An Open Letter To Katie Couric...

Katie and her Godson Jay

Dear Katie:

I wish this was a thank you letter.  That after watching yesterday's show (Living With Autism) I would be so moved at its attempts to tackle what living with autism is really like that I would be inclined to write you a big fat thank you letter.  Alas, this is not the case.

Katie - you did us wrong.

Who is us? Us is the OTHER side of autism.  The messy, ugly, uncomfortable side...where so many of us "live" with autism in a place that looks quite different from yesterday's show. It's very crowded over here on this side...

The side where parents are physically drained and mentally exhausted just trying to make it through the days...

The side where the kids remain non-verbal...and in a constant state of frustration...where trying to communicate often leads your child to hysterical tantrums and sometimes violence...

The side where financial struggles are plaguing families in multiple ways - extra expenses related to non-insured treatments and therapies, special diets, extra babysitting - piled on top of parents that have either left their jobs to care for their child, or had to take a lower-paying position in order to be more available to their child...there is never enough money on our side...

The side where the kids are not yet potty-trained beyond the traditional diaper sizes...where you have to go online to find diapers...where you have multiple poop-smearing stories to share at parties...(oh wait - we don't really go to parties on this side)... 

The side where the divorce rate is even higher than the rest of the country...and where even the couples that manage to stay together still live life as two families - where one parent stays home with the child that can't go to the parties and functions and places that just don't work - and the other goes with the other kids...or alone...or just not at all...

The side where your child's "talents" and "gifts" are less musical and artistic and more breaking things, escaping, and remaining in a constant state of motion for more than 10 hours a day... 

The side where siblings also suffer...and have feelings of resentment...and then feel guilty for feeling that resentment...and act out on these feelings in numerous ways that only add to the fun for the parents that are already struggling to get through the days...

The side where people stare...and whisper...and judge...and say the wrong things - sometimes because they are uneducated asshats, but sometimes because they just don't know what else to say...

The side where any interaction with members of the medical community leads to frustration and resistance...because autism is ONLY neurological, they say...where they are only too happy to discuss the importance of immunizations with you, but not as willing to chat about why your child has bizarre bowel movements, strange rashes and a diet that consists of carbs only...

The side where parents spend hours in closed rooms with administrators from school districts in exhausting IEP meetings, begging for services that should be given willingly...where they are cast as troublemakers, just for trying to do right by their own child...

The side where the word spectrum is a dirty word...where that word divides the autism community in a bitter and self-damaging way...where children that fall on opposite ends of said spectrum do not desire or require the same actions...and how the invisible walls between the various locations of this spectrum serve as roadblocks to true progress for all...

The side where you find yourself wondering if and how your child will ever function in the real world...where you question what will happen when you are no longer here...where the future is unknown, frightening, and keeps us awake at night...assuming that our children are not already doing that for us... 

You see Katie, it is a very different reality over here on our side.

So go ahead and show the good stuff...show the Temple Grandins and the Jacob Barnetts and the Chad DenDantos and the musicians and the artists and ALL of the gifted and talented members of our community and let their accomplishments inspire as they should...but you have to show the other side...you can't show the good without the bad...at best, it is irresponsible journalism...at worst, it is a step back for all of us...

Signed,
An Autism Mom Living On The Other Side 

Commercial-ized

Super Bowl Sunday is here!

A sacred tradition in our country...more celebrated than many other, less exciting holidays on our calendar (Arbor Day Bash anyone?)...in fact, a petition was recently filed in Washington DC lobbying our government to declare the Monday AFTER the big game a national holiday...the irony of this being that many people that are partying on Super Bowl Sunday have little or no interest in the actual game.

If your team didn't make it past the first round of the playoffs, or even worse, your team's main rival DID make it - not a very enticing game for you.  If you don't even have a team and are not a fan of the game in general, the game is just background noise for the gluttonous display of eating and drinking going on outside of the HD box.

For many, the actual game also interferes with the musical performances...remember 2009 when Jennifer Hudson blew the roof off singing the Star-Stangled Banner in her first performance following the murders of her mother, brother and nephew? Well, if that wasn't emotional enough for you, this year she will be singing America The Beautiful with the chorus from the Sandy Hook Elementary School...and that's just during the pre-game.  Alicia Keys is singing the National Anthem, and we know all-too-well that Beyonce will be shaking her moneymaker during halftime.

But the most popular non-football event on SBS is the time between the plays...the commercials!  The amount of money, time and energy put into Super Bowl advertisements has become an industry in itself.   A recent survey confirms that 91% of consumers say they are as interested in watching the commercials as the game itself. 

This year's offerings run the gamut from the traditional (Budweiser's Clydesdales...again) to the non-traditional (a series of Tide ads featuring players from both the Ravens and the 49ers)...and of course, plenty of sex and silliness...Sports Illustrated swimsuit models eating fish sandwiches in bikinis on the beach being both sexy and silly I guess?  I have already picked my favorite (since we can now see actual previews of commercials - the joy of THAT INTERNET THING) - hands-down, Seth Rogen and Paul Rudd's Samsung Mobile ad - because sarcasm and wit have always been sexier to me than swimsuits and fish sandwiches.

I must admit that my house watches most of its TV on DVR, which (joyfully) negates commercials as a whole...but during those times that I am watching actual live TV, I do pay attention to ads...and what I have seen in terms of trends lately are FAR from sexy or silly...in fact, the state of commercials today in the non-Super Bowl environment can best be described as DISTURBING.

Candi's Least Favorite Non-Super Bowl Ad Trends:

1.  Dysfunctional Digestion...Is the entire frigging country bloated and constipated?  Whether it's Jamie Lee Curtis shilling her diarrhea yogurt or the endless glut of Fiber One products designed to "clean you out" - seriously?  It's enough to make me miss that old Pepto-Bismol spot where they sang that song - nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, diarrhea (cha cha cha) - one of the original "disturbing" ads that started this trend.

2.  The Side Effects Will Kill Ya...since the floodgates opened and tons of prescription meds were allowed to be shown on TV, we have been inundated with these bizarre commercials...women sitting in dark rooms suffering from depression...little kids staring longingly out the window to the yard they can't play in because of their crippling allergies...executives sitting at business lunches, unable to eat anything on the table due to their flaming esophagus issues...and then the sun comes out!  We have a pill for that!  Only problem is that this commercial is 60 seconds instead of 30 because it takes us an extra whole time slot to read the list of frightening and damaging side effects...we'll treat your depression, but you might suffer kidney damage!  But hey, you'll be the happiest, most well-adjusted patient in the dialysis clinic!  

3.  Insurance Overload - While some of them are actually slightly amusing and quite clever (example - the Allstate Mayhem commercials), my annoyance stems from the general overabundance of the insurance ads in general...Allstate (Mayhem AND the President from 24), Flo the Progressive Lady (I think she shoots 3 commercials per day), Farmers (We Are Farmers...bum ba-bum bum bum), The General (who apparently smokes 3 packs a day) - ENOUGH!  It's just overkill. 

4. Share The Wealth - Julia Roberts doesn't have enough money? She needs to do voice-overs for Progressive insurance? She is far from alone...stealing work from voice-over (starving) artists on a TV near you these days are George Clooney, Keifer Sutherland, Kevin Spacey, Gene Hackman, Jeff Bridges, Tim Allen, Dennis Leary, David Duchovny, John Goodman, Brad Pitt, Sean Connery...used to be that voice-overs were for the ugly people...can we go back to that please?     

5.  TMI Nation...by far, the single most disturbing trend is the over-sharing going on these days about menstruation and bowel movements.  These are just things that should not be discussed in any way, shape or form.  Period.  Speaking of period, I don't need to see all these chicks dancing in da club, secure in the fact that their tampons won't leak on their slutty white minidresses...nor do I care about the girl in the white string bikini enjoying the pool (and even the diving board!) for the same reason.  Are there this many people having these types of accidents? Do they have mothers or friends? And don't even get me started on the toilet paper commercials...Enjoy the go? For real?  I need to see a commercial about women "getting real" and lamenting the fact that their toilet paper is ripping when they wipe their ass?  CUT YOUR NAILS.  LAY OFF THE ACTIVIA.  AND SHUT UP.
 
I guess I should just be thankful that these types of ads are not "flashy" enough to be part of the Super Bowl rotation.  Because if that happens, get ready to watch Julia Roberts complaining about how her constipation issues lead to her needing stronger toilet paper and a prescription for Cymbalta in order to deal with it.

Candi's 1st Annual Golden Globes Fashion Recap

Greetings! Welcome to my very 1st Golden Globes Fashion Recap...I have been fashion blogging the Oscars for several years now, but never the Globes...after watching last night's telecast, I could not resist adding my two cents (well, maybe more like $11.57 or so...).

As you know, I don't watch these shows for the award results - you may or not know, but the Hollywood Foreign Press Association is made up of less than 100 people - I believe only about 75 are able to vote - so forgive me for not giving a flying fig what a bunch of foreign journalists think - this is the explanation for Argo beating Lincoln.  

Tina & Amy were fabulous - they just weren't on enough! Compared to Ricky Gervais, I'll take the ladies...Ricky had to rely on shocking insults to get a laugh - Tina & Amy know how to zing only the people that EVERYONE loves to mock (i.e. James Cameron), which makes it funny instead of just mean (though Tina's comment to Taylor Swift to stay away from Michael J. Fox's son was right on the border - but I laughed out loud)...

As for the "presenters" - can someone please figure out how to fix this situation? Can we just ask the people with brains to participate and confine the rest of them to the red carpet and audience only? If you can't memorize two silly lines about "5 incredible performances" without reading it off the Teleprompter, you really don't belong up on the stage.  I always find it interesting how the TV people are much better at the ad-libbing than the movie people - not surprising since they memorize pages of stuff in the time that the "movie stars" film one 10-second scene...

This does NOT include Kristen Wiig and Will Ferrell - they came out doing the Taylor Swift "I'm So Shocked!" Face that Kristen perfected on SNL and then mocked the presenting process by claiming to have watched the nominated films in their category (while they clearly did not) - as with most SNL-related bits, it went on a bit long, but how can you not LOVE a skit that produces this classic reaction from old craggleface (when they had the nerve to mock Meryl Streep)...

Lighten up T-Bone! Your life is not that bad...

Time for the frocks...

My Nashville Ladies! Love them!  Hayden Panetierre (on the left) wins my overall Best Dressed Award for last night's festivities - in a different situation, I might not look twice at that dress - nothing really new, but she rocks it because it is the perfect fit for her shape, her hair and make-up look gorgeous and her pink clutch adds just the right amount of age-appropriate sassiness...as opposed to these young girls that find it necessary to dress like hags before their time (Amanda Seyfried, I am coming for you in just a few moments, my dear...) - and Connie Britton is just one of my faves in general - her dress is nothing spectacular, but at least her boobs look to be in the appropriate location on her body (oh yes Jennifer Lawrence - you are also on my hit list).

 SMASHING...SORT OF?  The Ladies of Smash were a mixed bag...I liked all three of them, but didn't LOVE them...black = BOOOOOOOOORING!  Debra Messing is still recovering from scarf-gate, so I guess she just wanted to expose her neck as much as possible...but when you have hair like hers, it should be big and on display! And redheads can wear soooo many amazing colors - why black? And there may be a bit of a theatre curtain thing going on with that skirt - hard to tell because it is BLACK.  Katharine McPhee was one of many of the evening's "Flaunt What You Don't Got" crew with the whole "little boy" cleavage thing, but hers looks better than most...I like her dress the most out of these three...Megan Hilty - you look great, but if that dress was in a different and more exciting color, you would have POPPED my dear...red is just not what it used to be...it's been done - to DEATH!

 

VA-VA-VA-VOOM...I can take points off of Sofia Vergara for wearing black...but that's really nitpicking when you are rocking that body...one of my favorite things about her is that she always looks comfortable - she may not FEEL it, but she looks it...and Jessica Alba - what can I say? You are stunning - I am not in love with your Orange Crush lipstick, but other than that, perfection - fits like a glove.

Crazy Like A Fox-Green...or is it Megan Fox Austin-Green? Either way, it helps to soothe my anger at your insane beauty (not to mention post-baby body, you bitch) to know that you are married to David Silver...and that you are taking husband hand-me-downs from Tiffani Amber-Thiessen and Vanessa Marcil (aka the Megan Foxes of the 1990s)...P.S. Your dress is boring.

Dear Kristen Bell:  You look totes adorbs in your pretty maternity gown - I still don't really understand how you and that goofball Dax Sheppard wound up having a baby together, but I am sure there is another whole side of him that I don't know about (?)...just as a courtesy to you, I want you to be aware now of the two paths this can go:

On the left, we have Claire Danes.  Claire Danes pushed out a baby 27 days ago.  Yes, that says 27 days.   

On the right, you will see Adele.  Adele's baby was born on October 20th.  That's 3 months ago.  

Adele is a normal person, exhibiting the normal amount of post-baby bloating in the belly region common to childbirth, and going with the flowy black ensemble that is most common in the closets of new moms...

Claire Danes is obviously a Fembot.

The choice is yours.

Glenn Close - Glenn, I have been rough on you in the past - constantly calling you "mannish" and "matronly", sometimes in the same fashion review.  But you look lovely tonight my dear - instead of looking like you are wearing your husband's tux jacket over your gown, the style and cut of this dress are perfect for you...and your hair looks less severe (aka Fatal Attraction crazy) than it has been looking the past few outings - Bravo! However, based on your participation in the little "drunk Glenn Close" routine with Tina & Amy, drama is most definitely your forte my dear...stick with what you know.

Jodie Foster (recipient of the Cecile B. DeMille Award) - since you traditionally tend to go the "Glenn Close" route in your fashion choices (sorry Glenn...too soon?) - I am very pleasantly surprised by this little ditty!  I would love to see you spice up your bob a little, but for 50 years old, you are looking pretty good...now we need to talk about your peeps.  Mel Gibson and Robert Downey Jr. are like your two closest BFFs...that's a lot of cray cray in one posse girlfriend...and I just don't see Mel being very open to the whole "my sons have two mommies" thing you have going on there - maybe I'm wrong - he looked quite perplexed during your speech last night - did he KNOW that you were gay? 

Anne Hathaway - Upon first glance, I hated you for wearing white - AGAIN...(and please don't where red to the Oscars AGAIN)...but this dress grew on me - still think you could take it up a notch - the whole pixie cut thing allows you to show off your freakishly long neck, but that means when you wear white, I think swan...just saying...and on a personal note - I want to like you.  I really really want to like you.  But something's just not right.  I can't shake the notion that you are just a tad fake - the whole "shock and awe" routine is not impressive when you are picked as the favorite prior to the show - we all know you knew that there was a pretty, pretty good chance you would win - so prepare your freaking speech and don't start off by saying BLURG - it's Tina's word - not yours - you can't pull off BLURG...

Taylor Swift - I actually love the dress...but I hate the hair and the puss - you are never fully dressed without a smile Taylor...I find it comical that the reporters called this your "revenge" dress since you are like 12 and all your little boy crushes are nothing more than that...I dig your songs - it seems that there are a lot of people out there Taylor-hating, and I just want to say that as a mother of a little girl, I much prefer your lyrics and what they represent to young girls than most of the other crappy pop music out there...just please don't go back to that whole "WALL OF CURLS" thing you had going on in front of your one eye for the past few years - it was just distracting...try not to find the red lipstick either...








Jennifer Lawrence - I LOVE/HATE this look...love the color, love the belt, love the silhouette, love the accessories and the hair...HATE THE BOOBAGE - SHELF CITY - it looks like you are actually flat-chested and decided to jam a couple of lemons in there, but you jammed them about 3 inches too low - if this dress had just been tight around the bust (without the boob definition) it may have been my favorite of the night...so close Jennifer! But I heart you as Katniss xoxo

Kate Hudson - Another LOVE/HATE for me...you know I am not a fan of black (but I would much rather see pasty blonde Kate in black than white or cream, two of her faves) - the waist embellishment is cool - the peephole cleave is cool because I don't see any folds or anything - it's the neck - every time I look at it I see jeweled dog collar - and while her hair looks amazing, I'm not sure if it's working with the dog collar...but I LOVE more than I HATE...but I DO have to say that if I find out at a later date that this dress came out of Goldie's closet, I reserve the right to change my mind and declare it eternally fabulous!





 


Halle Berry - Hmmmm - awful lot of stuff going on here - I think my biggest issue with Miss Berry is that the dress she wore when she won Best Actress a few years back is literally in my Top 3 faves of ALL TIME, so I am very harsh on her subsequent choices...having said that, it's just a bit much for me...you are one of the few chicks that I am willing to accept the short hairdo on, but the spikes - not so much - and put your leg away - it was stupid when Angelina did it and it's still stupid.

Amanda Seyfried - Just why? I don't understand why these young girls choose to wear curtains and bedspreads and tablecloths from the Grandma Rose Collection to events like this...what is that stick thing across the top? Is that like a modesty bar to keep the boob area concealed? Because this dress was made in 1764? Or are you paying homage to the whole French Revolution thing by wearing something that looks like it survived that time? Just yuck...that is all.










Amy Adams - I cannot with this look.  I can't deal with the fleshtone situation - I can't even tell you what type of neckline this thing has because it is the exact color of her skin - like pasty camouflage. It's like a fleshy, chiffony, tulley nightmare...and bt dubs - your hair is ugly.  It's not "1920s" chic - it's just ugly.  Because it's 2013.

Julianne Moore - You drive me crazy.  I always want to like you, but something always goes awry...I am not a fan of the dress (mainly because I am not a fan of the "mod" look - especially in black and white), but Julianne - THE HAIR!  It doesn't even look that bad in this photo, but on my TV it looked like you got a bad French Twist at the corner old-bitty salon! You are a gorgeous redhead with flawless skin - explore the jewel tones - maybe some soft waves...hire a stylist...something... 







Kristen Wiig - I can see your boob fold.  You killed it right there.  You are not Jennifer Aniston.  That is all.

Lena Dunham - I don't understand the appeal of your show - I know that millions thoroughly enjoy it, and it's quite possible that I am just too old or jaded to appreciate a show about young twenty-somethings complaining (because the true challenges of life don't even arrive until your 40s sister - trust me) - that being said, your dress looks like you got it at an end-of-season tag sale at David's Bridal - you do not know how to walk in heels - this means that you should not wear heels - it's pretty simple.  Your tattoos are jarring, to say the least...I know that you don't care what I think - cause you are too cool for school...but here's a little tip you may want to embrace - don't condescend to people like Tina Fey, even in a "fan" type of way - telling her that she got you through Middle School may have sounded like a compliment in your head, but it wasn't.

Nicole Kidman - When I think back to the days of Tom & Nicole, while most think of you as a brainwashed "Scientology" slave, I choose to remember the bold days of fashion - the chartreuse dress with the flowers - at a time when NO ONE wore anything but solid colors...you were a rock star.  And now, what I am guessing you believe is "edgy" just looks ugly to me.  Alexander McQueen is for people like Lady Gaga...and you are not doing the milk complexion any favors with that hair color - bring back the red! 

Sienna Miller - On what planet could one possibly think that this was a pretty dress?  I don't even know what to say about it - it looks like it has chenille pom poms on it - you also have been quite the rock star at many an event...let's get our shit together before the Oscars please...this is an epic fail.

Jennifer Lopez - This is a Doily Disaster.  We are no longer falling for that whole "FLESH COLOR?  OR IS IT HER ACTUAL SKIN???" routine anymore.  You are here with a dancer dude named Casper...in a room with Ben Affleck and P Diddy - what was worse?  The emotional discomfort? Or the itchy monstrosity discomfort?  Just curious.  Your hair looks amaze-balls...that I will give you.

Lucy Liu

Miss Lucy had a garden
She wore it to the show
Whatever could possess her
We may never know...

Taking fugliness to new heights - 1st runner up in the Worst Dressed Category...Lucy Liu.

YIKES. 

Jessica Chastain - And the award for Worst-Dressed goes to...Jessica Chastain.

I am not sure if she has a stylist, but I implore her to hire one before attending the Oscars - not only is that dress incredibly hideous and draped in all the wrong places, the color is doing her no favors and her hair is an insult to hair.  The push-back - the part - what the f*ck?

Best part ever - look at the face on the lady walking behind her...SAYS IT ALL. 

YUCK.

 


KELLY OSBOURNE & GIULIANA RANCIC - A special "Who the HELL are you to judge?" award to these two twits - they are in no way, shape or form qualified to judge fashion...Between the purple hair and the mint green dress, Kelly looks like a frigging Easter egg - and why is the bottom piece of her dress attached like a stiff weird thing at the bottom?  It looks photo-shopped!  And if she doesn't learn any new words besides INCREDIBLE and AMAZING I am dead-serious going to mail her a dictionary...

And the other one - Jesus Christ that is the ugliest dress I have ever seen - she wins the Tilda Swinton Award hands-down - it's like Dolly Parton without the boobs! Grand Ole Opry Horror Show!!!! I CAN'T! 

It's been fun!  See you after the Oscars xoxo