Where Dreams Come True...Well, For Most Of You

Us special needs families just can't catch a break - even in the most magical place on Earth!

Disney recently announced that they will be overhauling their policy on special treatment for visitors with disabilities.  No more "please pass go, head to the front of the line" for us - we will now be treated like all the other families.

Why the change? It seems that it has become somewhat of a "game" for non-disabled (normal? healthy? abled?) families to beat the system of waiting on lines in Disney World.  So, how, you ask, do they accomplish this? By faking a disability. Yep, that's what it says. FAKING a disability. Apparently, FastPass just wasn't cutting it for them.

In fact, an investigation by an NYC newspaper revealed that wealthy families from Manhattan have bragged about hiring a "disabled" person to chuck into a motorized wheelchair and schlep through the parks as if they were a member of the family - just to be eligible to receive these passes for the whole group.  One wealthy mom was even quoted as saying "This is how the 1% does Disney..."
 
I will pause while you swallow back down your lunch...

Let me go on record here and state that I have not one speck of interest in taking my autistic son to Disney. I have three children, spread apart over a 13-year span.  We took the oldest when he was almost six...he was an only child - he had a blast.  We will take the 2-year old in a few years so that she can "share the magic" too.  Truthfully, I have yet to feel the urge to return. I have always found the words Disney Vacation to be a contradiction in terms.  It is hard work, especially if you are a Type A Psycho like me (I had a binder - with tabs - and daily laminated sheets of our events and activities...).  Of course, autism has stripped me of much of my Type A-ism over the past few years, so I am not really sure how I would even survive the planning and execution.

My Luke is eight years old...do I think he is missing out by not going to Disney?  Nope. But, he is very low-functioning, and while he does remain in constant motion all day, I have no way of knowing if he would love or loathe the rides.  And in his case, it would be about more than just waiting on line.  Once the ride ENDED, he would not want to get off of it if he DID happen to enjoy it.  Just the thought of the plane ride has me reaching for the Zoloft as I type this.  I envision nothing but horrific nightmares when I think about bringing him to the place where dreams come true.

HAVING SAID THAT...I will still stand up for the families that have special needs children that would benefit from the joys of a Disney vacation.  Those children who are cognizant of the fact that this magical place is out there, and just need a little help to make the experience a successful and enjoyable one.  Is it really that much to ask that they be allowed to avoid the sensory overload of a long line in order to get this little piece of happy in a life full of daily challenges and hurdles that many don't even comprehend?

I am fully aware that there are a number of people out there that take exception to any preferential special treatment afforded those with special needs.  There are also people out there that think autism is simply a discipline problem. If you are one of those people, I am not sure there is anything that I can say to you to change your mind.  But I am extending an open invitation to you...come over anytime!  Spend a Saturday in my home...you will leave with a new perspective on what it really means to live with special needs...and you may even realize that you don't have it so bad.

So because a large number of families that have been blessed with healthy, regular-functioning children have decided to take advantage of a system that was put into place to help those with special needs, they have ruined it for everyone, including themselves. I am sure that Disney will put a new policy in place to replace the old.  That is the type of company that they are - they don't like bad press.  But how unfortunate that this overhaul is even necessary - those parents that brought about this action should be ashamed of themselves. I would give my right arm to wait in a long line with a "regular" kid.

Count your blessings people...



  

More Than Words...

Yes, I read the letter.  Several times.

I will post it here just for the benefit of those that have not experienced the uneducated wrath of "one pissed off mother"...

This eloquent missive was stuck underneath the door of a family's house in Canada - home to a teenage autistic boy - and big surprise - no signature!

The most shocking thing to me about this letter?  The fact that I do not find it shocking.

Yes, it's abhorrent, offensive, crude, aggressive, ignorant, abusive, repugnant, abominable, callous - I could go on - but why, you ask, am I not shocked?

Because we live in a society where the string of adjectives above describes not only this letter, but a large segment of the people that walk among us.

We live in a society ruled by narcissism, skepticism and egotism.  Common courtesy is out the window. Unwritten rules no longer exist.  And written rules are often ignored.   We live in a world full of confrontation, judgement and litigation.  People are mean. People are selfish.  What's in it for me? Why should I help you? What have you done for me lately?  Kindness is the exception rather than the norm.

Take the news for example.  How they make a HUGE DEAL out of someone doing the "right" thing. We get treated to a "feel-good" story a couple of times a week...usually the result of a Good Samaritan doing what used to be considered normal. Lending a hand. Wait, is there a reward? No? Damn.

Witnessed any accidents or fistfights lately?  Or even extreme weather?  Did you notice all the people standing around with their phones out, taping it and taking pictures like they have a Press Badge but not giving two thoughts to whether or not someone may be in danger.  Pictures first! I'll call 911 right after I get this shot!  

This letter is about so much more than autism.  It is a shining example of the lack of compassion, empathy and general benevolence that has poisoned our world.  Not only against autism, but against any group that is different in any way.  People fear what they do not understand.  Autism clearly fits that bill, but can be easily substituted with a variety of communities that "they" don't consider to be normal.  Color, creed, culture, class...all up for judgment.

I could write a couple of paragraphs that blames the media, the government, rap music, technology, etc.  But let's call a spade a spade here - it's all about the parents.  A baby is not born with the ability to judge, to hate, to crucify, to detest...these are learned behaviors.

Bringing a child into this world comes with a set of responsibilities that many "adults" do not seem to comprehend.  First and foremost, it means that the child and its needs come first.  BEFORE YOU. BEFORE YOUR NEEDS.  You are signing an unwritten agreement to raise a human being - this requires nurturing and love and security.  If you can't get on board with this concept, or you will not be able to handle being SECOND, then don't have children.  It's really that simple.

As the mother of a non-verbal autistic child, I am tested in this capacity beyond the traditional requirements. My son is demanding, exhausting, taxing, challenging - he requires more from me than I ever thought I had to give.  There are days that I hate my life.  Yup, I said it.  And there are days that I see the tiniest glimmer of hope and I remember that my boy teaches me things.  How to be patient, how to appreciate the little things, how to not give a second thought to so much bullshit that used to clutter my brain.  As much as I would not wish this journey on anyone, I will admit that I have evolved into a better human through my daily dealings with autism.

Can the person that wrote this letter say the same?  I think not.

This letter does not make me angry.  It makes me sad.  I feel sorry for the person that wrote this letter.  It must hurt to have that much hate in your heart.  And I feel sorry for her children.  They will most likely grow up in an environment of anger, resentment and judgment instead of nurture, love and security.  And they will suffer for it.  

As will we all.

Dedicated To The Ones I Love...Permanently.

Guess what? I got a tattoo last night.

To many, this will be shocking.  I am a girl that speaks my mind, and in the past, I have spoken "against" tattoos - I mean, to each his or her own, but not for me.  Just never been a fan.  Could never lose that visual of what it will look like 30, 40, 50 years down the road.  And let's be honest, I do not possess the body beautiful...there was a time when I used to think "well, maybe if I ever achieve that rocking body - THEN I will think about it"...

So what changed?  Well, I guess if you were to ask me that question, my answer would be a resounding "EVERYTHING."  What hasn't changed? What's black is now white, what's hot is now cold, what's up is now down.  Autism has flipped our world on its ass, and kicked us in the shins just for good measure.  My Type A and OCD tendencies have been damaged beyond repair...oh, I still think that way - I just do not have the time, energy or money to live that way anymore.

I have learned to let things go.  I do not write as many lists as I used to.  I take it one day at a time. I have less food in the refrigerator and more dust on the mantel - and guess what? We still wake up every morning and get through the day.

Don't get me wrong - this isn't a whole "stop and smell the roses" lecture - this is just our reality. Our days are hard - full of challenges we never expected to have to deal with.  But it is what it is - one of my favorite quotes has always been "Life is what happens when you're busy making plans." I know now that plans go awry...we can't predict what will come next in this crazy thing called life...we just have to find a way to change ourselves to be able to handle what comes down the pike.

So what the hell does any of this have to do with a tattoo???

Well, being a reformed (sorta) Type A/OCD/Planner Girl has lead me to think that maybe I need to be more impulsive once in a while.  When faced with the opportunity to do this yesterday, my first instinct was to kibosh it immediately - and then I started thinking about all of my autism mama friends that have personal "tributes" to the cause inked on their bodies - and for some reason, the whole idea of making a PERMANENT statement like that seemed appealing...what better way to truly commit yourself to a cause that you are passionate about? I raise buckets of money...I talk about autism when people ask questions...I am in this thing for the long haul, like it or not!

While it is autism that lead me to this little personal epiphany regarding body art, this doesn't change the fact that I have 3 kids...all of them sharing space in my world. And let's not forget my husband...as of this November, we have been "together" for 28 years...I guess that deserves some sort of symbolic recognition?

So how to address "the cause" and yet still make it about all of us?

Ta-Daaaaa (as Gia would say)...here it is - the four pieces of my heart - connected to me, and to their father as the middle piece - the colors represent their birthstones - Adam (sapphire), Evan (topaz), Luke (peridot) and Gia (ruby)...artistic props to a genius tattoo artist because if you saw my original rendering...let's just say that art is not in my repertoire!

Yes, I got a tattoo last night.  I did something impulsive that was outside my normal comfort zone. I did not over-analyze it or write a list of pros and cons about it, or research its prophetic meanings on Google...I just went with my heart.

An Open Letter To Katie Couric...

Katie and her Godson Jay

Dear Katie:

I wish this was a thank you letter.  That after watching yesterday's show (Living With Autism) I would be so moved at its attempts to tackle what living with autism is really like that I would be inclined to write you a big fat thank you letter.  Alas, this is not the case.

Katie - you did us wrong.

Who is us? Us is the OTHER side of autism.  The messy, ugly, uncomfortable side...where so many of us "live" with autism in a place that looks quite different from yesterday's show. It's very crowded over here on this side...

The side where parents are physically drained and mentally exhausted just trying to make it through the days...

The side where the kids remain non-verbal...and in a constant state of frustration...where trying to communicate often leads your child to hysterical tantrums and sometimes violence...

The side where financial struggles are plaguing families in multiple ways - extra expenses related to non-insured treatments and therapies, special diets, extra babysitting - piled on top of parents that have either left their jobs to care for their child, or had to take a lower-paying position in order to be more available to their child...there is never enough money on our side...

The side where the kids are not yet potty-trained beyond the traditional diaper sizes...where you have to go online to find diapers...where you have multiple poop-smearing stories to share at parties...(oh wait - we don't really go to parties on this side)... 

The side where the divorce rate is even higher than the rest of the country...and where even the couples that manage to stay together still live life as two families - where one parent stays home with the child that can't go to the parties and functions and places that just don't work - and the other goes with the other kids...or alone...or just not at all...

The side where your child's "talents" and "gifts" are less musical and artistic and more breaking things, escaping, and remaining in a constant state of motion for more than 10 hours a day... 

The side where siblings also suffer...and have feelings of resentment...and then feel guilty for feeling that resentment...and act out on these feelings in numerous ways that only add to the fun for the parents that are already struggling to get through the days...

The side where people stare...and whisper...and judge...and say the wrong things - sometimes because they are uneducated asshats, but sometimes because they just don't know what else to say...

The side where any interaction with members of the medical community leads to frustration and resistance...because autism is ONLY neurological, they say...where they are only too happy to discuss the importance of immunizations with you, but not as willing to chat about why your child has bizarre bowel movements, strange rashes and a diet that consists of carbs only...

The side where parents spend hours in closed rooms with administrators from school districts in exhausting IEP meetings, begging for services that should be given willingly...where they are cast as troublemakers, just for trying to do right by their own child...

The side where the word spectrum is a dirty word...where that word divides the autism community in a bitter and self-damaging way...where children that fall on opposite ends of said spectrum do not desire or require the same actions...and how the invisible walls between the various locations of this spectrum serve as roadblocks to true progress for all...

The side where you find yourself wondering if and how your child will ever function in the real world...where you question what will happen when you are no longer here...where the future is unknown, frightening, and keeps us awake at night...assuming that our children are not already doing that for us... 

You see Katie, it is a very different reality over here on our side.

So go ahead and show the good stuff...show the Temple Grandins and the Jacob Barnetts and the Chad DenDantos and the musicians and the artists and ALL of the gifted and talented members of our community and let their accomplishments inspire as they should...but you have to show the other side...you can't show the good without the bad...at best, it is irresponsible journalism...at worst, it is a step back for all of us...

Signed,
An Autism Mom Living On The Other Side 

A Tribute To The Moms I Know & Love...

Back in 2009, I wrote a Facebook "note" that paid tribute to all of the mothers in my life and how they impacted my world...little did I know that so much could change in just 4 years...I have experienced and witnessed things that I never would have imagined...and I managed to pop out a third kid along the way! So here, in 2013, I present this updated version - a tribute to the Moms I know and love...


Mothers...there's nothing else like them...good days, bad days, roller-coaster ups and downs, happy milestones, disappointing setbacks, emotional outbursts, heartbreaking love...no other "job" is more challenging, fascinating, draining, rewarding or important...and no other job has as many "co-workers" to share your joy, feel your pain and keep you sane.

To all of my "co-workers" out there...this one's for you...

TO MY PARTNERS IN PREGNANCY...
We shared our pregnancies and all that comes with them...belly laughs, food issues, swollen cankles, baby names, showers, hopes, fears and dreams...lucky for me that EACH time that I was pregnant it was at the same time as a great bunch of fellow mommies-to-be...would not have been the same without you...Happy Mother's Day!

TO MY "LONG-TIME" FRIENDS...
I have been friends with some of you for over 30 years...who knew back in grade school, high school, college that we would still be together, sharing so many milestones...first loves, bad break-ups, graduations, engagements, weddings, divorces, infertility challenges, pregnancy, miscarriages, good times, bad times...but the most important milestone that we have shared and continue to share is the journey of motherhood...now that my oldest is 14, I love telling him stories about you all and reliving memories that I will always cherish...I thank you all for the impact that you have had and continue to have in my life...and may we all still know and love each other when we become Grandmas some day...Happy Mother's Day!

TO MY "NEWER" FRIENDS...
A wise woman once told me that your best friends will wind up being the ones that you meet through the relationships of your children (it was my mom...).  As with many things, she was correct.  I found a bunch of amazing women to be friends with when my oldest was in 1st grade and first joined flag football.  It feels like a lifetime already...and that's because I literally could not imagine my life without you all in it. Whether I met you behind the school, on the football field, around town or through other friends, I am so glad to know you all and have the honor of calling you my friends...you have been there for me through some of the roughest challenges I have faced...supporting me with just a look, or a joke...or whatever I needed.  Happy Mother's Day!

TO MY FELLOW EIGHTH-GRADE MOMS...
I have said it before and I'll say it again...no matter how good of a "parenting" job we do with our kids, the wrong influence from certain friends can change the path of your child's future in an instant. So I want to thank all of the moms of Evan's classmates and schoolmates at LMS and now SBMS...what a great bunch of kids...a testament to their parents. And as our kids get older, they may grow further apart or closer together...but I will always be grateful that this group was with him in his formative years. So thanks for raising great kids...Happy Mother's Day!

TO THE MOMS THAT FACE UNIQUE CHALLENGES...OTHER THAN AUTISM
I am the mother of a special needs child. It is hard to type that, and even harder to live it every day. But let's face it - kids don't need to be "diagnosed" with something to present their own unique challenges to their mothers. So whether your child is ADD, ADHD, OCD, has social challenges, behavioral issues, learning disabilities or just does not know when to stop pushing your buttons...motherhood can be a bumpy road...but having friends in the passenger seat that understand what you are going through makes the ride a little easier...Happy Mother's Day!

TO MY WARRIOR MOM FRIENDS...
When Luke was first diagnosed way back in 2007, I did not let myself be open to meeting the other autism mommies out there.  As is usually the case with me, I was stubborn, and I decided that I knew best and that I could make it on my own.  Well, WRONG!  None of us can go this road alone.  And as much as I would not wish autism on my worst enemy, the friendships that I have found in you have been the one bright spot on this often-dark road.  You GET it.  You REALLY GET it.  And I would be absolutely lost without you all...Autism may have brought us together, but it's our shared passion and commitment to doing right by our babies that has cemented that initial bond and made you some of the best friends a girl could ask for...Happy Mother's Day!

TO MY SISTER...MY FRIEND...
We were not pals when we were kids.  We were different - we are still different.  But the one thing that has created a bond between us more than anything else is motherhood.  My children are blessed beyond belief to have their Aunt Tace...and as much as we used to watch Evan and Lauren together, we now watch Lauren and Gia do the same things, but in reverse roles...and it's amazing and pure and special and I am so glad that they have both of you in their lives...Happy Mother's Day!

TO THE MOTHER OF THEM ALL...
What's left to say about my mom?  I never felt like I got a lot of "things" from you - my looks, my sarcasm, my pessimism - all Dad...but just when I thought that I had that all figured out...along came autism into my life...and I figured out that what you gave me is strength.  Strength and determination and conviction and passion to fight this nemesis in my life and do what needs to be done.  That's all you.  I get on your case for being overly optimistic, but whether I realize it or not, it's in me too - it may be buried under the surface, but if I didn't have it in there somewhere, I would be a crumpled mess.  You are selfless - you spend your free time doing amazing things for your husband, children, mother, grandchildren, co-workers, friends and neighbors...that is just who you are - you are a woman with a generous heart and soul, and we all take you for granted way too much...so I will state here publicly I feel blessed every day to have you for a mother...Happy Mother's Day!

The Original Nemesis...Just Weighting Around...

OK - here goes - the blog I don't want to write. It's a tough one.  But I named it CandiDLY SPEAKING, so I guess it's part of the deal.

Those of you that know me probably already know that in addition to my main nemesis (autism), I also have an old foe that continues to torture me today as it has for most of the past 42 1/2 years.

It's not as easy for me to write about weight as it is about autism.  I guess that's because regardless of how I have come to terms with my limitations when it comes to eating the right way and taking proper care of my body, I still feel immense guilt that I can't get this shit under control.  
I have never been the stereotypical fat person.  I have always been blessed with amazing, true girlfriends - since first grade! I had my first kiss in 1st grade...and had regular boyfriends since 5th.  I was, I would like to think, somewhat of a leader.  I ran clubs, organized stuff, was elected President of my class and my sorority in high school ...was even chosen as Most Likely To Succeed by my senior class! Hell, I married the captain of the football team people.  Pretty impressive stuff for a fat chick, just saying!

But the weight was always there - taunting me from the inside.  I wish that I could tell you that it was not an impediment, that having all of this normalcy made it no big deal to be bigger than everyone else.  But that would be a lie.

Because in my safe little bubble of Saddle Brook, life was beautiful.  Those that knew me never treated me differently.  I was just Candi.

Those that didn't know me or care about me...different story.

The bully up the street that thought it was funny to call me Fat Rat.  The kid two blocks over that asked me if my mother named me Candi because I ate a lot of candy.  The cheerleading coach that told me I was too fat to be a cheerleader and put me on a mandatory diet - I had to be weighed by the nurse every Friday, and if I didn't lose weight that week, I couldn't cheer at the game that weekend.  The next summer she told me not to try out for the squad ("I will not have a fat cheerleader") and offered me the mascot costume - Malcolm The F'ing Falcon - I shit you not.  I didn't share that one with my parents until I was in my thirties.

I was only 9 years old the first time I went to a Weight Watchers meeting.  Thus began a long and varied list of attempts to get this shit under control.  Eleanor's Way, Nutri-System, Jenny Craig, the "Oprah" Liquid Diet, 7 Days of This, 4 Days of That, Atkins, Slim-Fast...do it for the Coronation Ball, do it for graduation, do it for prom, do it for your wedding...up and down, down and up...

In 1997, I took diet pills (uppers - let's call them what they were) for 9 months straight - I was cleaning closets in the middle of the night and smoking 2 packs a day, but I lost 80 pounds that year.  Why the success? Because I wanted to get pregnant...and I did, fairly quickly - up, up, up, up, up...

Cut to 2003...I wanted another baby, but my weight had skyrocketed...so I had gastric bypass surgery.  Extreme, yes.  But please understand that when it gets that bad, everything is relative.  "Aren't you afraid of having such a risky surgery?" No, actually, I am afraid that I am going to die at a young age and leave my kid without a mother.

I lost 110 pounds - life was good for a while!  Got pregnant with Baby #2, only gained about 20 pounds...not bad...until autism came along...and the picking began.  Home for 5 years, here come the poor eating habits - no meals, just snacks...pick, pick, pick, pick...

2012...broken ankle...completely sedentary on the couch...up, up, up...starving all the time - this is a new development! That hasn't happened since before the bypass - why am I starving? Go to the doctor - tests - the connection between your pouch and your intestine has loosened and food is not staying in your stomach for more than 5 minutes.  Well, that explains that.

Here I am again.  How did this happen?  

So, tomorrow, 10 years later, I go in for a lap-band.  Yup, TWO weight loss surgeries in one lifetime.

I happen to believe that just as money can't buy you happiness (I don't really believe that, but let's just say that it's true for argument's sake...), skinny can not do the job either.  Miserable people will be miserable no matter what the hell they weigh.  I could lose 100 pounds in the next year from this procedure...but would it make me happy? No.  It will hopefully make me healthier, definitely make me more comfortable, probably give me more energy...and I have a new motivation for making it work this time around.  I have an autistic son.  A son who may never be able to live on his own...which means that I need to do whatever possible to stick around for quite some time.

Some will say (or think, but NOT say) that Weight Loss Surgery is the easy way out.  I have two answers for this.  First, I can attest to the fact that it is not.  It is a tool, and used correctly, it can do amazing things.  But if you abuse it, and don't deal with the demons that are the root cause of your weight issues, it is a useless tool.  Second, you know what?  I am great at a lot of things.  But I suck at controlling my weight.  So if you want to call it easy, I am 100% fine with that.  I got enough shit that's hard in my world - I'll take something easy, thank you very much.

So wish me luck - here's hoping you'll be seeing less of me starting tomorrow...

The Day We Figured It Out

April 6, 2007...Good Friday...

Starts out as just another day...final preparations for Easter - do I have enough stuff for my boys' baskets? Do I have something for them to wear on Sunday? Do I have all the stuff for the artichoke pies? What am I wearing? Always the same pre-holiday questions...

At approximately 4:20 pm, I am moving from the hallway to the kitchen, and out of the corner of my eye, I catch Oprah on TV - my eye is caught for 2 reasons - first, because she still has those giant yellow chairs that I always loved (same ones that Tom Cruise did his Crazy-Katie-I'm-In-Love routine on)...second, because behind Oprah is a big screen...on this screen is a list of four things...at the top of this list are the words SIGNS OF AUTISM...

My heart starts to race.  I read them and I read them again.  They describe my son. Perfectly.

I go into the TV room next door where Luke is "playing" - I call his name.  He doesn't look up.  We have already had his ears checked. Twice.  He is 20 months old.

I put quotes around playing because it's actually his version of playing.  This is before I learned all of the dreaded and horrible words that would take over my life in the next few months...appropriate play, purposeful play, meaningful play...I will learn all-too-soon what all these words mean...right now I just think that my son likes to spin shit, jump high and throw stuff.

"Look how fast he can spin that wheel! Wow!"

"He's got some arm - what a throw!"

"He's getting major height on that couch! He's very athletic!"

By the time my son was 19 months, I was convinced that he was going to be in either the MLB, the NFL or the NBA - or maybe he would become the first one ever to do all three!

At 20 months...things changed.

I knew within five minutes of reading those word's behind Oprah's head that my son had autism.

That night, after the boys are in bed, I broach the topic with Adam.  Before I can even get out the words, he looks at me and says "You think Luke is autistic, don't you." - no question mark - he didn't ask it as a question. He said it like a statement.  A statement that he wanted me to refute or laugh at - not one that he wanted me to confirm.  But I did. Confirm it.

"Now what?" he looked at me with tears in his eyes.

And thus began the journey...initial appointment with pediatrician - "I wouldn't worry about it -he's probably just a late talker - let's wait until his 2-year check-up"...the second I walk in my house from that appointment I call the state (sorry Doc) - Early Intervention is what they call it - evaluations scheduled - some are at the hospital, some are at my house..."professionals" spending 15 minutes with my kid and giving an opinion...is that really enough time? I think not.  Watching him "play" in front of them, willing him to put the right damn shape in the correct frigging hole.  Just once. Prove them wrong baby.

"We don't think he has autism - we think it's just a delay with the SIGNS of autism"

Quite possibly the most damaging sentence that a doctor has ever spoken to me...due to that sentence, I spend the entire first year of this journey in semi-denial - oh, I got him all the therapies, and did what the case worker told me to do...but I did not utter the word autism...did not read one book, article or blurb about it. You know why? Because of what that doctor said.  He doesn't have autism.

But he did.  Oh boy, did he ever.  I went into the Early Intervention phase confident that we had "caught it in time" - that getting him so much help at such an early age would nip this shit in the bud.  That's not what happened.

The 6 years since that day have been more heartbreaking than heartwarming...the progress is slow and torturous...the setbacks are devastating.  The questions have no answers.  The problems have no solutions.  There are no experts.  Oh, there are a hell of a lot of people who THINK they are experts.  But they are not.  Is it medical? Is it neurological? Is it environmental? Why is this happening to so many kids? Why boys? Why New Jersey? The questions don't stop.

And every year, on Good Friday, I think back to that day.  Oprah. The yellow couches.

The A-Ha Moment I never wanted.

Oscars 2013...

Oscars 2013...Metal Health Will Drive You Mad!

Welcome to Candi's Oscar Fashion Recap - Version 6.0 - get ready to bang your head!

I gotta tell you my friends...this was a rough one.  Last night will not rank high on the list of all-time great Oscar telecasts for this girl...just saying!  Not only the show - which was moderately entertaining, but oftentimes laborious at best - but the fashions? Pretty much gross.  I hate to write a fashion recap that is heavy on the negative, but when all of Hollywood decides to show up draped in recycled car parts and tin cans, they just don't make it easy...  

But first, some random commentary on the big show:

Seth, Seth, Seth - you know that I adore you - I believe that the genius and multi-level humor written into every episode of Family Guy is sheer brilliance...your whole "Peter Brady/Donny Osmond with a touch of smarmy" thing you have going on works for you...I even picked you as the "random celebrity that I would have lunch with" on various All About Me surveys...I heart you, like for real.



But this is not the venue for you.  I don't say this to be mean.  I say this because while other critics will say "he was beneath the Oscars", I will say that you are ABOVE them...by this, I mean that your humor is a very specific type of funny.  It's sarcastic, mocking, self-loathing, over-the-top and the exact OPPOSITE of what the Hollywood industry stands for.  They do not like to be made fun of. They find themselves superior on almost every level.  They are, as a whole, egomaniacal at best.  They may clap politely, but inside they are all like, "Who IS this UNGODLY man and why is he on our stage?" - you were like Peter Griffin visiting an episode of Downton Abbey...and the worst part is that you kind of knew this, so instead of going balls to the wall and letting it rip, you held back (oh, I know that you held back) and so you were just...dare I type this? BORING.  Unfortunately, there is nowhere to go but down at this point.  Hit up MTV for the next movie awards...maybe the Espys?  You should have followed Ricky as the Golden Globes host and let Tina & Amy handle the big show...they would have totally rocked that shit.

But THANK YOU for bringing TED to the party...I love me some Ted!  He's insanely inappropriate, but that's okay when you are a cuddly stuffed bear in a tux.  Besides, he was only slightly less eloquent than his co-presenter (former CK undies bohunk Marky Mark), who, when opening the envelope and announcing a tie, proclaimed "No BS - it's a tie..." - you can take the boy out of South Boston...well, you know how that saying goes...

Random Fact about Seth:  Did you know that he was scheduled to be a passenger on American Airlines Flight 11 - one of the two planes that struck the World Trade Center on September 11th? He was severely hungover and missed his flight. True story.  This has absolutely nothing to do with the Oscars, but I am fascinated by this story nonetheless.

The THEME of the show was MOVIE MUSIC - just in case you missed that.  It's not that it's a bad theme, it just felt like we've been there, done that.  It's not like Chicago and Dreamgirls came out 30 years ago - All That Jazz?  What about a different song from Chicago - like maybe He Had It Coming...now THAT could have been fun...and J-Hud has performed that song several times in public - we know she can bring it.  But at least she got to redeem herself for the fashion disaster of 2007...an important rule to remember about Oscar dresses - pockets = comfort = probably not gonna work...just the way it is!  

CONFESSION:  I have never seen a James Bond - 007 movie.  Like ever.  Not a one.  And honestly?  Don't really care to.  So you will have to excuse my complete and utter disinterest in the "Salute to 007" - now if they had just shown some clips and got on with it, that would have been fine with me - a quick game of Candy Crush would hit the spot right about now anyway - but then they had to go and put on a musical performance from DAME Shirley Bassey:

That look on her face?  It is directly proportionate to the frightening "sick cat" screeches coming out of her throat - GOOOOOOOOOLLLLDDDD-FING-ERRRRRRRRRRR...my ears are now bleeding - thanks for that.  I am sorry DAME Shirley Bassey, but that song is just awful.  Of all the 007 theme songs, that's what they got?  How about For Your Eyes Only? Was Sheena Easton busy last night?  How about a little Duran Duran - A View To A Kill?  I am sure they were free...hell, Paul McCartney is like everywhere these days - can you say Live & Let Die?  But I digress...

PEOPLE.....PEOPLE WHO WEAR CHOKERS...And then Gypsy Rose Barbra came out - I am not obsessed with her they way most of the world seems to be...sorry!  Her voice is still like a cross between Fergie and Jesus (to quote Dale Doback of Stepbrothers)...but I just can't with her look.  I'm starting to think that she may be that girl Jane from that creepy story about The Yellow Ribbon - click this link  if you don't know what I am talking about...

WINNER WINNER CHICKEN DINNER...there were a few surprises this year - I must say, love me some Jennifer Lawrence, and loved Silver Linings Playbook, but I would not categorize it as Best Actress material.  She lucked out with lack of competition.  And we all know Anne Hathaway just won because she bought that book "Oscar Winning For Dummies", which clearly states than any ONE of the following will increase your Oscar odds:  1) lose or gain weight  2) bad haircut or prosthetic that diminishes your "Hollywood beauty" or 3) hooker with a heart of gold - talk about a trifecta!  All 5 Supporting Actor nominees were awesome, Daniel Day-Lewis was a lock...Argo was an amazing movie...but I was not happy that Ang Li won Best Director for the Tiger On A Boat flick...I fear that Spielberg was being punished for Ben Affleck NOT being nominated - not fair guys!  Lincoln was snubbed...that's my story and I'm sticking to it!

What's that? This is supposed to be a Fashion Recap? I almost forgot...

EDITOR'S NOTE:  The next time you wonder what it would be like to be rich and famous, please know this...if you have girlfriends in your life that will look at you and say "NO - NOT THE DRESS FOR YOU - SORRY MAMA" - then you are waaaaaayyyyy ahead of the game.  Because many of the ladies that I am about to go to town on obviously do NOT have these people in their lives.

BUCKLE UP...HERE WE GO!

OLIVIA MUNN - I don't care for this girl...she was the girl that showed her boobs (WE SAW YOUR BOOBS!) in the opening scene of Magic Mike...but I love this dress.  So much that I kind of wish that someone I like was wearing it...I know that's mean, but it's how I feel...did you see the name of my blog? CANDIDly Speaking...take it or leave it...of all the metallic horrors on the red carpet this evening, this dress did it right - metal as an ACCENT - over fabulous red satin - my favorite dress of the evening.

CATHERINE ZETA-JONES - There is always that one chick that thinks it's appropriate to dress like an Oscar for the big night (she was one of MANY tonight rocking metallic)...but damn if CZJ doesn't pull it off!  This is a stunning woman...she is at the top of my list based on those earrings alone...and I have always had a slight girl-crush on her, I must admit...

JENNIFER GARNER - Love her - love the color - love the cut - MOM OF THREE - looking good Mrs. Affleck!  I even like the necklace...she went to the same "messy with a part and wisps" stylist frequented by several other ladies tonight, and I am not in love with the hair, and maybe a little more color on the lip...but overall, nice job mama...

JENNIFER LAWRENCE - Can't say that I love it - wish it wasn't this pale color - has a little Barbie Bride aura to it - and it's just a whole lotta dress (see below) - the fit is beautiful on her shape, but it's a little too stuffy for my Katniss..but for a Best Actress winner (who knew?) - it will hold up over time in the history books I think ; )

KERRY WASHINGTON - I love this dress...love the color, love the blinginess of the bodice - could do without the bow, but I don't hate the bow...but I don't like her hair!  Now, let me just say that due to my INSANE obsession with SCANDAL (Thursday nights on ABC - you must watch it!), I am very up close and personal with Kerry on a weekly basis...and her hair always looks better than this...I know, minor detail, but it's part of the deal for me...

JENNIFER ANISTON - Jen's wearing red! On anyone else, I may have said the dress was a bit simple and nothing fabulous, but on my girl Jen (notorious for wearing 50 shades of black in her entire awards show history) - I AM LOVING IT! She looks happy, and that always makes a girl shine : )

STACEY KEIBLER - Besides Catherine Zeta-Jones-Douglas, this was the only metallic gown that I liked.  Especially the back! George Clooney's arm candy is looking pretty good this year...but Stace, we have a bit of a situation with that hairdo...I see where you were going - the dress has a little bit of a flapper vibe going on with the scallops...but instead of being complimentary, it just looks sort of matchy-matchy. And fugly.  Baby steps...

HELEN HUNT - So good to see you my dear...I have been a fan since The Quarterback Princess when you wiped the mud from your cheeks to go to the prom...you look marvelous.  And for those that think this dress is no big woop...guess where she got it?

 H & M...that's right bitches!  Bargain couture at its finest - and they donate a portion of the profits from their formal collection to some kind of environmental charity or something. BOOM!  Crunchy Granola Fabulous!

CHARLIZE THERON - What to say? My first thought was Brigitte Nielsen in Rocky IV...I can't lie...and it's eerily similar to Anne Hathaway's Globes dress I believe - I am just not a short hair person...Halle only please! Yeah, she's gorgeous and I know that she is sure to be a fave with the critics - The structure! The hair! But for me? Just eh.


ANNE HATHAWAY - OH HELL NO. #1 - Pink. Blech.  #2 - Is it cold on the red carpet or are your nipples just happy to see me?  #3 - You described your dress as being a "party in the back" - but guess what we see? The FRONT. And it's no party.  The hair - the necklace - all just not good.  But hey, congrats on that Oscar...


HALLE BERRY - I am not sure what to say.  The shoulders - bad.  The stripes - horrendous.  The color - boring.  The hair sucks too...either stay super-short or just break down and get the weave...it's a borderline mohawk.  This is supposed to be a "Bond Girl" style dress according to what she said on the Red Carpet...not feeling it.  Thinking she should have just worn the bikini from her own Bond Girl experience...she almost looks like Prince if you look really fast...and that is not a compliment.

JESSICA CHASTAIN - I was very unkind to you last month - I named you Worst Dressed at the Golden Globes...you deserved it, but I still felt a little bit bad.  So I am going to say that based on the epic fail of THAT night, this look is quite the improvement.  I still think your hair should be a little darker, but at least it's not a frizzfest tonight.  And the dress could be a little more in contrast to your flesh...but props to you for hiring a stylist with a clue this time around...you're learning!   

JANE FONDA - Did she decide to do the Bond Girl theme as well?  It's like 1980s Vanna White mixed with 1980s Krystal "Dynasty" Carrington - and it's like SUPER yellow.  Like School Bus-Banana-Canary yellow.  And I get the impression that if you were to scrape your fingernail down that cheek, you'd have a large portion of thick foundation under said fingernail.  This totally skeeves me out. 

NAOMI WATTS - Metallic Entry #746...I liked this dress for part of the night, then turned on it, then liked it again.  Now I guess I am having a LOVE/HATE relationship with it?  The boob situation looks a bit precarious - it's like I WANT to like it, but I can't push the words BATTLESTAR GALACTICA out of my head.  

REESE WITHERSPOON - As a rule, I am not a into royal blue - if it was ALL royal blue I might have liked it, but the black kills it for me - and the hairdo is WAY too pageant for me.  Maybe if the black was some sort of bling? Just not a good time.

LARA SPENCER - You know it's a bad night when you are including the pre-show commentator people in your Oscar Fashion Recap.  But Lara knocked it out of the park last night - great dress, perfect style for her, metallic but not METALLIC!!!! - LOVE the bangles - and the hair not only looks fantastic but it is the perfect style for the dress...ACES LARA!

RENEE ZELLWEGER - Was Renee wearing a dress? I was too focused on what was going on with her face to notice.  She is BANGED UP...that side view is frightening - the Madonna arms are not helping - I am all for fit and healthy, but the dress should enhance that, not make you look like you are 75% complete with your sex-change operations.  

NICOLE KIDMAN - Just one more example of Metallic Gone Bad. Very bad. Again, it's unfortunate that I hold her to a higher standard based on past home runs on the red carpet...but I do.  And this is not a home run...it's like a weak dribbler to the pitcher.  And as many times as I have harrassed her for wearing pasty, pale confections, this is just too heavy for her...and her hair looks like she went to her husband's stylist...

SANDRA BULLOCK - Scalloped metallic!  With a lace motif!  The only thing that could make metal worse would be combining it with lace and scallops.  And she seems to enjoy this style with the high neck and man shoulders thing going on - it is not flattering.  Either go sleeveless, or wear a sleeve.  And the hair is just droopy and weird.  There is a stunning hair brooch thingie, but it's tucked behind her ear in an extremely bizarre location that does nothing for either the brooch OR the hairstyle.  You're better than this Sandy.

ZOE SALDANA - She has a history of wearing split-personality dresses (see the Purple-People Eater Pop Pom dress from 2010 - (go ahead and Google it - I can't do everything for you people!) I am loving the top of this dress...but then you move down and it's all - WHAT'S GOING ON DOWN HERE?  WHO LET BLACK AND GREY IN TO THE PARTY?

SALMA HAYEK - What is that VELVET?  What's going on here?  She looks like she is being strangled - it's all very Spanish Cleopatra.  I don't know if she should be walking the red carpet or hanging on the wall in my Nana's basement.  The actual dress style, even with the choker action, would probably be stunning in a solid striking color in a gorgeous satin - like burgundy, red, emerald green, coral, charcoal grey, cerulean blue, purple, copper...I could go on...there is a whole RAINBOW of colors out there...PICK ONE!  PLEASE?

AMY ADAMS - It's not just the feathers.  It's the ABUNDANCE of feathers.  Every time they showed her sitting in the front row, I had to check and make sure Jack Nicholson was still there and not eaten by Amy's skirt.  When it looks like the dress is wearing you, that means it's just too much.  And I actually love the color, but not on you...please repeat after me...I, Amy Adams, am a pasty redhead, and therefore I should steer clear of dresses that blend with my pastiness and instead seek out stunning contrasts often found in the jewel tones category...and WHAT is with this hairdo tonight??? I am so over it.

KRISTEN STEWART - Am I the only one that sees this natural progression happening over the next 30 years?  Helena Bonham Carter-ville here you come...  

BEN AFFLECK - Shout out to you my man for an amazing acceptance speech - all of it - the reference to your first win 15 years ago - acknowledging that your career has had bumps in the road, and most of all, for admitting in front of a billion people that marriage is hard work - so much more refreshing than the fake "everything is perfection" that most of Hollywood tries to portray...you have come a long way, and it's wonderful to watch!  And BTDubs...Argo was amazeballs.

THE TATUMS - Cutest. Couple. Ever.

ROBIN ROBERTS - I am closing it out with you, Robin.  Not only are you an inspiration and the epitome of class and grace, but you are ROCKING that dress...congrats on kicking cancer's ass...

Until next year...   

Candi 

Commercial-ized

Super Bowl Sunday is here!

A sacred tradition in our country...more celebrated than many other, less exciting holidays on our calendar (Arbor Day Bash anyone?)...in fact, a petition was recently filed in Washington DC lobbying our government to declare the Monday AFTER the big game a national holiday...the irony of this being that many people that are partying on Super Bowl Sunday have little or no interest in the actual game.

If your team didn't make it past the first round of the playoffs, or even worse, your team's main rival DID make it - not a very enticing game for you.  If you don't even have a team and are not a fan of the game in general, the game is just background noise for the gluttonous display of eating and drinking going on outside of the HD box.

For many, the actual game also interferes with the musical performances...remember 2009 when Jennifer Hudson blew the roof off singing the Star-Stangled Banner in her first performance following the murders of her mother, brother and nephew? Well, if that wasn't emotional enough for you, this year she will be singing America The Beautiful with the chorus from the Sandy Hook Elementary School...and that's just during the pre-game.  Alicia Keys is singing the National Anthem, and we know all-too-well that Beyonce will be shaking her moneymaker during halftime.

But the most popular non-football event on SBS is the time between the plays...the commercials!  The amount of money, time and energy put into Super Bowl advertisements has become an industry in itself.   A recent survey confirms that 91% of consumers say they are as interested in watching the commercials as the game itself. 

This year's offerings run the gamut from the traditional (Budweiser's Clydesdales...again) to the non-traditional (a series of Tide ads featuring players from both the Ravens and the 49ers)...and of course, plenty of sex and silliness...Sports Illustrated swimsuit models eating fish sandwiches in bikinis on the beach being both sexy and silly I guess?  I have already picked my favorite (since we can now see actual previews of commercials - the joy of THAT INTERNET THING) - hands-down, Seth Rogen and Paul Rudd's Samsung Mobile ad - because sarcasm and wit have always been sexier to me than swimsuits and fish sandwiches.

I must admit that my house watches most of its TV on DVR, which (joyfully) negates commercials as a whole...but during those times that I am watching actual live TV, I do pay attention to ads...and what I have seen in terms of trends lately are FAR from sexy or silly...in fact, the state of commercials today in the non-Super Bowl environment can best be described as DISTURBING.

Candi's Least Favorite Non-Super Bowl Ad Trends:

1.  Dysfunctional Digestion...Is the entire frigging country bloated and constipated?  Whether it's Jamie Lee Curtis shilling her diarrhea yogurt or the endless glut of Fiber One products designed to "clean you out" - seriously?  It's enough to make me miss that old Pepto-Bismol spot where they sang that song - nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, diarrhea (cha cha cha) - one of the original "disturbing" ads that started this trend.

2.  The Side Effects Will Kill Ya...since the floodgates opened and tons of prescription meds were allowed to be shown on TV, we have been inundated with these bizarre commercials...women sitting in dark rooms suffering from depression...little kids staring longingly out the window to the yard they can't play in because of their crippling allergies...executives sitting at business lunches, unable to eat anything on the table due to their flaming esophagus issues...and then the sun comes out!  We have a pill for that!  Only problem is that this commercial is 60 seconds instead of 30 because it takes us an extra whole time slot to read the list of frightening and damaging side effects...we'll treat your depression, but you might suffer kidney damage!  But hey, you'll be the happiest, most well-adjusted patient in the dialysis clinic!  

3.  Insurance Overload - While some of them are actually slightly amusing and quite clever (example - the Allstate Mayhem commercials), my annoyance stems from the general overabundance of the insurance ads in general...Allstate (Mayhem AND the President from 24), Flo the Progressive Lady (I think she shoots 3 commercials per day), Farmers (We Are Farmers...bum ba-bum bum bum), The General (who apparently smokes 3 packs a day) - ENOUGH!  It's just overkill. 

4. Share The Wealth - Julia Roberts doesn't have enough money? She needs to do voice-overs for Progressive insurance? She is far from alone...stealing work from voice-over (starving) artists on a TV near you these days are George Clooney, Keifer Sutherland, Kevin Spacey, Gene Hackman, Jeff Bridges, Tim Allen, Dennis Leary, David Duchovny, John Goodman, Brad Pitt, Sean Connery...used to be that voice-overs were for the ugly people...can we go back to that please?     

5.  TMI Nation...by far, the single most disturbing trend is the over-sharing going on these days about menstruation and bowel movements.  These are just things that should not be discussed in any way, shape or form.  Period.  Speaking of period, I don't need to see all these chicks dancing in da club, secure in the fact that their tampons won't leak on their slutty white minidresses...nor do I care about the girl in the white string bikini enjoying the pool (and even the diving board!) for the same reason.  Are there this many people having these types of accidents? Do they have mothers or friends? And don't even get me started on the toilet paper commercials...Enjoy the go? For real?  I need to see a commercial about women "getting real" and lamenting the fact that their toilet paper is ripping when they wipe their ass?  CUT YOUR NAILS.  LAY OFF THE ACTIVIA.  AND SHUT UP.
 
I guess I should just be thankful that these types of ads are not "flashy" enough to be part of the Super Bowl rotation.  Because if that happens, get ready to watch Julia Roberts complaining about how her constipation issues lead to her needing stronger toilet paper and a prescription for Cymbalta in order to deal with it.