Last month I took my first business trip in quite some time...before I was a stay-at-home Mommy for 5 years, I was a frequent business traveller...it was something I most certainly did NOT miss about my old job! It wasn't the trips so much as the air travel experience. All of it - weird limo drivers at the crack of dawn, airport ridiculousness, the airplane itself...and all the complete idiots I found myself surrounded by at every turn. No, I'm not being mean - there is apparently an entire secret society of humans out there that turn into incompetent asshats when they travel by plane.
These asshats can be classified in one (or more) of the following ways:
The Rule-Breakers - probably the most annoying - they are a lock for attempting to bring their entire life's posessions on as carry-on baggage...they feign stupidity during the "zone" call while boarding and board first (how else would they get to occupy 3 overhead compartments for all their crap)...and then they talk on their cell phones or type on their laptops until the landing gear comes up...No jerk-off, they didn't mean YOU! YOU are SPECIAL!
The Human Hold-Ups - there was this little incident a few years back that we refer to as 9-11...you must have missed that whole thing about "increased security" maybe? Oh, you HAVE heard? I just assumed that you were living under a rock since 2004 because you don't have your frigging ID out AND you chose to wear the entire contents of your jewelry box on your person - I am SO enjoying standing here barefoot waiting for you to de-bling yourself for the metal detectors. Thanks for that!
The Lollygaggers - related to the Line-Killers, but in their own category - usually travel in a pack (an extended family, a group of students) - bound to be spread out about 5 across (you can't pass them) and not at all in a rush...oblivious to those of us around them that would rather not treat the terminal like a Sunday stroll in the park. Can we move it along please?
The Hurry Up & Waiters - the complete OPPOSITE of The Lollies - they are going 100 mph at all checkpoints - breathing down your neck on the security line (some personal space please?)...power-walking, even on the moving walkways, rushing their asses off to get to the gate 1 hour early...and wait. Jumping up to board, even when their zone is 5 announcements away...Springing out of their seats when the plane lands to get a prime spot in the aisle directly next to their goddamn seat and wait 12 minutes for the crew to hook up the plane to the walkway and open the door...and then full-on sprinting to the baggage area, at least 10 minutes before the bag arrives and frantically looking at EVERY SINGLE NAME TAG as if they have no fucking clue what their luggage looks like. Take a valium please.
The Make-Yourself-At-Homers - I don't consider myself a germophobe, but carrying the pillow from your bedroom through an airport and then lying on it at the gate while waiting to board is just a little bit much for me...and thank you for removing your shoes...it makes me feel better to know that you are as comfortable as possible. Feel free to lose the bra if it makes your flying experience more enjoyable...
The Help - possibly the most unpleasant of all the groups - the actual employees of the airports and airlines...pick a spot - the airline counter (grumpy), the restaurants (turtle slow), the bathroom attendants (just creepy) and WHOA-BOY the airplane attendants (fka stewardesses and male stewardesses)...when I flew back in the day, they had a certain decorum that bordered on manic joy - so helpful, bending over backwards to make the flight enjoyable...well, times have changed...on a recent flight to Chicago, I asked a female attendant if she could help me get my bag into the overhead (because I am short and I have T-Rex arms) - her response: "Well, you are going to have to help yourself - I'm not allowed to touch anything because I could get hurt - that's not in my job description"...I shit you not - I thought she was kidding! Thanks for nothing!
And not in their own categories because their rudeness cannot be contained within the boundaries of an airport - in no particular order - the loud talkers - the snot-snorters - the open-mouth chewers - the perfume-bathers - the litterbugs...and, of course, the smelly people.
Whatever happened to flying the friendly skies?
Saturday, August 25, 2012
Friday, August 3, 2012
Olympic Annoyances...
USA! USA! USA!
As is always the case, I am totally caught up in the Olympic games...the drama, the competition, the personal interest stories, the guts, the glory...during the summer months when my DVR has cobwebs, the Olympics are a welcome respite from my 837th Kardashian marathon. But, as with all things, there are always a few things that irk, disturb, vex and perturb me...in no particular order...
Fly Me To The Moon?
Why in GOD'S name are these girls dressed like astronauts from the future? When did red, white and blue morph into grey, black and lime? I would rather see them up there in their sparkly leotards then in these gruesome get-ups. Look at the Magnificent 7 from 1996 - that photo says "USA" - the one from 2012 says TAKE US TO YOUR LEADER. These warm-ups are the ugliest thing I have ever seen...I mean GREY? The jacket is the color of concrete - even silver would have been better - and the sneakers are just stupid. Why would they NOT
wear red, white and blue? Even those purply leotards that they wore on Qualifiers night annoyed me...there are endless combinations of style that can be created with red, white and blue - especially when you bring silver into it. But not grey. And not lime. For God's sake, it's the Olympic Games, not the Hunger Games! HORRENDOUS!
And have no advances been made in the world of gymnastical hair?? The scrunchies are bad enough - add to that the barrettes that I wore in my 5th grade grammar school photo and this is truly a recipe for disaster. Are there no hairstylists that would accept a free trip to London in order to groom these poor girls? Don't even get me started on the make-up - that Russian chick's face got gang-banged by liquid eyeliner and rainbow glitter...the juxtaposition of the heavy make-up and severe hairlines with their squeaky little-girl voices is jarring, to say the least. It's almost like they have to rebel against the fact that their diet and exercise routines give them the bodies of 11-year olds by whoring themselves into oblivion from the neck up! Must they be full-body bitch-slapped with a glitter stick before going out on the mats? I CAN'T WITH THIS.
Hip-Hip-Beret...
The US Team Official Uniforms - Opening Ceremonies - Much ado has been made about the fact that they were manufactured in China - you know what? I am thinking we should be GLAD they were not made here at home. For real? This is the best we can do with this? The women look like they are walking in the city to catch the bus with their ill-fitting skirts and sneaks...the men are wearing white pants. WHITE PANTS. Ralph Lauren does not design clothes that reflect this nation - he designs clothes for people that summer on Martha's Vineyard and attend galas during the holiday season. The only people that look good in his ensembles are the 6-foot waifs he uses in his print ads - I mean, these are Olympic athletes and they look like a bunch of Frumpy McFrumpersons walking in a 4th of July parade on Chappaquidick Island. Germany looked better than us. GERMANY.
OH SHUTTLECOCK!
There was a scandal in badminton. Yes, I said badminton. If you ask me, the scandal is why in the HELL badminton is an Olympic sport at all...it is like the summer's answer to curling. I would rather see darts, bowling, baseball, softball (yes, they got rid of freaking baseball and softball, but kept badminton) or possibly even flip-cup before I would choose to watch badminton.
HE SAID...HE SAID
What Ryan Says:
"Me & Mike? Oh yeah, we're friends...we make each other better swimmers...we push each other to strive for the best..."
What Ryan Means: When is this Motherfucker gonna stay the hell home and let me be the man? I mean how many medals does one dude need? I hate him with the light of a thousand suns...I should have laced his frigging Subway Breakfast Sandwich with Ex-Lax and HGH...friends my ass...
They've Got Balls...
Hi! We're the US Women's Olympic Volleyball Team! Since they only show our matches at 4:32 am Eastern Standard Time, we decided to create some excitement around ourselves by posing naked in the hopes that more people would take interest in our poor, neglected sport. Oh, hell, who are we kidding? We just didn't want to pose in those horrific Team Uniforms from Ralph Lauren...
SEACREST...OUT!
The irk of all irks has got to be this toolbag Ryan Seacrest having any part of the Olympic Games. Is nothing sacred? Poor Dick Clark must be rolling over in his grave...doesn't he have enough jobs? Give someone else a chance...it is quite obvious that SPORTS is not the forte of Ryan Seacrest...if you need any proof beyond his metrosexual grooming habits, check out his high school picture...Wait! Let's pose him in "Olympic" situations! They will totally buy it!
I'm not trying to be mean - but when is enough enough with this guy? He has American Idol, he has radio shows, he has Julianne Hough as his live-in girlfriend, he has the New Year's Eve Specials on ABC, he OWNS the Kardashian shows - yes, owns them - Seacrest Productions is turning into a major media conglomerate - he even bought Ellen DeGeneres' 50 million dollar mansion...
Did you know that there was a specially-choreographed piece honoring those who died in a 2005 London terrorist attack that was left out of the Opening Ceremonies broadcast in the United States? NBC chose to show Toolbag's interview with Michael Phelps and his family instead. Thanks NBC! I would much rather watch the zillionth puff piece on Michael Phelps instead of actually learning something historical. I didn't know that he had ADD as a child! They have NEVER mentioned that before! That Ryan - he really knows how to dig deep.
And to think, it's only halfway over...
As is always the case, I am totally caught up in the Olympic games...the drama, the competition, the personal interest stories, the guts, the glory...during the summer months when my DVR has cobwebs, the Olympics are a welcome respite from my 837th Kardashian marathon. But, as with all things, there are always a few things that irk, disturb, vex and perturb me...in no particular order...
Why in GOD'S name are these girls dressed like astronauts from the future? When did red, white and blue morph into grey, black and lime? I would rather see them up there in their sparkly leotards then in these gruesome get-ups. Look at the Magnificent 7 from 1996 - that photo says "USA" - the one from 2012 says TAKE US TO YOUR LEADER. These warm-ups are the ugliest thing I have ever seen...I mean GREY? The jacket is the color of concrete - even silver would have been better - and the sneakers are just stupid. Why would they NOT
Hip-Hip-Beret...
The US Team Official Uniforms - Opening Ceremonies - Much ado has been made about the fact that they were manufactured in China - you know what? I am thinking we should be GLAD they were not made here at home. For real? This is the best we can do with this? The women look like they are walking in the city to catch the bus with their ill-fitting skirts and sneaks...the men are wearing white pants. WHITE PANTS. Ralph Lauren does not design clothes that reflect this nation - he designs clothes for people that summer on Martha's Vineyard and attend galas during the holiday season. The only people that look good in his ensembles are the 6-foot waifs he uses in his print ads - I mean, these are Olympic athletes and they look like a bunch of Frumpy McFrumpersons walking in a 4th of July parade on Chappaquidick Island. Germany looked better than us. GERMANY.
OH SHUTTLECOCK!
There was a scandal in badminton. Yes, I said badminton. If you ask me, the scandal is why in the HELL badminton is an Olympic sport at all...it is like the summer's answer to curling. I would rather see darts, bowling, baseball, softball (yes, they got rid of freaking baseball and softball, but kept badminton) or possibly even flip-cup before I would choose to watch badminton.
HE SAID...HE SAID
What Ryan Says:
"Me & Mike? Oh yeah, we're friends...we make each other better swimmers...we push each other to strive for the best..."
What Ryan Means: When is this Motherfucker gonna stay the hell home and let me be the man? I mean how many medals does one dude need? I hate him with the light of a thousand suns...I should have laced his frigging Subway Breakfast Sandwich with Ex-Lax and HGH...friends my ass...
Hi! We're the US Women's Olympic Volleyball Team! Since they only show our matches at 4:32 am Eastern Standard Time, we decided to create some excitement around ourselves by posing naked in the hopes that more people would take interest in our poor, neglected sport. Oh, hell, who are we kidding? We just didn't want to pose in those horrific Team Uniforms from Ralph Lauren...
SEACREST...OUT!
 |
| SEACREST = TOOL |
I'm not trying to be mean - but when is enough enough with this guy? He has American Idol, he has radio shows, he has Julianne Hough as his live-in girlfriend, he has the New Year's Eve Specials on ABC, he OWNS the Kardashian shows - yes, owns them - Seacrest Productions is turning into a major media conglomerate - he even bought Ellen DeGeneres' 50 million dollar mansion...
Did you know that there was a specially-choreographed piece honoring those who died in a 2005 London terrorist attack that was left out of the Opening Ceremonies broadcast in the United States? NBC chose to show Toolbag's interview with Michael Phelps and his family instead. Thanks NBC! I would much rather watch the zillionth puff piece on Michael Phelps instead of actually learning something historical. I didn't know that he had ADD as a child! They have NEVER mentioned that before! That Ryan - he really knows how to dig deep.
And to think, it's only halfway over...
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
Vacation? All You Never Wanted *
Warning: If you don't have children, you may not relate to this piece. If you are planning to have children, you may want to file it away in your "parent" brain for future reference...
The family vacation. That one week each year where we can leave the cares of the world behind. It's what we wait for, work for, dream about...
Now I am not talking about Disney or a Caribbean island, or a place so different from home that you can actually fool the kids into thinking that you are not their personal slave for the week. Oh no - I am talking the reasonably-priced, old-school family vacation here - the beach bungalow, the RV, the cabin, maybe even a hotel, but nothing too luxurious...the kind of place that comes with a (shudder) kitchen and everything!
Sounds great when you are planning..."Honey, we can save money by eating breakfast and lunch in the room and just going out to dinner!" How did he ever talk me into that one?
Breakfast + Lunch = DISHES (which are not part of ANY vacation in my mind)
Think about it - it's not really a vacation; it's more like a re-location.
You pack up your whole life (and 352 toys) and drive it a few hundred miles away, only to unpack it in a different space. Meals and dishes aside, there are also beds to be made, wet towels to be picked up off the floor - damn, even the kids still need to be bathed when they are on vacation!
Don't bother packing that new book you bought in a delusional state at the drug store before you left - fat chance you'll be opening up that baby!
Somewhere around day 3 you realize that you have essentially paid someone a great deal of money for the privilege of doing your daily chores in a different location - most likely smaller and with less televisions and/or channels.
And there's a good chance that you and the spouse will spend your hours shooting daggers at each other while you silently argue over who is going to chase the 2-year old around the pool for the afternoon - GOOD TIMES!
At the end of the week, all the same stuff (plus several annoying stuffed items and soon-to-be-garbage souvenirs) go back into the car for the long trip home. Time for laundry! Woo Hoo!
My advice to those of you that have not attempted this before - skip vacation for a few years and save your money for Disney - blow it all on the Mouse!
* title borrowed (with a twist) from the Go-Go's - without permission!
Now I am not talking about Disney or a Caribbean island, or a place so different from home that you can actually fool the kids into thinking that you are not their personal slave for the week. Oh no - I am talking the reasonably-priced, old-school family vacation here - the beach bungalow, the RV, the cabin, maybe even a hotel, but nothing too luxurious...the kind of place that comes with a (shudder) kitchen and everything!
Sounds great when you are planning..."Honey, we can save money by eating breakfast and lunch in the room and just going out to dinner!" How did he ever talk me into that one?
Breakfast + Lunch = DISHES (which are not part of ANY vacation in my mind)
Think about it - it's not really a vacation; it's more like a re-location.
You pack up your whole life (and 352 toys) and drive it a few hundred miles away, only to unpack it in a different space. Meals and dishes aside, there are also beds to be made, wet towels to be picked up off the floor - damn, even the kids still need to be bathed when they are on vacation!
Don't bother packing that new book you bought in a delusional state at the drug store before you left - fat chance you'll be opening up that baby!
Somewhere around day 3 you realize that you have essentially paid someone a great deal of money for the privilege of doing your daily chores in a different location - most likely smaller and with less televisions and/or channels.
And there's a good chance that you and the spouse will spend your hours shooting daggers at each other while you silently argue over who is going to chase the 2-year old around the pool for the afternoon - GOOD TIMES!
At the end of the week, all the same stuff (plus several annoying stuffed items and soon-to-be-garbage souvenirs) go back into the car for the long trip home. Time for laundry! Woo Hoo!
My advice to those of you that have not attempted this before - skip vacation for a few years and save your money for Disney - blow it all on the Mouse!
* title borrowed (with a twist) from the Go-Go's - without permission!
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