As you know, I don't watch these shows for the award results - you may or not know, but the Hollywood Foreign Press Association is made up of less than 100 people - I believe only about 75 are able to vote - so forgive me for not giving a flying fig what a bunch of foreign journalists think - this is the explanation for Argo beating Lincoln.
Tina & Amy were fabulous - they just weren't on enough! Compared to Ricky Gervais, I'll take the ladies...Ricky had to rely on shocking insults to get a laugh - Tina & Amy know how to zing only the people that EVERYONE loves to mock (i.e. James Cameron), which makes it funny instead of just mean (though Tina's comment to Taylor Swift to stay away from Michael J. Fox's son was right on the border - but I laughed out loud)...
As for the "presenters" - can someone please figure out how to fix this situation? Can we just ask the people with brains to participate and confine the rest of them to the red carpet and audience only? If you can't memorize two silly lines about "5 incredible performances" without reading it off the Teleprompter, you really don't belong up on the stage. I always find it interesting how the TV people are much better at the ad-libbing than the movie people - not surprising since they memorize pages of stuff in the time that the "movie stars" film one 10-second scene...
This does NOT include Kristen Wiig and Will Ferrell - they came out doing the Taylor Swift "I'm So Shocked!" Face that Kristen perfected on SNL and then mocked the presenting process by claiming to have watched the nominated films in their category (while they clearly did not) - as with most SNL-related bits, it went on a bit long, but how can you not LOVE a skit that produces this classic reaction from old craggleface (when they had the nerve to mock Meryl Streep)...
Lighten up T-Bone! Your life is not that bad...
Time for the frocks...
My Nashville Ladies! Love them! Hayden Panetierre (on the left) wins my overall Best Dressed Award for last night's festivities - in a different situation, I might not look twice at that dress - nothing really new, but she rocks it because it is the perfect fit for her shape, her hair and make-up look gorgeous and her pink clutch adds just the right amount of age-appropriate sassiness...as opposed to these young girls that find it necessary to dress like hags before their time (Amanda Seyfried, I am coming for you in just a few moments, my dear...) - and Connie Britton is just one of my faves in general - her dress is nothing spectacular, but at least her boobs look to be in the appropriate location on her body (oh yes Jennifer Lawrence - you are also on my hit list).
SMASHING...SORT OF? The Ladies of Smash were a mixed bag...I liked all three of them, but didn't LOVE them...black = BOOOOOOOOORING! Debra Messing is still recovering from scarf-gate, so I guess she just wanted to expose her neck as much as possible...but when you have hair like hers, it should be big and on display! And redheads can wear soooo many amazing colors - why black? And there may be a bit of a theatre curtain thing going on with that skirt - hard to tell because it is BLACK. Katharine McPhee was one of many of the evening's "Flaunt What You Don't Got" crew with the whole "little boy" cleavage thing, but hers looks better than most...I like her dress the most out of these three...Megan Hilty - you look great, but if that dress was in a different and more exciting color, you would have POPPED my dear...red is just not what it used to be...it's been done - to DEATH!
VA-VA-VA-VOOM...I can take points off of Sofia Vergara for wearing black...but that's really nitpicking when you are rocking that body...one of my favorite things about her is that she always looks comfortable - she may not FEEL it, but she looks it...and Jessica Alba - what can I say? You are stunning - I am not in love with your Orange Crush lipstick, but other than that, perfection - fits like a glove.
Crazy Like A Fox-Green...or is it Megan Fox Austin-Green? Either way, it helps to soothe my anger at your insane beauty (not to mention post-baby body, you bitch) to know that you are married to David Silver...and that you are taking husband hand-me-downs from Tiffani Amber-Thiessen and Vanessa Marcil (aka the Megan Foxes of the 1990s)...P.S. Your dress is boring.
Dear Kristen Bell: You look totes adorbs in your pretty maternity gown - I still don't really understand how you and that goofball Dax Sheppard wound up having a baby together, but I am sure there is another whole side of him that I don't know about (?)...just as a courtesy to you, I want you to be aware now of the two paths this can go:
On the left, we have Claire Danes. Claire Danes pushed out a baby 27 days ago. Yes, that says 27 days.
On the right, you will see Adele. Adele's baby was born on October 20th. That's 3 months ago.
Adele is a normal person, exhibiting the normal amount of post-baby bloating in the belly region common to childbirth, and going with the flowy black ensemble that is most common in the closets of new moms...
Claire Danes is obviously a Fembot.
The choice is yours.
Glenn Close - Glenn, I have been rough on you in the past - constantly calling you "mannish" and "matronly", sometimes in the same fashion review. But you look lovely tonight my dear - instead of looking like you are wearing your husband's tux jacket over your gown, the style and cut of this dress are perfect for you...and your hair looks less severe (aka Fatal Attraction crazy) than it has been looking the past few outings - Bravo! However, based on your participation in the little "drunk Glenn Close" routine with Tina & Amy, drama is most definitely your forte my dear...stick with what you know.
Jodie Foster (recipient of the Cecile B. DeMille Award) - since you traditionally tend to go the "Glenn Close" route in your fashion choices (sorry Glenn...too soon?) - I am very pleasantly surprised by this little ditty! I would love to see you spice up your bob a little, but for 50 years old, you are looking pretty good...now we need to talk about your peeps. Mel Gibson and Robert Downey Jr. are like your two closest BFFs...that's a lot of cray cray in one posse girlfriend...and I just don't see Mel being very open to the whole "my sons have two mommies" thing you have going on there - maybe I'm wrong - he looked quite perplexed during your speech last night - did he KNOW that you were gay?
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Taylor Swift - I actually love the dress...but I hate the hair and the puss - you are never fully dressed without a smile Taylor...I find it comical that the reporters called this your "revenge" dress since you are like 12 and all your little boy crushes are nothing more than that...I dig your songs - it seems that there are a lot of people out there Taylor-hating, and I just want to say that as a mother of a little girl, I much prefer your lyrics and what they represent to young girls than most of the other crappy pop music out there...just please don't go back to that whole "WALL OF CURLS" thing you had going on in front of your one eye for the past few years - it was just distracting...try not to find the red lipstick either...
Jennifer Lawrence - I LOVE/HATE this look...love the color, love the belt, love the silhouette, love the accessories and the hair...HATE THE BOOBAGE - SHELF CITY - it looks like you are actually flat-chested and decided to jam a couple of lemons in there, but you jammed them about 3 inches too low - if this dress had just been tight around the bust (without the boob definition) it may have been my favorite of the night...so close Jennifer! But I heart you as Katniss xoxo
Kate Hudson - Another LOVE/HATE for me...you know I am not a fan of black (but I would much rather see pasty blonde Kate in black than white or cream, two of her faves) - the waist embellishment is cool - the peephole cleave is cool because I don't see any folds or anything - it's the neck - every time I look at it I see jeweled dog collar - and while her hair looks amazing, I'm not sure if it's working with the dog collar...but I LOVE more than I HATE...but I DO have to say that if I find out at a later date that this dress came out of Goldie's closet, I reserve the right to change my mind and declare it eternally fabulous!
Halle Berry - Hmmmm - awful lot of stuff going on here - I think my biggest issue with Miss Berry is that the dress she wore when she won Best Actress a few years back is literally in my Top 3 faves of ALL TIME, so I am very harsh on her subsequent choices...having said that, it's just a bit much for me...you are one of the few chicks that I am willing to accept the short hairdo on, but the spikes - not so much - and put your leg away - it was stupid when Angelina did it and it's still stupid.
Amanda Seyfried - Just why? I don't understand why these young girls choose to wear curtains and bedspreads and tablecloths from the Grandma Rose Collection to events like this...what is that stick thing across the top? Is that like a modesty bar to keep the boob area concealed? Because this dress was made in 1764? Or are you paying homage to the whole French Revolution thing by wearing something that looks like it survived that time? Just yuck...that is all.
Amy Adams - I cannot with this look. I can't deal with the fleshtone situation - I can't even tell you what type of neckline this thing has because it is the exact color of her skin - like pasty camouflage. It's like a fleshy, chiffony, tulley nightmare...and bt dubs - your hair is ugly. It's not "1920s" chic - it's just ugly. Because it's 2013.
Julianne Moore - You drive me crazy. I always want to like you, but something always goes awry...I am not a fan of the dress (mainly because I am not a fan of the "mod" look - especially in black and white), but Julianne - THE HAIR! It doesn't even look that bad in this photo, but on my TV it looked like you got a bad French Twist at the corner old-bitty salon! You are a gorgeous redhead with flawless skin - explore the jewel tones - maybe some soft waves...hire a stylist...something...
Kristen Wiig - I can see your boob fold. You killed it right there. You are not Jennifer Aniston. That is all.
Sienna Miller - On what planet could one possibly think that this was a pretty dress? I don't even know what to say about it - it looks like it has chenille pom poms on it - you also have been quite the rock star at many an event...let's get our shit together before the Oscars please...this is an epic fail.
Jennifer Lopez - This is a Doily Disaster. We are no longer falling for that whole "FLESH COLOR? OR IS IT HER ACTUAL SKIN???" routine anymore. You are here with a dancer dude named Casper...in a room with Ben Affleck and P Diddy - what was worse? The emotional discomfort? Or the itchy monstrosity discomfort? Just curious. Your hair looks amaze-balls...that I will give you.
Miss Lucy had a garden
She wore it to the show
Whatever could possess her
We may never know...
Taking fugliness to new heights - 1st runner up in the Worst Dressed Category...Lucy Liu.
YIKES.
I am not sure if she has a stylist, but I implore her to hire one before attending the Oscars - not only is that dress incredibly hideous and draped in all the wrong places, the color is doing her no favors and her hair is an insult to hair. The push-back - the part - what the f*ck?
Best part ever - look at the face on the lady walking behind her...SAYS IT ALL.
YUCK.
KELLY OSBOURNE & GIULIANA RANCIC - A special "Who the HELL are you to judge?" award to these two twits - they are in no way, shape or form qualified to judge fashion...Between the purple hair and the mint green dress, Kelly looks like a frigging Easter egg - and why is the bottom piece of her dress attached like a stiff weird thing at the bottom? It looks photo-shopped! And if she doesn't learn any new words besides INCREDIBLE and AMAZING I am dead-serious going to mail her a dictionary...
And the other one - Jesus Christ that is the ugliest dress I have ever seen - she wins the Tilda Swinton Award hands-down - it's like Dolly Parton without the boobs! Grand Ole Opry Horror Show!!!! I CAN'T!
It's been fun! See you after the Oscars xoxo
