Peter J. Punzo...April 6, 1970 - March 17, 2016

Our Friend PJ

Yesterday, our friend PJ was laid to rest. I had the privilege of speaking about him at the repast...and I wanted to share that speech with those who knew him and were unable to be there.   

It was Abraham Lincoln who once said “In the end, it’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years.” I have never known, and I can’t imagine that I will ever know, a person who more perfectly embodies that sentiment than PJ.

I first met PJ in 1984 during our freshman year at Saddle Brook High School – we ran against each other for Class President in the first weeks of school. I heard about him before I met him. One afternoon I was standing in the hallway, and I said to a few of my friends “Who is this Peter Punzo kid?” and I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned around and he said “I am Peter Punzo and I am going to kick your ass in this election.” He was shorter than me – such a scrawny little thing – but he clearly had the confidence of a man three times his size. I went on to beat him by 67 votes – and so began over 30 years of us driving each other crazy.  I didn’t know that day…I COULDN’T have known that day…that he would become my husband’s best friend...that he would be the Best Man at our wedding…that he would be Uncle PJ to our three kids.

"Shiny clothes" - Best Dressed - Class of 1988 

But even in our high school days, it became obvious to all of us that he was cut from a different cloth. He was like a 40-year old man stuck inside a 16-year old body (this was back when we thought 40 was old, of course). He favored shiny clothes and wore big jewels. He talked about wanting a Cadillac when the rest of us were driving Camaros and Mustangs.  He drank liquor from a glass when the other guys drank beer from a bottle. He hunted and fished while the rest of them played sports. And even though my husband, and all of the other guys in their circle didn’t share his passion for outdoor activities or the finer things in life, they still saw what was beneath all of that – a guy with an amazing sense of humor and a really big heart. He was simply their friend.

Since Thursday, we have all heard the same comments - “he was one of a kind” – “he was a real character” – “there was no one else like PJ” – “he was a crazy sonofabitch” - whether people knew him a little or a lot – the sentiment is always the same.  The world has lost a unique and special person.

Our Best Man being a goof during pictures

PJ was so many different things to such a variety of people.  He was a son, a little brother, the cool uncle, a hunting companion, a poker buddy, a co-worker, a friend. He was “UNCLE PJ” not only to his actual nieces and nephews, who he loved so, so much - but to many other kids, including my three. He taught my oldest inappropriate songs and encouraged him to bust our chops whenever possible – but he also bought him his first real BB gun and gave him a lesson and a lecture about how to use it responsibly. He spoiled all of our kids at Christmas and on their birthdays and took great pride in walking in with the biggest box and seeing them smile.  So many children were blessed to have an Uncle PJ in their lives.    

He was a jokester, a buster, a prankster. Not your run-of-the-mill type pranks, he planned elaborate schemes that took time, effort and patience. His victims never knew WHEN it was coming, but he would drop just enough clues to scare you and keep you on the edge. My husband was a recurring victim (and sometimes co-conspirator) – but he was not alone. I am sure there are many with a story or two to share.

He was a gambler. And it didn’t matter if it was an Atlantic City casino, a smoky poker game at a friend’s house or a Bingo Hall – if it involved betting, he was in.  If he won $10 or $10,000, the joy he felt was the same. He got a thrill out of the game, no matter what the stakes were. 

"Officer" Punzo

PJ never met a deal he didn’t take. No, I’m not talking about cards anymore. I’m talking about bargains, discounts, buy one get one frees…I never once stopped at his house without him sharing his latest “steals” with me – “Look at this – I got this for 50% off – you can’t beat that!” And many times, it was not even something he needed in his life…he would give the stuff away. It was closing the deal that made him happy.   

With his faithful companion Dusty...

He kept a virtual petting zoo in his backyard…his love for animals was on par with his love for expensive cologne and fancy cigarette lighters. Some of his pets even made the papers…Holly the Deer was practically a celebrity here in town. He also lent his animals to town events like the annual Easter Egg Hunt, which he helped organize for many years as a member of Saddle Brook’s Community Projects and Activities Committee. In fact, they held that event this past Saturday. As I stood in line with my daughter for the Easter Bunny, the woman behind me said “I liked it better when they used to have the animals and the petting zoo…” and I smiled to myself, knowing that PJ was the one that always made that happen.    

He loved to laugh. I know he shared my husband’s obsession with The Odd Couple and The Honeymooners…they would quote them in conversation regularly. Even more than himself, he liked to make others laugh. He embraced the fact that he was larger than life and that he had people thinking “What will PJ do next?”  He wore the craziest costume to the party and the most colorful suit to the wedding.

The "Cross-Dress" Party - is that PJ or Joan Rivers?

Years from now, if you were to ask me what I remembered most about PJ – I could bring up the funny stories, remember the laughs, and tell you that he was a trusted and loyal friend of my husband’s and my own friendly nemesis…but those things are really about us. What I will remember most about HIM is that he lived life on his own terms. Diagnosed with diabetes in his early 20s, he made a decision right away that he was going to live the life he wanted to live, regardless of any diagnosis. He never apologized for that – he never swayed from his own convictions - he lived a life without regrets. And there are not too many people that can say that at the end of the day.

We will miss him. We will miss his humor, but more than that we will miss his heart. He is gone in body, but his spirit remains. He left his mark on all of us…and it’s impossible to forget someone who gave you so much to remember.   

Thank you for being a good friend to my husband for over 30 years.

The Journey Takes A Turn...

I write this post with a heavy heart but with a renewed sense of purpose as we embark on a new phase of our journey with autism.

After six years, I am saddened to say that Laps For Luke will not be participating in the 2015 Walk Now For Autism Speaks event.

Before I go any further, I want to tell you that there are no words for how appreciative our family is for the love and support we have received from everyone in our life.  I will forever be proud to say that our team raised over $100,000 in the past 6 years - a feat that never would have occurred if not for this love and support - and the various team members that worked tirelessly to raise money.  More important than the money was the awareness we raised along the way...I will forever hold in my heart the vision of red shirts walking for my little boy. We are well aware of our immense blessings.  And this feeling is one that makes this decision so very hard to make.

First and foremost, I am just tired.  It takes a lot of time and energy to be the captain of this team. While it has always made me proud and made me feel like I am doing something important for the autism community, I had to take a long hard look at my own home and family and realize that often times they were coming in second place to fundraising for a few months out of every year.  There was a piece of me that believed that if I just focused on doing good things that the good karma would be returned to me by way of Luke.  But I am sad to tell you that he is not showing the improvements we have hoped for.  He is getting older, and stronger, and more difficult to manage.  Other areas of our life are being affected - time and money are two things we just do not have enough of. It's that simple.  And I am sharing this with all of you because you deserve to know the full story behind this decision.  For the sake of my family, my marriage, my home, my other two kids, and my Luke, I need to put my 100% focus on them for a while and see if I can turn some stuff around.

The Walk has been such an important thing to so many people in my life, and again - being honest, that's part of the reason I stuck around as long as I did. The community involvement, the generosity of friends and family that makes them feel like they are helping me in some way...this all combines to make it one of the most difficult decisions I have ever made. To have strangers stop and knock on our door to offer donations...to have young girls selling lemonade and handing us the proceeds, to have a little girl give us a donation out of her own Communion gifts...there is no way to fully acknowledge the ways that our hearts have been touched.

I do have some fundamental differences with Autism Speaks and what they support and spend money on - I cannot truly say that their beliefs on autism line up with Luke's version of autism and what he needs/will need for the rest of his life.  Regardless of that, I one million percent believe that they are helping large quantities of people in this community - even if their methodologies don't jive with my own, I have never felt that I was raising the money for LUKE - my efforts were for all of the kids affected by autism - low and high functioning and everything in between.  I raised money for the kids that have yet to be born - to find answers where there are none.

2012 - The "Wheelchair" Walk

Having said that, I feel strongly that I need to make a true attempt at the special diet and unconventional therapies that I have seen work for so many others in giving their child a better life.  I am aware that they may not work for Luke - but if there is a chance that his life can be easier for him than it is right now - I have to take that chance. He will be 10 years old this year - he is in diapers, he is nonverbal, and I believe that he lives a lot of his life in physical pain - and it breaks my heart every moment of every day.  Taking this chance requires lots of time, energy and money - I have none of these three right now - but I need to do whatever I can to find all three - and taking a step back from commitments like the Walk (as well as serving on the Walk Committee) is one of those necessities that has to happen to achieve this.

2013 - Too Wet For Team Picture

I want to make it extremely clear that just because we will no longer do the Walk does not mean that I will EVER stop advocating for my boy and the autism community.  There is no end to that.  While I did not choose autism (it chose me), I will continue to embrace it as my passion in terms of seeking out answers, sharing information and staying involved.  While there are those who will say that we have "enough awareness" I do not believe this to be true.  Awareness means different things to different people. When I tell a stranger that my son has autism, and the response is something like "Wow, what is his special talent?" - I know that the awareness is not where it needs to be. This is the biggest challenge in the autism community - the "spectrum" is so vast and spread out - different kids needing different things - it is almost impossible to believe that real progress will ever be made.  But that will not stop me.



So while this part of our journey ends, we go on.  We do so knowing that we have the continued love and support from so many - and there are no words to convey the importance of that.  There are days that are just so hard...we are blessed to have people in our world that offer what they can...a laugh when we need one, a shoulder when we need one, always compassion and never pity.  For this we are eternally grateful.

2014 at MetLife Stadium - The Last Walk

And it is our sincere hope that you will ALL continue to raise awareness for autism and children on the spectrum in whatever ways you can - teaching your kids, sharing stories with your friends and family, sticking up for those who do not have a voice.

Here is a link to a video slideshow that I made following the 2012 Walk...memories that we will hold in our hearts forever.

http://www.kizoa.com/Video-Maker/d4110612kP173035658o1l1/laps-for-luke

With Much Love & Appreciation,
The Calderone Family
Candi, Adam, Evan, Luke & Gia

Candi's Oscar Show & Fashion Recap 2015...

Hello friends! It's that time of year again...time to dish on everything Oscar...

What a strange year it was - it seemed that the night was more about social responsibility than about "Who Are You Wearing?"  While it is refreshing to see winners use their 45 seconds in the spotlight to bring attention to a cause OTHER than themselves...it all left me feeling disjointed and sad. I felt the urge to go march on Washington, but I just wasn't sure what I was supposed to march for? Civil rights, gender equality, veterans' issues, homophobia, suicide, mental illness, immigration issues and parental neglect...they busted out ALL the big guns last night.  It all felt so very RESPONSIBLE! I'm sorry, but I enjoy a little more narcissism and self-absorption with my Oscar winners!

And I'm sorry, but shouldn't your "cause" have SOMETHING to do with the movie role that earned you the 45 seconds? Julianne Moore (Best Actress for Still Alice) can talk about mental illness and dementia, and Eddie Redmayne (Best Actor for The Theory of Everything) can dedicate his Golden Statue to ALS patients worldwide...Patricia Arquette (Best Supporting Actress for Boyhood) went all Norma Rae up there about womens' rights, which is important, but somewhat unrelated to her role as THE MOM in the movie.  JK Simmons (Best Supporting Actor for Whiplash) shamed us all into calling our parents - another lovely sentiment, but it looked like he played a physically abusive music teacher in his movie?  Ummmm...disconnect? Oh well, I guess this is better than them standing up there thanking lawyers and accountants and people we know nothing about. That's always super annoying.  YAY FOR SOCIAL RESPONSIBILITY! 



I had such high hopes for NPH...alas, I cannot say that your hosting skills were LEGEN...wait for it...DARY.  I knew that it would be tough - Ellen was amaze-balls last year...she had better stars...better movies...and better jokes. The night was working against you Neil...when the stars are making the night about political correctness, it's not easy to mock and make fun.



I didn't love the opening number (Billy does it better)...some of the jokes were kinda mean...your best moments were the subtle little comments that most of the audience probably missed - the Oscar stage is not the place for that type of humor - that's why David Letterman crashed and burned before you.  You had your moments...but I didn't need to see you in your tighty whities to know that you were grasping for straws at that point.  You fared better than Seth MacFarlane....does that help at all? Probably not...you were WAY MORE BETTERER than Anne Hathaway and James Franco! Still not helping? Ugh...I am trying. I think it has become blatantly obvious that Tina Fey and Amy Poehler should just have a permanent job hosting Awards shows - all of them - the Oscars, Grammys, Emmys, Globes, SAGs..you can keep the Tonys NPH...that seems to be more in your wheelhouse.

Let's talk about the music! FABULOUS! After Pink's spectacular rendition of Somewhere Over The Rainbow last year, I was not expecting the abundance of riches last night...

Tim McGraw breaking my heart singing Glenn Campbell's poignant song about his battle with Alzheimer's...John Legend and Common performing the HELL out of their Selma hit Glory...and my favorite of the night - Lady Gaga paying homage to The Sound Of Music and Julie Andrews with a medley of tunes.  When Ms. Andrews came out, the mutual admiration between the two was truly touching - the way that Gaga just turned and walked away after their hug, as if to say - it's all YOU Julie...I am not worthy. (Side note - Gaga's red carpet choices will be addressed in just a few minutes...bitch can rock a microphone, but her sartorial preferences are another story altogether...)

Getting Side-Eye from ScarJo

Before I jump into the fashion, I need to take a moment and address the sad story that has become our old friend John Travolta.  WHAT IS HAPPENING??? After last year's name-shame debacle, what looked like an attempt to salvage yourself only wound up making you look like CREEPY DUDE.  What is with all the weird touching? What is with the botox? What is with the CHOKER? It's a necklace dude.  Please make a movie that includes dancing. And keep your hands and lips to yourself. And wear a bowtie. That is all.  #dannyzukowouldbedevastated

Touchy-Touchy with Adele Dazeem

Stop trying to make CHOKER happen.

Well, enough about the show - on to the clothes!

So many of my faves were not in attendance last night! I miss the days where actresses came to the Oscars just to be "fashionable" - wherefore art thou Catherine Zeta-Jones? Halle Berry? Charlize Theron?  Kate Hudson? Anne Hathaway? Jennifer Lawrence? Salma Hayek? Penelope Cruz? WHERE IS TILDA SWINTON???  (OK - I know I have not been very nice to the woman, but if she doesn't show up once in a while, my annual TILDA SWINTON AWARD becomes altogether meaningless...)

No one really stood out to me as a showstopper.  And there is nothing sadder than when the Best Actress winner looks like ass when she finally wins the big one (especially when she has looked stunning on many previous occasions...but they need to be ranked in some type of order, so here goes...

ROSAMUND PIKE - Givenchy Couture
It's not because she just had a baby 2 months ago (but really, she just had a baby two months ago?)...she is this year's "fashion" girl on the Awards circuit - she wore that insane Dior number to the SAG Awards and I really thought that she peaked too soon.  WRONG! This dress is stunning...perfect fit, perfect hair and make-up, perfect shoes...love! Red can be "repetitive" - it's like the second most obvious choice other than black - but when it's done right - it's always a home run.

JENNIFER HUDSON - Romona Keveza
J-Hud! Working it! Girlfriend, I shudder to think about that monstrosity that you wore the year you won your Oscar...it was all chicken cutlet boob action and back fat - oy the bolero!  You have come a loooooong way baby! Simple, elegant, flattering, great color, works with your short hair - and gorgeous earrings too...stunning!

JENNIFER ANISTON - Versace
It's not usually one of my favorite color choices - but if you are going to venture into fleshy beige territory - make sure you are a California Goddess with spectacular highlights and a dress that fits like a second skin.  Oh, and that smile you wear when you are with your man is the perfect accessory...always a fave Jen...you never go over the top, and yet it works on you. Sorry you were snubbed...#friendsforever

MARGOT ROBBIE - Saint Laurent
OK - you all know that I am no fan of black - black is for publicists, agents, documentary filmmakers and mom-dates. So when black is chosen - it needs to be "next level" - Hello Margot Robbie! The reason this dress works is a) the great new haircut, b) the vintage Van Cleef and Arpels necklace and c) the lip color. Black can be spectacular - as long as all the other pieces are in place!
Side Note - It was not easy for me to include you in my fashion review as my son has a pervy teen crush on you thanks to your impressive nudity in Wolf of Wall Street. Ewww, gross and thank you very much for that.

ZOE SALDANA - Atelier Versace
Oh baby. Wait - make that TWO babies.  This woman had twins at the end of November. Yup. Three months ago. Two boys.  I am guessing that feeding the BOYS is helping her GIRLS, if you know what I mean...but much like Rosamund, that fact alone would not land her so high on this list - and when you take into account that it's also one of my least favorite colors...you just can't beat the fit of the Atelier Versace...it fits her perfectly in all the right places - great hair, love the necklace...it helps that she is freaking beautiful, but that hasn't stopped others from blowing it! Nice job Zoe!

DAKOTA JOHNSON - Saint Laurent
Another case of Red Done Right - the detail on the shoulder is gorgeous - probably even more in person...love the ponytail...would maybe like to see this girl smile a little more - but I think we will have ample opportunity to watch that happen in the years to come...shout out for not only bringing your mama as your date, but for "bickering" with her on camera while on the red carpet - just like a real mother and daughter would! Flashback to your first Oscars many years ago with your mama and your stepdad...those are some shoes...

ANNA KENDRICK - Thakoon
I like it - not like obsessed with it or anything - color is still a little drab for your complexion...but the style is interesting and you are really rocking that hand-on-hip.  The hair could be better - but it has DEFINITELY been worse - and I am so excited for Pitch Perfect 2 to come out that I don't really care what you are wearing - I'm a fan!













KEIRA KNIGHTLEY - Valentino Couture

Playing the whole mama-to-be - ethereal - flowy - glowy thing to the hilt this year is Ms. Knightley - and she is making it work. There's kind of a lot going on with the fabric decoration, but I guess if you are mondo preggo, you need to rock that whole "Earth Mother" thing while you can...cause bitches be losing baby weight in 4 seconds lately (see above...)...good luck Keira. The world is waiting to judge you.

EMMA STONE - Elie Saab
OK. So, we have reached the portion of the blog where the tide starts to turn a little.  Emma - you know that I heart you - and I am loving every single part of this look...EXCEPT...the color. It's Pea Soup. Like, shooting out of Linda Blair in The Exorcist Pea Soup. When I think of all of the amazing colors that this dress COULD have been? It makes me a little veklempt. You, my dear, are a redhead - a ginger - a carrot top - whatever you call it, it brings with it a certain set of rules - I have two words for you Emma - JEWEL TONES. You are young - I have been telling Julianne and all the others for YEARS now...J-E-W-E-L T-O-N-E-S...I am attaching a handy color palette here for your future reference...

SCARLETT JOHANSSON - Atelier Versace
Much like Emma - I am 50/50ish on this one. The dress - JUST the dress - gorg. Great color (jewel tone - CHECK!), great fit (she is another one with a freaking newborn at home) - BUT the necklace. Overkill. Like dominatrix scary when paired with your "ear cuff" accessory and the whole shaved head thing you have going on.  I can deal with the hair if that's like your thing right now, but the necklace and the ear cuff are pushing it into "militant" territory.  And why so serious? Smile! you are a beautiful woman! I hate when they forget their smiles!

REESE WITHERSPOON - Tom Ford
Sooooo...Reese has this whole "movement" thing happening where she wants reporters to #askhermore - meaning instead of asking her who she is wearing, ask her something with more gravitas...more substance...just more.  That's awesome. So let me be the first to ask: "Reese - when you had the forehead filled, why does it appear that they only did between your eyes? And when you raise your eyebrows, why do you now have a bizarro curved wrinkle thing going on near the hairline where the fillers and stuff didn't make it? And since this is the case, have you considered bringing back your famous bangs until you get that situation corrected?" JK! I love Reese - I know that she has no choice but to Botox it up - that's how Hollywood works...but when it looks bizarro, I can't stop staring at it while you speak, which means that I am not noticing your little black and white frock so much.

NAOMI WATTS - Armani Prive
Trying to find the right words...we have a bandeau bra thing happening underneath...lots of shimmer...but if I am being honest, the first thing that I think of when looking at this dress is that it would make a pretty awesome tile pattern if I ever get that master bathroom I am hoping to have some day.  If I can get past the "master bathroom" idea, I kind of like the dress.  Is that weird? #renovationgoals













GWYNETH PALTROW - Ralph & Russo Couture
Well, I don't hate it. I do loathe pink, but it's kind of like a regular thing for her, so I am not surprised.  The whole "ginormous flower on the shoulder thing" has been done - (see also: ginormous bow on the shoulder thing)...but I do like her ponytail and her earrings.  But I must admit - all I am REALLY thinking about is whether or not the steaming of the vag was part of her "Oscars Beauty Prep" day...#tmi

JESSICA CHASTAIN - Atelier Versace

The funny thing about this dress is that depending on the angle of the photo, it looks completely different.  See here - in this photo how she looks like a linebacker on top? Well, from alternate angles she looks MUCH better. LOL...I don't like the hair. Boring. This is probably one of those "dresses that looks better in person" - navy dresses often do - BUT - guess what? You have like a billion people seeing it on camera. So let's remember that next time. (See Jewel Tones chart above to create a more striking dynamic next year...thank you.)

MARION COTILLARD - Dior

Oy Vey. What to say? I would love to say "hey, at least the front is pretty" but I wouldn't really mean it.  It's reminiscent of a shower curtain pattern I seem to recall in a Las Vegas hotel many years ago...looks very thick and stiff - not enough waist definition - OH WAIT...Wait a minute...what's going on in back there? Great idea! Let's put a strip of black material that looks like velcro under the ass area! That will REALLY improve the overall effect of this already awkward-looking schmatte. No likey the French chick's dress. #mondieu

LAURA DERN - Alberta Ferretti

I just don't understand.  Why? Why? Why? Why do we take a nice dress, a great statement necklace, even a great clutch - and ruin it by wearing our hair in such a ridiculous way that no one can look at anything other than the ridiculousness of said hair.  Really?  One eye is not a "thing".  #cyclopseyeisnotathing

JENNIFER LOPEZ - Cleavage Couture (whoops I mean Elie Saab)

ATTENTION EVERYONE - J Lo's boobs are SPECTACULAR!  They defy gravity! Did you hear me? Is there anyone out there on the planet Earth and the Universe beyond who is unaware that J Lo has AWESOME and PERFECT boobs? She can wear a WIDE V NECK LINE and they are PERKY, LIFTED, SEPARATED...I mean really SPECTACULAR is the only appropriate word.  Everyone is listening??????  Great. Can we stop with this look now please? #enough

KERRY WASHINGTON - Miu Miu

Eh. Disappointed. #peplum #leafpattern #safe

NICOLE KIDMAN - Louis Vuitton

It's just so hard to say negative things about actresses that used to be at the top of my list.  I don't even know what to make of this situation.  It's shimmery, it's gold - the red belt is just weird.  And for the second year running, her husband has better hair than she does. #bringbackthechartreuse

OPRAH - Vera Wang

Sigh. Inhale.  Siiiiiggggghhhhh...oh my Oprah - listen. I have a similar chest situation in my life.  It's not easy. I get it. But I am fairly certain that there are better ways to address it then to push the cleavage up into the clavicle region.  Too much push. Need more tuck.  And flatten. There's cleavage...and then there's this.  This is cleavage on blast.  Too much...#advicefromafellowchesty

 

 

LADY GAGA - Azzedine Alaia (and Rubbermaid Couture?)

Well well.  It looks like we have a winner of the Annual Tilda Swinton Award...bottoming out our list this year is none other than Lady Gaga. The dress.  The dress on its own...would still be hideous. It's like robot-star trek-star wars-wackiness.  So just to repeat - dress alone = hideous.  Add red rubber dishwashing gloves to this horror show? And THAT is how you win the Tilda Swinton ladies and gentlemen. Kudos to you Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta...you have further cemented your place in the glorious lexicon of WTF.

AND JUST IN CASE YOUR ENGAGEMENT TO THAT CHICAGO FIRE HOTTIE EVER GOES UP IN SMOKE...I THINK I FOUND A BACK-UP SOULMATE FOR YOU...

What has become of my Jordan Catalano? #mysocalledlife4eva

That's a wrap folks!  See you next year...xo

10 Things To Think About As You Graduate...

Hello graduates!  Pomp and circumstance abound on my Facebook newsfeed...graduation time is here!   Middle school, high school, college...besides the caps and gowns, what you all share is the notion that you have "finished" something and are ready for "what's next".  I am so sorry to be the one to tell you that you could not be more wrong. Oh, you've done your reading, writing and arithmetic...but you will never be ready for what's next.  Life is funny that way...

I thought I was prepared for each of those transitions - and I was doing okay there for a while...good student, many friends, love of a great guy, career advancements, babies...and then WHAM.  Autism came into our lives.  Everything changed.  I could write (and have written) several blogs about that, but that's not what this one is about. Below is a list.  I won't call it a list of "rules."  Who am I to tell you what to do?  I WILL tell you that it is full of stuff that I know now that I wish I knew then.  Even though we all know that I would not have listened. There are things in life that can only be learned through personal experience.  I don't expect you to look at this list and get it.  Let's consider it a planting of seeds...food for "future" thought?  If it makes you think, I will consider it a victory...

1. NEVER STOP LEARNING.
Your time in the classroom may be coming to an end, but your education should not be.  The "real world" is the most important classroom you will ever enter.  Your degree may look impressive on the wall, but it doesn't mean what you think it does outside of the academic environment.  Keep an open mind.  Be open to new ideas and opinions.  Know that you do not know it all.  No one does.

2. USE SOCIAL MEDIA TO BE SOCIAL.
Don't use it to be anti-social.  Don't write vague and mysterious posts, silently begging people to ask "WHAT'S WRONG?" No one likes a drama queen. Don't use it as an online battlefield.  Don't post inappropriate photos of yourself in dramatic situations.  Don't use it to mock others.  Be aware of the power that your opinion wields and use it wisely and responsibly.  Use social media as the communication tool it was meant to be.  It should not replace human interaction and conversation.  These things are irreplaceable.

3. SPEND LESS MONEY THAN YOU MAKE.
Sounds simple enough.  But it's easier said than done.  If I had listened to my father and saved just a TINY BIT of the money I made in my 20s, my entire life would be different right now.  I made more money at 27 years old than I do now at 43.  A LOT more.  And I spent it all.  And I regret it tremendously.  I have many regrets, but that is the biggest one.  Understand what it really means to be financially responsible.  If you make a little money, save what you can.  If you make a lot of money, hire someone to help you be smart about it.  Money may not buy happiness, but it can offer freedom and choices that you don't even know you will need in your life.  I learned that the hard way.

4. LEARN TO BE THE BIGGER PERSON.
I am a very opinionated person.  Always have been.  I used to waste a lot of time arguing over ridiculous things.  Just because I had to be right.  I would handle calls from difficult clients at work with stubborn pride and self-righteousness.  I would handle disagreements with others with anger and sarcasm.  My late grandmother used to call these conversations "healthy debates"...but guess what? None of it was worth it.  If I "won" it was a hollow victory at best.  The level of aggravation that I was living with as "that girl" was not only unhealthy, but also unproductive.  I realized several things - 1) it is a waste of time and energy to argue with a stupid person; 2) being RIGHT was not the most important thing in the world; and 3) people are usually willing to compromise and meet you in the middle.  

5. KNOW THAT THERE'S ALWAYS MORE TO THE STORY.
You've probably heard the saying "There are three sides to every story - one side, the other side and the truth." This doesn't mean that either side is lying - it just means that their perception of what went down is different from the other person's.  (Or they are lying. If they are, stay away from them.  Do I really need to tell you that?)  On a larger scale, know that what goes on in this world, whether it be a disagreement between friends or two sides of a global skirmish is rarely black and white.  Grey is a HUGE part of the picture. You may find that you agree or disagree with pieces of both sides.  You may come up with your own independent opinion.  THAT'S OK. Independent thought is such an important and underused trait in the world today. Don't be a sheep.

6. ADMIT - AND OWN - YOUR MISTAKES.
If you screw up, own it.  Don't apologize and then "explain away" the apology.  This is the same as not apologizing at all.  People make mistakes all the time - it's what they do after the mistake that defines their true character.  If you screw something up on the job, take the appropriate steps to correct the wrong and change the way you do things to avoid it happening again.  If you hurt someone you care about, apologize with sincerity.  They will know if you are faking it.

7. BE A COURTEOUS DRIVER.
Don't laugh at this one.  Depending on your chosen career path, there is a good chance that driving to, from and maybe even during work will be a part of your daily routine.  Add to that the driving done outside of work, and realize that a good part of your life is spent behind the wheel of a car.  You will know all too soon that the road is full of assholes.  Don't be one.  They don't need any more members on their team.

8. TAKE A STAND.
Get to know yourself.  That sounds crazy, but most people use others' perceptions and opinions to define themselves and what they stand for. Don't do that!  Figure out who you are, what you stand for, learn all that you can about whatever it is...and then be confident about it.  You get to decide what you believe.  Your opinion matters. Just make sure that you are backing up your convictions with facts.    

9. SCRATCH THE SURFACE.
I wrote about this topic in depth in a previous blog.  In a world of sound bytes, 144-character opinions and hashtag-speak...learn to dig deeper.  Don't take things at face value.  Don't believe everything you read on the internet.  Let me repeat that one - DON'T BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOU READ ON THE INTERNET.  The internet is an amazing tool, but it is also a place of innuendo, half-truths and opinion-disguised-as-fact.  Always be aware of what you are reading and where it came from.  It's all part of the process (see #1).

10. GET OVER YOURSELF.
It's not always about you.  It's not always about what you think, feel or want.  While it is important to make yourself a priority (this will mean more if and when you become a parent someday), it is also important to learn how to be there for others - friends, family, co-workers.  If someone in your life is acting out of the ordinary - do you wonder if you did something?  Go over past conversations in your memory? Scan through old texts? Next time, consider the fact that they may just be having a bad day and it has NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU AT ALL. Figure out quickly that the world does not revolve around you.  Truly understanding this will help you in all aspects of life.

Well, that's it.  We are done here.  Off you go into that great big world...

Unity In The Community...

"United we stand, divided we fall.  Let us not split into factions which must destroy that union upon which our existence hangs..."  Patrick Henry

Now that April is over, I am doing my annual "BIG EXHALE" and reflecting on how I am feeling about autism this year.  It occurred to me this week that I am sort of like a "veteran" now in this whole autism thing. Not because my son is almost nine years old and has been on this journey for seven years.  If we are breaking down time, I spent at least the first three years in a state of numb disbelief, getting through the todays by not thinking about the tomorrows and smoking many packs of cigarettes.  When I did eventually shake it off and put on my big girl pants (which were literally quite big as I was also consuming many cookies with those cigarettes), I focused mainly on my boy - what went on between the walls of our home, and at his school.  I had a hard time reading materials on autism - even the inspirational stuff.  ESPECIALLY the inspirational stuff.  It just pissed me off.  Even though the panties were on, the brain was still lingering over there in the "poor, pitiful me" section of the arena.

I guess it was really just about two years ago that I started to read.  And then I went to town.  I read it all - anything I could find.  I started to realize the true enormity of what is going on here.  I figured out that my Luke is only but a blip on the autism radar.

The result of that research is that at this time, I feel confident and comfortable making the following statement about my child's autism and what I believe to be the cause/reason/why/story of what the hell is going on around here:

I believe that my son's autism is a result of toxic overload, including, but not limited to toxins resulting from the environment, the air we breathe, the products we clean with, the food we eat, the vaccines we inject, the medicines we take, the carpets we walk on, the water we drink.  I believe that it is a man-made affliction, and not a random genetic quirk.  I believe this as a result of research, and not because it's what I WANT or NEED to be true.  

One very important thing I want you to notice in the statement above:

It says MY SON'S autism.  It says this because I do not for one second believe that all of these kids have the same thing.

My belief is that this "spectrum" word that gets thrown around is actually an all-encompassing toxic tundra of illness - autism, ADHD, asthma, allergies, autoimmune diseases...and taking it a step further, I also believe that a large number of cancers are also taking up some space with us here as well.

Yup - I said that.  I don't think they all have the same thing.  I don't mean that they are all "different" or "fall on different parts of the spectrum"...I mean that they should be diagnosed with different things.

See, according to the "professionals", autism is not a medical thing.  Again, those that know me may not realize this because I have called it medical for years now.  But the party line according to "the powers that be" is that autism is a neurological disorder.  This means that any and all bizarre medical side effects are considered to be just that - EFFECTS of the neurological disorder.  Starts with the brain.  Go see a neurologist.  Blood work doesn't matter.  Diet?  We don't need no stinking diets!

But there is much evidence to the contrary.  Evidence that says that it starts with the body, or more specifically, the gut.  And that a damaged gut can lead to a MYRIAD of physical problems, as well as altered neurological behaviors, many of which resemble the typical actions and mannerisms of autism.

What if it's BOTH?  What is there is a condition that we will (for the sake of this discussion) call "typical autism" - a neurological condition with minimal physical side effects, multiple social and communication challenges, sensory issues, etc.  BUT - what if there is ANOTHER condition (hmmmm...let's call it "toxic autism" - again, for the sake of the discussion) - and THIS version starts with the gut - an intestinal system ravaged by toxins in all forms, not able to successfully process the overload...leading to a myriad of physical and neurological effects.

I am not crazy.  This makes sense.  Think about the autism community.

There is a large segment of the autism community that do not want a cure.  In fact, they are horribly offended that one would even refer to autism as a problem to be fixed rather than just a part of who they are. They rally against Autism Speaks and similar groups, with signs reading "You don't SPEAK for us!"

And I get it.  I really do.  I respect that you are an individual, aware of your own challenges, working hard every day to find your place in this world.  I respect your right to live your life and treat your autism as merely an identifiable piece of who you are.  In fact, I applaud you for that.  And you deserve all of the programs, devices, systems and supports available to aid you in fulfilling your potential as a high-functioning individual on the spectrum.

BUT - and stay with me here - that is not my son's life.  My son's life is limited. And difficult.  We do not use the word "blessing" when we speak of autism in our home.  He is non-verbal. He wears diapers. He spends his days running, jumping, stimming...we spend our days watching, corralling, protecting...he will most likely need to be taken care of for the rest of his life. And you want me to just accept that? Not on your life.  

Does he smile? Yes. Does he like to be tickled? Oh yeah. Do I believe he has feelings for us? With all of my heart. Do I value him as a human being and consider myself blessed that he was born? Absolutely.  Do I love him?  With every inch of my heart and soul.

But do I think that his autism is just a challenging little piece of him that we should learn to embrace?

NO. JUST NO.

Why have we not entertained the notion that this spectrum is not really what we think it is?  That all of the various degrees of "autism" may not BE the same thing?  Since "no one knows" why autism is happening in the increased numbers that it is, should we not consider the fact that we have it all wrong?

Think about it - what if the rightfully proud, socially-challenged, high-functioning ASD or Aspie kid does not have the same thing as my child, or the millions of children like him?  It stands to reason that this "group" would require a completely different set of services than someone like my son, don't you think?  And yet here we all are, fighting against each other over what we should be fighting for instead of considering the notion that we may just have it all wrong.

The ridiculous in-fighting within our own community is only serving to delay progress for all of us.  We can't even agree on the basic premise of exactly what it is we all need or want, and this may not even be our own fault.  This needs to change if we ever expect progress of any kind.

In the interest of the greater good, I will continue to support any and all groups, factions, theories, programs and what have you when it comes to autism - because until we know with absolute 100% certainty what the HELL is going on here, NO ONE has the right to discount any part of this discussion.  If that offends the high-functioning segment of our community, that's just too damn bad.  Autism is not just yours.  You do not get to determine what it is and what it isn't just because you have your own voice.  You can decide not to support a specific group if you like, but maybe instead of creating a split within ourselves we can all wake up and realize that it's not low-functioning against high-functioning - it's autism against the world.

We stand together - or we fall apart.  

1 in 68...Are Still Waiting...

WARNING:  Mama is not happy today.  Sarcasm and anger to follow...I am far past the point of gratuitous sugar-coating when it comes to all things autism people...deal with it.

Today the CDC released the latest statistics on autism prevalence in our country.

1 in 68.  ONE out of every SIXTY EIGHT children in this country has an Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD). This is a 30% increase over the previous statistic of 1 in 88.  Oh, you remember 1 in 88...you know, the report from TWO YEARS AGO.  Yup, you read that right - 30% increase in just two years. 1 in 88 is just SO yesterday!

Here's something you may not be aware of - this study is done every two years on a sampling of children that are eight years old.  Though it is currently the year 2014, this is the 2010 statistic (four years to tally the numbers I guess?) This means that the 1 in 68 statistic applies to children that were born in the year 2002. Twelve years ago.  My son, and all of my other autism mama friends' kids were not even born yet.  Gee, I wonder what the number will be for Luke's year? At this rate, it will be 1 out of 2 for the year my daughter was born! I'm not really joking.

New Jersey is one of the 11 states used in the national analysis.  Ready for this one?

1 in 45 children in New Jersey has an ASD.  1 in 21 boys.

ONE OUT OF EVERY TWENTY ONE BOYS BORN IN THE STATE OF NEW JERSEY IN THE YEAR 2002 IS ON THE AUTISM SPECTRUM.

Yes, I am aware that caps signify yelling.  I AM YELLING PEOPLE.

For those of you that are not grasping the reality of these numbers (or if you just suck at math), let me throw a little comparison out there for you...there are more children with an ASD than are affected by diabetes, AIDS, cancer, cerebral palsy, cystic fibrosis, muscular dystrophy or Down syndrome – combined.

COMBINED. As in, all of them together.  The fact that each of these INDIVIDUALLY receives more government funding than autism does is a topic for another (angrier, sarcasmier) blog post.  But here's a little visual on that interesting situation from a few years ago taken from our good friends over at TACA (Talk About Curing Autism)...

And yet, the CDC continues to downplay the statistics.  They refuse to label this as an EPIDEMIC, or give it the national attention it deserves as a PRIORITY to be investigated and FIXED.  Did you know that they gave trampoline injuries a status of "epidemic" based on 1,200 children getting hurt in 1996? Hmmmm...now let's think about that.  Who suffers when a child is hurt on a trampoline? No, BESIDES the child silly!  They don't give a rat's ass about Timmy's busted arm! But you know who DOES pay? Literally?  Home insurance companies.  What? You didn't know that? Oh yes, home insurance companies can deny you coverage if you have a trampoline in your backyard.  I am going to venture a guess that the "epidemic" label helped the insurance companies push that sucker right on through.

You know who else can't be sued? Vaccine manufacturers.  What do I mean?  Well, it's really quite simple. In 1986, the Vaccine Protection Act was passed - hey, that sounds like it would be protecting us from vaccines? What's wrong with that?  Jump back sister...the only thing this act is protecting is the MANUFACTURERS of the vaccines. As of 1986, these "big pharma" hotshots could make anything to be jammed into our kids, and were given indemnification from legal action in any case of a negative reaction, whether it was a rash or death.  And then THIS happened...

Insurance companies...Big Pharma...wait a minute...this sounds like it has something to do with MONEY? Nah, that CAN'T be true!  

My son was diagnosed in the year 2007.  In one of the more twisted ironies of my life, that anniversary falls right around the same time as WORLD AUTISM AWARENESS DAY! (I could not possibly be more aware...trust me).  In the past seven years, I have heard TONS about what does NOT cause autism.  It's NOT the vaccines, it's NOT the environment, it's NOT medications, it's NOT the air in New Jersey (1 in 21 = 3 times the national average...hmmmmm), it's NOT GMOs or PRESERVATIVES in our food...

Can we please STOP talking about what is NOT causing it - and START figuring out what IS causing it?

Check the air, check the food, check the cleaning products, check the water, check the medicines, and YES - CHECK THE VACCINES - check them all - completely and thoroughly and figure out what the hell is going on before we lose another generation of children.  Enough is enough.

I want to finish this post by saying something that I don't normally say.  I don't feel the need to scare people - I have always gone by the assumption that parenting is an individual and personal journey for everyone, and unless someone ASKS me for an opinion on this stuff, I keep the gloom and doom to myself.  Well, I have changed my mind.  I am publicly stating that ALL NEW PARENTS or PARENTS-TO-BE need to be aware that this is happening.  It is scary.  But it is on you to be aware, to do the research, to trust doctors, but to QUESTION them when your gut is telling you to.  To read food labels. To limit your child's intake of acetaminophen, antibiotics or other medications when they are not truly necessary.  Take whatever precautions you can in your home to create a "clean" environment...because they DO NOT KNOW WHY THIS IS HAPPENING.  It could be all of that, it could be none of that, it could be a bizarre combination of several of these things...BUT WE DON'T KNOW.

This is not just a problem for families touched by autism.  This is everyone's problem.  Those that know my son may think that they are off the hook (dodged a bullet so-to-speak?) as he is the ONE in 68 in your world...but every two years that number is going up...and even if your kids are spared...do something about this today that may help other peoples' children...or your future grandchildren...go back to the top and read those stats again...what do you think they will be when your kids are having their own children?

Please get angry.  And then go to this website and share that anger:
Click here to contact our elected officials

For two years our autism community has used the mantra "1 in 88 can't wait..."

Well, now it's 1 in 68...and they are still waiting.