a night packed with amazing musical
performances (Pharrell, Idina, Bette, U2 - all amazing), my standout moment was PINK singing Somewhere Over The Rainbow during The Wizard of Oz tribute.
A Side Note About Me:  Only a few know this about me (my sister is giggling right now), but I am PETRIFIED of The Wizard of Oz.   I have not watched it since I was a child due to chronic nightmares (those frigging monkeys).  After seeing Wicked on Broadway this year and now this, maybe I can attempt to tackle my Oz-o-phobia (well, probably not).

Matthew McConaughey & The Cat Lady...Oh no.  What a shame.  One can only hope that they dragged Kim Novak out to serve as a cautionary tale to all of the younger actresses in the audience not to take botox and plastic surgery too far...YIKES.  I know she is 81 years old, but really.  Can we all just agree that the Academy is not doing any justice to these "legends" (I am speaking about you too Mr. Poitier) by sending them out on stage and giving them the Dick Clark treatment?  They can barely see the damn TelePrompter!  You want to honor them?  Show some FABULOUS clips of them on film in their heyday and then shine a light on them standing to wave as they receive the appropriate standing ovation.  OK - stepping down from soapbox now.

And then THIS happened.

Ex-squeeze me? Baking Powder?  (YES! Wayne's World reference opportunity!)
Ummmmm...really John?  REALLY?  ADELE DAZEEM? Who in God's name is that? Did you even READ the script?  Have you heard of the woman Mr. Musical-lover? Did you skip rehearsals? You don't get a pass on this.  On a night when presenters strung together multiple ethnically-tinged monikers, you blow one name? You sir, just like Mr. Beckford, are banned.  Leave the stage, and do not return unless it is to dance.  No talking.

The Superstar Selfie That Broke Twitter  #genius

AND THE WINNERS WERE...

This was a night the oddsmakers dream of...all four acting awards seemed to be pre-determined...but the surprising part was that THREE of these winners made AMAZING and HEARTFELT speeches that will be remembered for years to come...the "newbie" joy of Lupita as she recognized that her happiness was inevitably tied to the miseries suffered by her ancestors, Jared showing maturity in honoring his brave single mom, Matthew the family man getting philosophical in a good way...I cried three times.  Who left me dry? Cate Blanchett - methinks she is a little condescending - I believe that #suckitjulia was supposed to be an inside joke between them - but it's not usually a good call to bust out inside jokes in front of a billion people.  She forgot to mention DAME Judi Dench in her "mentioning the other nominees so I look appreciative" paragraph and I am pretty sure that she bashed the length of Gravity (and indirectly the film itself) while "appreciating" Sandra Bullock. Kind of ironic that Cate was the one of the four to NOT display class, humility and pure joy.  Hmmmmm...

And I don't really understand the new trend in "splitting" the Best Director and Best Picture Awards.  Seems to be that you can't really have one without the other...two amazing movies...I guess it's just a "share the wealth" thing.  Still strange.

OK - enough about the stupid awards...let's talk fashion!

Kerry Washington - Jason Wu
Grecian Grey Perfection! Way to embrace the BUMP mama! You may be a TV girl, but you shine on that red carpet like the brightest film star! Yes, I have a total GIRL CRUSH on her. Can't lie. But still one of my faves of the night - the dress, the hair, the make-up...the way she ate PIZZA in the audience...LOVE HER!

Sandra Bullock - Alexander McQueen
You nailed it Sandy!  I have been rough on you in past years - if it wasn't the dress, it was the hair, or the weird lipstick choice. But this is a home run.  Dress is stunning, fits like a glove and I am OBSESSED with your MOVIE-STAR hair! It's just a shame that you didn't get up on that stage to REALLY show it off.  At least we got to see you all 742 times that Gravity won a technical award.  Nice job!

Charlize Theron - Christian Dior Couture
Yowza...that is how you wear a black dress.  Those of you that have read this blog in the past know my rules on black dresses...if you are not the agent or the publicist, it's a no-no. If it MUST happen, then it has to be BIG. Like over-the-top HUGE. This dress fits the bill. I mean, the woman is an Amazon Goddess with neck for days...she is like a human clothes hanger...but even so, this is a stunning dress on her.  Perfect.

Kate Hudson - Atelier Versace
Wow.  It's like an homage to American Hustle - she goes against all of my usual dislikes (white dress, flat-girl cleavage attempt) and turns it into a big fat LIKE...make that LOVE... dress...hair...home run Kate...now listen to me...you are never, EVER, under any circumstances to visit your Mom's closet - ok? You will notice that she is not up here at the top of the list like you...stay golden Kate!

Jennifer Lawrence - Dior
Contestant #1 in the Peplum Parade - but the only one on the "like" side for me. (Amy & Julia - do you hear me knocking?). Listen, much like Charlize, J-Law has the whole swan thing going on and her upper-body is unusually lengthy - not all dresses will look right on her, but this one works.  Honestly, without the funky backwards necklace thing, it would fall this side of boring, but she put her own twist on it.  I dig her - she is definitely on my GIRL CRUSH list.

Lupita Nyong'o - Prada
She was just the princess of the night - and for those that don't follow Awards Shows and red carpets obsessively - she has been putting on quite a fashion parade over the past two months.  This dress looks made for her - I probably would not even like it on most people, but on her, it's perfect.  I love color!

Anna Kendrick - J Mendel
Anna - I saw you pop up on several worst-dressed lists for this one - but I like it!  It's different, but in a good way for once...I like the crossover top and the waist detail (with matching clutch)...the hair could be better...kind of drab...but the dress is a little edgy, just like you.

Cate Blanchett - Armani Prive
It just seems done before. It's pretty, maybe a little too figure-skater at the top for my tastes, but I can't really say that it's ugly. It's just not wowing me. I am not big on the whole nude/illusion motif...it seems like it may be one of those dresses that's stunning in person and just doesn't photograph well? But you have hit higher heights in past years...so I must say that for your Best Actress Win year, I was hoping for more.  Earrings are great. That's all I got.  #reaching

Amy Adams - Gucci
Contestant #2 in the Peplum Parade
Amy. Let me clue you in on something.  Your hair is a MAJOR asset for you. So slicking it back into a bizarre finger wave/french twist thing is just not going to be a good time. The dress is aight. Again, a sense of deja vu all over again. Navy never comes across on camera the way it does in person. AGAIN...with your skin and hair and eyes - VIST THE JEWEL TONES SECTION OF THE COLOR WHEEL. You will find magic there...trust me.

Anne Hathaway - Gucci
Also Gucci. Hmmmm...I think I see where you are going here. Last year, you offended the universe with that Pepto pink horror with the bizarro neckline...so THIS year, you wanted to flip the deck and go EDGY.  Just not sure if you can pull off edgy Anne. You also have an amazing body for couture...but much like last year, I like the back more than the front.  And, much like last year, IT'S THE FRONT THAT WE ALL SEE. Can we try and find a happy medium somewhere between Pink Satin Princess and Gladiator Armor Breastplate? Thank you.

Viola Davis - Escada
COLOR! COLOR! YAY! Thank you Viola for bringing some color into a neverending barrage of black, white, metallic and the occasional red. It's a great dress and you wear it well.  Love the cuff bracelets too...perfect touch.  Score!

Naomi Watts - Calvin Klein
Another one that has done it better in past years. It's a little, dare I say, mature for her? She is aging herself. And the hair is not helping - listen up ladies - hair should not fall on to dress.  High neck = hair back or up or both. And it has a weird poof thing going on in the front - the hair I mean. She gushed on and on about the necklace on the red carpet - why not pull the hair back and show it off? #confused

Penelope Cruz - Giambattista Valli
I don't know - I feel like someone wore this already. I always want to like her - she has rocked some SICK dresses in the past (remember that flame one in deep red) - this seems very safe for her. Like Safe Deposit Box safe. The only good thing I can say is that her pale pink dress is prettier than Camilla Alves' pale pink dress (Matthew's current wife - Penelope is the ex - get it?) #bestrevenge












Bette Midler - Reem Acra
The Divine Miss M - showing off the ladies! I love it! I actually much preferred this dress to that sack of potatoes that you wore on stage to sing in.  It must be a real bitch to get changed halfway through the show. I am guessing there are Spanx involved in this scenario, and I KNOW how that goes.  How about don't change next time? Works for us. We won't judge. Well, we might, but only if the first dress sucks.





















Goldie Hawn - Atelier Versace
I am convinced that she has worn the exact same dress to every industry event since she met Kurt Russell. Has no one told her that it's just not that flattering? Does Kate not say something? I find that hard to believe. And do something with that rat's nest on top of your head already. Pull a Peter Brady Goldie - when it's time to change, then it's time to change. #shanananana

Glenn Close - Zac Posen
Contrary to many of the dresses on this list, I am thinking that this one might look better in PHOTOS than it does in person.  The fabric looks questionable. I like the silhouette though - I much prefer this to your manly-man pantsuits. But I must point out that if you were wearing a pointy black hat, one might think that you were subliminally auditioning for Elphaba in Wicked.  Just saying.

Jessica Biel - Chanel
It's an ok dress...there's just something missing here.  Oh wait, it's her man candy! Paging Justin Timberlake...your wife looks so much better on the red carpet when you are by her side - don't you have a jet or something? Can you not schedule your World Tour around this shit? I am sure that Jay Z does that for B. Come on now. You're better than that.

Jennifer Garner - Oscar de la Renta
I liked it better on the red carpet.  On stage, it was FLAPTASTIC. I will always love you Sydney Bristow...you know that.  But do you really expect us to believe that you and Ben can't scrape together the coin for a sitter for nights like this? You know what happens when half a married couple shows up at these things...that's how rumors start.  I hope you and Biel at least split the limo.

Laura Dern - Alberta Ferretti
Winner of this year's PLEASE EAT A BURGER AWARD. That is all. #yourspineisshowing

Meryl Streep - Lanvin
Yeah, yeah, I know I say it every year.  "Fashion doesn't matter - it's Meryl Streep!"  But can you throw us a bone once in a while? A color? A one-piece? A hairdo? It's nice to be the greatest living actress on the planet, but pretty can be fun too!

Julia Roberts - Givenchy
Contestant #3 in the Peplum Parade
I do not like this dress. It reminds me of Jamie Lee Curtis in True Lies - like you might just RIP out that weird lace insert between the girls and make something happen.  But alas, this is not to be. Julia - you owe it to a whole generation of girls that first became obsessed with you as a somehow clean yet skanky hooker in Pretty Woman and followed you right into the self-righteousness of the somewhat clean yet skanky single mom in Erin Brockovich.  Dump the lace. Add some skank. And PS - the hair is really bad too.  Big mistake. Huge.

Liza Minnelli
Dress and Hair Streak by Autism Speaks
This is just too easy.
Forget it.

Sally Hawkins - Valentino
Sally - I am so very sorry, but you have been awarded the Tilda Swinton Award for 2014. I know it's hard not to take this personally, but trust me when I say that there have been other years where this award winner wore dresses that were way fuglier than yours. But really - you seem like a tiny little thing - though it is hard to tell since you are hiding under your great-grandmother's lace tablecloth and forgot to stop at the tailor to get yourself properly fitted.  One word for you sweetie...STYLIST.  Get one. Please.

THE PERFECT COUPLES ON PARADE...

Brangelina
Together since 2005...
a bunch of kids

Will & Jada
Together since 1997...
Couple of kids...

The Adorable Tatums
Also together since 2005...and a new baby! 

Matt & Camilla
Married only 2 years, but oh so cute...
Two young kids...

 Angela Chase and Jordan Catalano

Together the longest - since 1994...

Wait, what? Really?

Well, a girl can dream...

#mysocalledfantasy

That's a wrap folks! It's been fun!

Until next year...

Candi

Oscars 2013...

Oscars 2013...Metal Health Will Drive You Mad!

Welcome to Candi's Oscar Fashion Recap - Version 6.0 - get ready to bang your head!

I gotta tell you my friends...this was a rough one.  Last night will not rank high on the list of all-time great Oscar telecasts for this girl...just saying!  Not only the show - which was moderately entertaining, but oftentimes laborious at best - but the fashions? Pretty much gross.  I hate to write a fashion recap that is heavy on the negative, but when all of Hollywood decides to show up draped in recycled car parts and tin cans, they just don't make it easy...  

But first, some random commentary on the big show:

Seth, Seth, Seth - you know that I adore you - I believe that the genius and multi-level humor written into every episode of Family Guy is sheer brilliance...your whole "Peter Brady/Donny Osmond with a touch of smarmy" thing you have going on works for you...I even picked you as the "random celebrity that I would have lunch with" on various All About Me surveys...I heart you, like for real.



But this is not the venue for you.  I don't say this to be mean.  I say this because while other critics will say "he was beneath the Oscars", I will say that you are ABOVE them...by this, I mean that your humor is a very specific type of funny.  It's sarcastic, mocking, self-loathing, over-the-top and the exact OPPOSITE of what the Hollywood industry stands for.  They do not like to be made fun of. They find themselves superior on almost every level.  They are, as a whole, egomaniacal at best.  They may clap politely, but inside they are all like, "Who IS this UNGODLY man and why is he on our stage?" - you were like Peter Griffin visiting an episode of Downton Abbey...and the worst part is that you kind of knew this, so instead of going balls to the wall and letting it rip, you held back (oh, I know that you held back) and so you were just...dare I type this? BORING.  Unfortunately, there is nowhere to go but down at this point.  Hit up MTV for the next movie awards...maybe the Espys?  You should have followed Ricky as the Golden Globes host and let Tina & Amy handle the big show...they would have totally rocked that shit.

But THANK YOU for bringing TED to the party...I love me some Ted!  He's insanely inappropriate, but that's okay when you are a cuddly stuffed bear in a tux.  Besides, he was only slightly less eloquent than his co-presenter (former CK undies bohunk Marky Mark), who, when opening the envelope and announcing a tie, proclaimed "No BS - it's a tie..." - you can take the boy out of South Boston...well, you know how that saying goes...

Random Fact about Seth:  Did you know that he was scheduled to be a passenger on American Airlines Flight 11 - one of the two planes that struck the World Trade Center on September 11th? He was severely hungover and missed his flight. True story.  This has absolutely nothing to do with the Oscars, but I am fascinated by this story nonetheless.

The THEME of the show was MOVIE MUSIC - just in case you missed that.  It's not that it's a bad theme, it just felt like we've been there, done that.  It's not like Chicago and Dreamgirls came out 30 years ago - All That Jazz?  What about a different song from Chicago - like maybe He Had It Coming...now THAT could have been fun...and J-Hud has performed that song several times in public - we know she can bring it.  But at least she got to redeem herself for the fashion disaster of 2007...an important rule to remember about Oscar dresses - pockets = comfort = probably not gonna work...just the way it is!  

CONFESSION:  I have never seen a James Bond - 007 movie.  Like ever.  Not a one.  And honestly?  Don't really care to.  So you will have to excuse my complete and utter disinterest in the "Salute to 007" - now if they had just shown some clips and got on with it, that would have been fine with me - a quick game of Candy Crush would hit the spot right about now anyway - but then they had to go and put on a musical performance from DAME Shirley Bassey:

That look on her face?  It is directly proportionate to the frightening "sick cat" screeches coming out of her throat - GOOOOOOOOOLLLLDDDD-FING-ERRRRRRRRRRR...my ears are now bleeding - thanks for that.  I am sorry DAME Shirley Bassey, but that song is just awful.  Of all the 007 theme songs, that's what they got?  How about For Your Eyes Only? Was Sheena Easton busy last night?  How about a little Duran Duran - A View To A Kill?  I am sure they were free...hell, Paul McCartney is like everywhere these days - can you say Live & Let Die?  But I digress...

PEOPLE.....PEOPLE WHO WEAR CHOKERS...And then Gypsy Rose Barbra came out - I am not obsessed with her they way most of the world seems to be...sorry!  Her voice is still like a cross between Fergie and Jesus (to quote Dale Doback of Stepbrothers)...but I just can't with her look.  I'm starting to think that she may be that girl Jane from that creepy story about The Yellow Ribbon - click this link  if you don't know what I am talking about...

WINNER WINNER CHICKEN DINNER...there were a few surprises this year - I must say, love me some Jennifer Lawrence, and loved Silver Linings Playbook, but I would not categorize it as Best Actress material.  She lucked out with lack of competition.  And we all know Anne Hathaway just won because she bought that book "Oscar Winning For Dummies", which clearly states than any ONE of the following will increase your Oscar odds:  1) lose or gain weight  2) bad haircut or prosthetic that diminishes your "Hollywood beauty" or 3) hooker with a heart of gold - talk about a trifecta!  All 5 Supporting Actor nominees were awesome, Daniel Day-Lewis was a lock...Argo was an amazing movie...but I was not happy that Ang Li won Best Director for the Tiger On A Boat flick...I fear that Spielberg was being punished for Ben Affleck NOT being nominated - not fair guys!  Lincoln was snubbed...that's my story and I'm sticking to it!

What's that? This is supposed to be a Fashion Recap? I almost forgot...

EDITOR'S NOTE:  The next time you wonder what it would be like to be rich and famous, please know this...if you have girlfriends in your life that will look at you and say "NO - NOT THE DRESS FOR YOU - SORRY MAMA" - then you are waaaaaayyyyy ahead of the game.  Because many of the ladies that I am about to go to town on obviously do NOT have these people in their lives.

BUCKLE UP...HERE WE GO!

OLIVIA MUNN - I don't care for this girl...she was the girl that showed her boobs (WE SAW YOUR BOOBS!) in the opening scene of Magic Mike...but I love this dress.  So much that I kind of wish that someone I like was wearing it...I know that's mean, but it's how I feel...did you see the name of my blog? CANDIDly Speaking...take it or leave it...of all the metallic horrors on the red carpet this evening, this dress did it right - metal as an ACCENT - over fabulous red satin - my favorite dress of the evening.

CATHERINE ZETA-JONES - There is always that one chick that thinks it's appropriate to dress like an Oscar for the big night (she was one of MANY tonight rocking metallic)...but damn if CZJ doesn't pull it off!  This is a stunning woman...she is at the top of my list based on those earrings alone...and I have always had a slight girl-crush on her, I must admit...

JENNIFER GARNER - Love her - love the color - love the cut - MOM OF THREE - looking good Mrs. Affleck!  I even like the necklace...she went to the same "messy with a part and wisps" stylist frequented by several other ladies tonight, and I am not in love with the hair, and maybe a little more color on the lip...but overall, nice job mama...

JENNIFER LAWRENCE - Can't say that I love it - wish it wasn't this pale color - has a little Barbie Bride aura to it - and it's just a whole lotta dress (see below) - the fit is beautiful on her shape, but it's a little too stuffy for my Katniss..but for a Best Actress winner (who knew?) - it will hold up over time in the history books I think ; )

KERRY WASHINGTON - I love this dress...love the color, love the blinginess of the bodice - could do without the bow, but I don't hate the bow...but I don't like her hair!  Now, let me just say that due to my INSANE obsession with SCANDAL (Thursday nights on ABC - you must watch it!), I am very up close and personal with Kerry on a weekly basis...and her hair always looks better than this...I know, minor detail, but it's part of the deal for me...

JENNIFER ANISTON - Jen's wearing red! On anyone else, I may have said the dress was a bit simple and nothing fabulous, but on my girl Jen (notorious for wearing 50 shades of black in her entire awards show history) - I AM LOVING IT! She looks happy, and that always makes a girl shine : )

STACEY KEIBLER - Besides Catherine Zeta-Jones-Douglas, this was the only metallic gown that I liked.  Especially the back! George Clooney's arm candy is looking pretty good this year...but Stace, we have a bit of a situation with that hairdo...I see where you were going - the dress has a little bit of a flapper vibe going on with the scallops...but instead of being complimentary, it just looks sort of matchy-matchy. And fugly.  Baby steps...

HELEN HUNT - So good to see you my dear...I have been a fan since The Quarterback Princess when you wiped the mud from your cheeks to go to the prom...you look marvelous.  And for those that think this dress is no big woop...guess where she got it?

 H & M...that's right bitches!  Bargain couture at its finest - and they donate a portion of the profits from their formal collection to some kind of environmental charity or something. BOOM!  Crunchy Granola Fabulous!

CHARLIZE THERON - What to say? My first thought was Brigitte Nielsen in Rocky IV...I can't lie...and it's eerily similar to Anne Hathaway's Globes dress I believe - I am just not a short hair person...Halle only please! Yeah, she's gorgeous and I know that she is sure to be a fave with the critics - The structure! The hair! But for me? Just eh.


ANNE HATHAWAY - OH HELL NO. #1 - Pink. Blech.  #2 - Is it cold on the red carpet or are your nipples just happy to see me?  #3 - You described your dress as being a "party in the back" - but guess what we see? The FRONT. And it's no party.  The hair - the necklace - all just not good.  But hey, congrats on that Oscar...


HALLE BERRY - I am not sure what to say.  The shoulders - bad.  The stripes - horrendous.  The color - boring.  The hair sucks too...either stay super-short or just break down and get the weave...it's a borderline mohawk.  This is supposed to be a "Bond Girl" style dress according to what she said on the Red Carpet...not feeling it.  Thinking she should have just worn the bikini from her own Bond Girl experience...she almost looks like Prince if you look really fast...and that is not a compliment.

JESSICA CHASTAIN - I was very unkind to you last month - I named you Worst Dressed at the Golden Globes...you deserved it, but I still felt a little bit bad.  So I am going to say that based on the epic fail of THAT night, this look is quite the improvement.  I still think your hair should be a little darker, but at least it's not a frizzfest tonight.  And the dress could be a little more in contrast to your flesh...but props to you for hiring a stylist with a clue this time around...you're learning!   

JANE FONDA - Did she decide to do the Bond Girl theme as well?  It's like 1980s Vanna White mixed with 1980s Krystal "Dynasty" Carrington - and it's like SUPER yellow.  Like School Bus-Banana-Canary yellow.  And I get the impression that if you were to scrape your fingernail down that cheek, you'd have a large portion of thick foundation under said fingernail.  This totally skeeves me out. 

NAOMI WATTS - Metallic Entry #746...I liked this dress for part of the night, then turned on it, then liked it again.  Now I guess I am having a LOVE/HATE relationship with it?  The boob situation looks a bit precarious - it's like I WANT to like it, but I can't push the words BATTLESTAR GALACTICA out of my head.  

REESE WITHERSPOON - As a rule, I am not a into royal blue - if it was ALL royal blue I might have liked it, but the black kills it for me - and the hairdo is WAY too pageant for me.  Maybe if the black was some sort of bling? Just not a good time.

LARA SPENCER - You know it's a bad night when you are including the pre-show commentator people in your Oscar Fashion Recap.  But Lara knocked it out of the park last night - great dress, perfect style for her, metallic but not METALLIC!!!! - LOVE the bangles - and the hair not only looks fantastic but it is the perfect style for the dress...ACES LARA!

RENEE ZELLWEGER - Was Renee wearing a dress? I was too focused on what was going on with her face to notice.  She is BANGED UP...that side view is frightening - the Madonna arms are not helping - I am all for fit and healthy, but the dress should enhance that, not make you look like you are 75% complete with your sex-change operations.  

NICOLE KIDMAN - Just one more example of Metallic Gone Bad. Very bad. Again, it's unfortunate that I hold her to a higher standard based on past home runs on the red carpet...but I do.  And this is not a home run...it's like a weak dribbler to the pitcher.  And as many times as I have harrassed her for wearing pasty, pale confections, this is just too heavy for her...and her hair looks like she went to her husband's stylist...

SANDRA BULLOCK - Scalloped metallic!  With a lace motif!  The only thing that could make metal worse would be combining it with lace and scallops.  And she seems to enjoy this style with the high neck and man shoulders thing going on - it is not flattering.  Either go sleeveless, or wear a sleeve.  And the hair is just droopy and weird.  There is a stunning hair brooch thingie, but it's tucked behind her ear in an extremely bizarre location that does nothing for either the brooch OR the hairstyle.  You're better than this Sandy.

ZOE SALDANA - She has a history of wearing split-personality dresses (see the Purple-People Eater Pop Pom dress from 2010 - (go ahead and Google it - I can't do everything for you people!) I am loving the top of this dress...but then you move down and it's all - WHAT'S GOING ON DOWN HERE?  WHO LET BLACK AND GREY IN TO THE PARTY?

SALMA HAYEK - What is that VELVET?  What's going on here?  She looks like she is being strangled - it's all very Spanish Cleopatra.  I don't know if she should be walking the red carpet or hanging on the wall in my Nana's basement.  The actual dress style, even with the choker action, would probably be stunning in a solid striking color in a gorgeous satin - like burgundy, red, emerald green, coral, charcoal grey, cerulean blue, purple, copper...I could go on...there is a whole RAINBOW of colors out there...PICK ONE!  PLEASE?

AMY ADAMS - It's not just the feathers.  It's the ABUNDANCE of feathers.  Every time they showed her sitting in the front row, I had to check and make sure Jack Nicholson was still there and not eaten by Amy's skirt.  When it looks like the dress is wearing you, that means it's just too much.  And I actually love the color, but not on you...please repeat after me...I, Amy Adams, am a pasty redhead, and therefore I should steer clear of dresses that blend with my pastiness and instead seek out stunning contrasts often found in the jewel tones category...and WHAT is with this hairdo tonight??? I am so over it.

KRISTEN STEWART - Am I the only one that sees this natural progression happening over the next 30 years?  Helena Bonham Carter-ville here you come...  

BEN AFFLECK - Shout out to you my man for an amazing acceptance speech - all of it - the reference to your first win 15 years ago - acknowledging that your career has had bumps in the road, and most of all, for admitting in front of a billion people that marriage is hard work - so much more refreshing than the fake "everything is perfection" that most of Hollywood tries to portray...you have come a long way, and it's wonderful to watch!  And BTDubs...Argo was amazeballs.

THE TATUMS - Cutest. Couple. Ever.

ROBIN ROBERTS - I am closing it out with you, Robin.  Not only are you an inspiration and the epitome of class and grace, but you are ROCKING that dress...congrats on kicking cancer's ass...

Until next year...   

Candi